THE GIFT OF FAMILY (15); HOW MUCH DOES YOUR CHILD COST?

“Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant.” - Epictetus

 

If the truth be told if every parent performed their God given responsibility towards their children in bringing them up, it is my opinion that the problems of the world would be cut in half.

His name was Rusty, and he was barely 11 years old. He still had the look of a little boy. He was homeless, not old enough to be hardened, but certainly old enough to be frightened. His mother lived in town, but she didn't want him. Rusty lived in the alley behind the shop of one of our church members. He slept in a cardboard box. In an effort to get legal custody transferred to a Christian foster home, a little group met in an attorney's office: Rusty, Rusty's mother, the social worker, the attorney, and a pastor. They were severing all legal ties between Rusty and his mother . . . and she did not care. The attorney carefully explained to Rusty's mother what was happening. He wanted to make sure that she understood that, in effect, she was losing all rights to her boy. Everyone was on the verge of tears—all except Rusty's mom. Then came the question. The attorney worded it carefully, "Mrs. Brown, do you understand that when you sign this form, you are signing over all legal custody to the designated children's home?" She nodded her head in the affirmative. "Mrs. Brown, do you have any questions?" She had only one. "Do I get any money for this?" she asked. Everyone seemed dazed by this sledgehammer query. There was a long pause. Finally, 11-year-old Rusty pulled out his pocket book, extracted a dollar he had earned sweeping floors, and gave it to his mother. And she took it!

In less obvious ways, all over the world, there are parents who are trading their parental responsibilities for the almighty dollar. Kids shouldn't have to grow up by themselves. Let me paraphrase: "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world...and loses his own children?

THE GIFT OF FAMILY (13); RAISING MORAL CHILDREN

A group of six-year-olds are playing and one of the children falls, scrapes her knee and starts crying. One child offers a reassuring “I’m sorry you’re hurt” and shows a desire to comfort. On the other hand another child laughs and calls, the child “cry baby.”

The little illustration above is a common experience among children. It happens every time; most times we just laugh over such experiences and forget it afterwards. Truth be told, such reactions and responses tell a great deal about the kind of family (home) each child is coming from - whether it's a caring one or an uncaring one. Your children will only develop into caring adults or individuals if they have experienced same growing up.
Bringing up moral children is a way of saying, teach your children to live by the rules. If you want your children to go about treating others like you want others to treat them, then you have to teach them how to be able to think through an action before doing it and to judge how the consequences of that action will affect themselves and others; in this lies the basis of a moral person.

It’s in the family caring children are raised; parents are the child’s first morality teachers. Observations as well as countless studies show that infants are more likely to become moral children and adults if they experienced their parents doing same. The one quality that distinguishes these children from kids raised in a detached parenting style is sensitivity. Plant it in your children good morals and watch it sprout. Other virtues, such as self-control, compassion, and honesty and so on are by products. Here’s how to raise morally upright children.

Dealing With Child Neglect

Wisdom Nugget: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.."

Source: Photopin

Neglect occurs when children are not provided with the basic needs of life. Neglect is a type of maltreatment that refers to the failure of parents or guardians to provide care even though they are financially able or have other means to do so. A child is also considered abandoned when the parent's identity or whereabouts are unknown; the child has been left alone in circumstances where the child suffers serious harm, or the parent has failed to maintain contact with the child or provide reasonable support for a specified period of time.

Neglect is different from other forms of abuse. Where in other forms of abuse a parent or guardian does something he/she is not supposed to do, in neglect the parent or guardian fails to do what he/she is supposed to do. Some of the signs that may indicate a child is being neglected include: untidiness, appearing sickly, frequently ill, looking sad and withdrawn from others. Other signs are: performing poorly in school, feeling out of place among friends and other people.

For more than two years, Willie Robinson's health deteriorated, family members tried to discuss the situation with his parents; Monica Hussing and William Robinson Sr., but the couple never got their son treatment. One relative claimed the glands in his neck swelled to the size of a softball. Hussing's sister said the child suffered for twenty-nine months and the parents did nothing even though they could have done something. The child collapsed and died at the age of 8 from Hodgkin lumphoma (a highly treatable cancer that was not diagnosed until his autopsy). In the days before his death, his mother treated him with cold medicine. Willie had begged to be taken to a doctor and at least eight family members had confronted that they should take the child to the hospital. The parents were sentenced to eight years in prison. (Culled from http://www.newser.com). I know what you're thinking. Unbelievable right? But this is a true life story; happened in Florida. Children are dying everyday out of child neglect in extreme cases, some are having their future marred by the neglidence of their own parents.

These days everyone  is money conscious, so money conscious that children look up to the maids and housekeepers as parents because their parents come back late in the evening and even when they do, lock themselves in their rooms in the name of 'resting'. Some keep their babies in daycare (crèche)  till late in the evening. It's amazing! Most parents don't know what's going on with their children both educationally, psychologically, emotionally and even medically. Some have dying children right under their noses without knowing it. And I ask, who are they working for? If you cannot give your own children attention and make sure they grow up okay, who are you then struggling for? Don't get me wrong I'm not against working hard, I'm not asking you to quit your 8-5 jobs and sit home with your children, I'm simply saying that you make out time for them.

Plan your weekends in such a way that the children are involved. Spend time with them, take them out. Plan vacations at least once a year to get away with your family if you can afford it. Find out about how they're doing in school, look into their school books, and pay attention to their health. I know it's not easy to do all these even with your job but it's your responsibility as parent. You have got to look out for these kids. If you have a baby that requires closer attention, then the parents should reach a compromise and either one of them has to come home early at least until the baby is older and can be left with a nanny for longer periods. We have been  instructed to "train up a child." not "drag on a child" because that's what most of us do. We just drag them on, anyhow without looking back.

  John Fitzgerald Kennedy said "A Child educated wrongly is a child lost". Educate these children rightly, not just about school work but also educate them about everyday living. There are some things a teacher or nanny will not teach your children but only you can.

DEALING WITH CHILD EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Wisdom Nugget: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction..."

Source: Photopin

Emotional abuse can be detrimental to a child's behavioural development. You are wondering how? Ok, let's take a look at what emotional abuse is - Emotional abuse of a child also referred to as psychological maltreatment is commonly defined as a pattern of behaviour by parents or guardians that can seriously interfere with a child's emotional, psychological or social development. Don't confuse it with physical abuse; emotional abuse is different from physical abuse, as there are no physical injuries or bodily harm. Therefore, people often do not realize or recognize this type of abuse.

Children that suffer from emotional abuse lack self-confidence. They have feelings of being unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. They may respond to this in one of two ways: They may become aggressive and hostile, with many behavioural problems, or they might turn their anger inward and become depressed, withdrawn, and even consider suicide. Children who are emotionally abused usually do not feel free to be in the company of others and may perform poorly at school. Some ways by which people can abuse children emotionally include:

Ignoring: By deliberately not speaking to the child or deliberately not calling the child by their name or calling the child abusive names.

Rejecting: By refusing to treat a child nicely, or an active refusal to respond to a child's needs.
Isolating: By preventing the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults.

Exploiting or corrupting: By teaching the child, encouraging or forcing a child to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors.

Verbally Assaulting: By constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.
Terrorizing: By threatening or bullying the child to create a climate a fear for them by placing them in a dangerous or chaotic situation or by placing them in rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if not met.

Neglecting: By failing or refusing to give a child educational services, mental or health attention.
Jennifer  wrote; I am in my early teens and my dad yells at me, swears at me, constantly tells me there is something wrong with me and I am not good enough. He puts me down, wrecks my self esteem, tells me I have "psychological leprosy" and "compulsive shyness disorder", and tells all his friends that I am an ungrateful daughter. Then he stops talking to me totally sometimes and treats me like I'm not there. He acts like he is the victim. I never talk back or anything, but he acts like I am the one doing wrong. This has been going on all my life, he is controlling and oppressive and I am falling into depression because of this. I hope someday I will escape this.

Its imperative for us to bring up our children with the instructions that can instil the right mindset in them. We must not deny our children the love and care that they deserve or to speak to them abusively.

Why then will you find it in your heart to treat children like slaves when you ought to do otherwise?

"Anyone entrusted with power will abuse it if not also animated with the love of truth and virtue, no matter whether he be a prince, or one of the people." - Jean de La Fontaine. It is easy to overcome abusing your children emotionally or the people around you. It's simple - love them, appreciate them, praise them, tell them you love them but don't curse them when they do wrong, correct them lovingly.

Putting them down will drive them away.

DEALING WITH CHILD LABOUR

Wisdom Nugget:
"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law..."

Source: Photopin

"Child labor and poverty are inevitably bound together and if you continue to use the labor of children as the treatment for the social disease of poverty, you will have both poverty and child labor to the end of time"  - Grace Abbott

In many African countries children are traditionally supposed to do some work for the family such as cooking, collecting firewood, helping  to look after younger brothers or sisters, and herding cattle.
That's not the abuse per say, the abuse according to The United Nations Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF)  occurs when a child is given more work than the child can do considering his/her age and if the work can cause harm to the child. Child labour happens when the child is treated unfairly so as to make money out of him/her. Child labour includes: Forcing an underaged child to work full time, paying less than an adult gets paid for the same work, putting too much responsibility on a child, forcing a child to work/live on the streets.
Child labour usually causes serious harm to children's physical, psychological, and mental health.

Twelve-year-old Alejandra is woken up at four in the morning by her father, Don José. She does not go to school, but goes to collect curiles, small molluscs in the mangrove swamps on the island of Espiritu Santo in Usulutan, El Salvador. Alejandra is not given breakfast as she's sent out too early so she can complete 14 hour work before nightfall so she leaves without breakfast. Instead the things she needs for effective work are handed over to her; these items include about a dozen cigars and at least four pills to keep her from falling asleep. A good part of the money that she earns goes to buy these things. In the mangrove swamp without shoes, Alejandra has to face bad weather, mosquito bites and cuts and scrapes from having to pull the curiles out from deep in the mud. The cigars help to repel the mosquitoes, but when she runs out of cigars Alejandra has to put up with the insects as she moves from branch to branch and from one area to another in search of shells. When she returns from work, her body is nearly always covered with bites. She earns very little. If she is lucky in one day Alejandra manages to collect two baskets of curiles (150 shells), worth little more than 12 colones, or $1.40. Alejandra, who has seven younger brothers and sisters, has no time to go to school or play with other children.

The narration above is a typical case of child labor, that the child willingly does it does not make it less of an abuse. Parents should be taking care of their children when they're underage. Not the other way round. Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that children shouldn't do anything to help, but not by giving them more than they can (and/or should) bear. Not subjecting them to harsh weather conditions or dangerous situations. Do you know how many children go into a compound to sell wares to the occupants and never come out the same? Do you know how many children go missing everyday because they strayed into the wrong environment? Do you not know that a car can knock down your child while he/she is trying to hawk? What about the health detriments of putting these kids in these conditions. Be wise. Yes, let them help you but with a sense of putting their safety first! You will be judged if you do not do your best to care for these children.

It is the parent's responsibility to manage the home not the child's. And parents must carry out their duties with utmost respect. What respect do you command when you enslave your children? Instead you cast an unforgettable shadow on yourself. Herbert Ward puts it this way; "child abuse casts a shadow the length of a life time". Be wise your children are not donkeys, they're humans.

DEALING WITH CHILD (PHYSICAL) ABUSE

Wisdom Nuggets: "... must manage (your) own family well and see that children are obedient, and...do so in a manner worthy of full respect."

Photo credit: Photopin

"What distresses me at times is that I meet a lot of people in their 40's, 50's, 60's, who still say they're a victim of child abuse" - Dave Pelzer

Physical child abuse refers to fractures and other signs of injury that occur when a child is hurt in anger. Physical abuse occurs when children are hurt or injured intentionally by caregivers or other people entrusted to take care of them. Physical abuse is also giving your child alcohol or drugging them so they can sleep while you go out with friends. Physical abuse tends to occur at moments of great stress. Often people who commit physical abuse also have poor impulse control. This prevents them from thinking about what happens as a result of their actions. it is important to note that cases of child abuse are found in every racial or ethnic background and social class. It is impossible to tell abusers from non-abusers by looking at their appearance or background. Most people who commit physical abuse were abused themselves as children. As a result, they often do not realize that abuse is not appropriate discipline for children.

Karibi is a 13-year-old girl who lost her parents when she was ten. Later, she moved to live with her aunt; her brothers (aged 15 and 10) and her 6-year-old sister all moved with her. While her 15-year-old brother and aunt were out all day fetching food , the younger brother went to school, leaving Karibi to look after her younger sister. One day, her aunt came home to find out that Karibi had eaten the only food she had left for supper. The aunt was so angry that she dipped Karibi's right hand in boiling water. It wasn't the first time that Karibi had suffered at the hands of her aunt. She had been so badly beaten once that she ended up in admission at the nearby health centre. Till date the aunt often shouts at Karibi and blames her for everything wrong in the home, even for mistakes the young girl isn't responsible for.

Most children live in fear in their own homes. Most adults carry out their frustrations on these children. Sometimes parents come home drunk, and their children suffer the effect. The children become very withdrawn and jumpy when the abuser is in sight.

Karibi's case is one of the many examples of domestic abuse endured by children. I watched one on the news a few years back where a child had her lips sown together with needle and thread because her aunt said she talked too much. The lips were so swollen that the child couldn't speak. There is even far worse being done to children. Some by their teachers, others by health workers in charity homes, some by neighbours others by strangers. They break limbs, inflict burns and bruises. It makes me wonder if there are no subtle ways to discipline children. Are there no better ways for instilling the truth in them without hurting them physically and even worse psychologically?

How would you feel if someone burnt your hands because they want you to learn that lying is wrong? If adults were being burnt for every sin committed, or if people were being hurt that much, then by now, there'd be a lot of walking skeletons on our streets. We'd probably all be dead. Our wisdom nugget says "...in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you", in everything! It didn't say 'some things'.

Do unto those children what you would have someone do to you. And to women who keep little children as 'house maids' I'd like to say "do unto those children what you would like others to do unto your children." Selah

Just An Hour

Wisdom Nugget: "Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you."

                                                                                    - H. Jackson Brown Jnr.

Photo credit: photopin

Isn't it funny how that with the advancement in technology and deep into the heart of the 21st century craze, many hitherto important or rather very important things have been pushed so far down the "priorities" list that either they are no longer relevant or altogether not important. It's funny how that now it has become the norm for parents to delegate their parental responsibilities to nannies, barely having time for their children anymore. Children are the leaders of tomorrow. But how can that be if the right moral values are not inculcated in them by those who are supposed to do so?

 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" The level of decay and moral decadence in our society today cannot be over emphasized due to parents' absence from the day-to-day running of their children's lives all in the name of "providing for the family". Attempting to replace quality time and availability with "presents" instead of their "presence". If a survey were carried out with children I bet you it'll be amazing to discover how many children would chose hanging out with their parents over receiving presents from them.

Late one night, father was trying to finish some leftover work from the office. His son came and asked, "Daddy, may I ask you a something?" Father said, "Yeah sure, what's it son?" "Dad, how much do you make an hour?" Father very surprised and stunned, said to his son, "why do you ask such a thing?" "I just want to know, please tell me," pleaded the son. "Ok, I make $500 per hour". "Oh, ok. Dad, may I please borrow $200?" Slightly irritated by his sons' distraction, he replied, "If the reason you asked about my pay is so that you can ask for some toy, then march back to bed. I work hard every day so that you can get all the toys you'll ever need. You don't have to borrow from me to buy any toys" The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. "What kind of toy would that be" the father thought. "Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $200 because he doesn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened it. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy. Sitting on his sons' bed, he said "here's the $200 you asked for". The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you daddy!" he smiled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes. Seeing that the boy already had money, he became puzzled. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father, with innocence in his eyes and that yearning for a fatherly presence in his daily life. Handing over the money, he said, "Daddy I have $500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you".

Parents train up your children in the way they should go, so that when they are old they will not turn from it" we need to learn to make "being there" for our children a top priority, as that's one of our major assignments as parents. Life is all about making priorities, and family is one and only priority on top of all others, so spend all the time you can with your children.