DEALING WITH CHILD EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Wisdom Nugget: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction..."

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Emotional abuse can be detrimental to a child's behavioural development. You are wondering how? Ok, let's take a look at what emotional abuse is - Emotional abuse of a child also referred to as psychological maltreatment is commonly defined as a pattern of behaviour by parents or guardians that can seriously interfere with a child's emotional, psychological or social development. Don't confuse it with physical abuse; emotional abuse is different from physical abuse, as there are no physical injuries or bodily harm. Therefore, people often do not realize or recognize this type of abuse.

Children that suffer from emotional abuse lack self-confidence. They have feelings of being unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. They may respond to this in one of two ways: They may become aggressive and hostile, with many behavioural problems, or they might turn their anger inward and become depressed, withdrawn, and even consider suicide. Children who are emotionally abused usually do not feel free to be in the company of others and may perform poorly at school. Some ways by which people can abuse children emotionally include:

Ignoring: By deliberately not speaking to the child or deliberately not calling the child by their name or calling the child abusive names.

Rejecting: By refusing to treat a child nicely, or an active refusal to respond to a child's needs.
Isolating: By preventing the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults.

Exploiting or corrupting: By teaching the child, encouraging or forcing a child to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors.

Verbally Assaulting: By constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.
Terrorizing: By threatening or bullying the child to create a climate a fear for them by placing them in a dangerous or chaotic situation or by placing them in rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if not met.

Neglecting: By failing or refusing to give a child educational services, mental or health attention.
Jennifer  wrote; I am in my early teens and my dad yells at me, swears at me, constantly tells me there is something wrong with me and I am not good enough. He puts me down, wrecks my self esteem, tells me I have "psychological leprosy" and "compulsive shyness disorder", and tells all his friends that I am an ungrateful daughter. Then he stops talking to me totally sometimes and treats me like I'm not there. He acts like he is the victim. I never talk back or anything, but he acts like I am the one doing wrong. This has been going on all my life, he is controlling and oppressive and I am falling into depression because of this. I hope someday I will escape this.

Its imperative for us to bring up our children with the instructions that can instil the right mindset in them. We must not deny our children the love and care that they deserve or to speak to them abusively.

Why then will you find it in your heart to treat children like slaves when you ought to do otherwise?

"Anyone entrusted with power will abuse it if not also animated with the love of truth and virtue, no matter whether he be a prince, or one of the people." - Jean de La Fontaine. It is easy to overcome abusing your children emotionally or the people around you. It's simple - love them, appreciate them, praise them, tell them you love them but don't curse them when they do wrong, correct them lovingly.

Putting them down will drive them away.

DEALING WITH CHILD (PHYSICAL) ABUSE

Wisdom Nuggets: "... must manage (your) own family well and see that children are obedient, and...do so in a manner worthy of full respect."

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"What distresses me at times is that I meet a lot of people in their 40's, 50's, 60's, who still say they're a victim of child abuse" - Dave Pelzer

Physical child abuse refers to fractures and other signs of injury that occur when a child is hurt in anger. Physical abuse occurs when children are hurt or injured intentionally by caregivers or other people entrusted to take care of them. Physical abuse is also giving your child alcohol or drugging them so they can sleep while you go out with friends. Physical abuse tends to occur at moments of great stress. Often people who commit physical abuse also have poor impulse control. This prevents them from thinking about what happens as a result of their actions. it is important to note that cases of child abuse are found in every racial or ethnic background and social class. It is impossible to tell abusers from non-abusers by looking at their appearance or background. Most people who commit physical abuse were abused themselves as children. As a result, they often do not realize that abuse is not appropriate discipline for children.

Karibi is a 13-year-old girl who lost her parents when she was ten. Later, she moved to live with her aunt; her brothers (aged 15 and 10) and her 6-year-old sister all moved with her. While her 15-year-old brother and aunt were out all day fetching food , the younger brother went to school, leaving Karibi to look after her younger sister. One day, her aunt came home to find out that Karibi had eaten the only food she had left for supper. The aunt was so angry that she dipped Karibi's right hand in boiling water. It wasn't the first time that Karibi had suffered at the hands of her aunt. She had been so badly beaten once that she ended up in admission at the nearby health centre. Till date the aunt often shouts at Karibi and blames her for everything wrong in the home, even for mistakes the young girl isn't responsible for.

Most children live in fear in their own homes. Most adults carry out their frustrations on these children. Sometimes parents come home drunk, and their children suffer the effect. The children become very withdrawn and jumpy when the abuser is in sight.

Karibi's case is one of the many examples of domestic abuse endured by children. I watched one on the news a few years back where a child had her lips sown together with needle and thread because her aunt said she talked too much. The lips were so swollen that the child couldn't speak. There is even far worse being done to children. Some by their teachers, others by health workers in charity homes, some by neighbours others by strangers. They break limbs, inflict burns and bruises. It makes me wonder if there are no subtle ways to discipline children. Are there no better ways for instilling the truth in them without hurting them physically and even worse psychologically?

How would you feel if someone burnt your hands because they want you to learn that lying is wrong? If adults were being burnt for every sin committed, or if people were being hurt that much, then by now, there'd be a lot of walking skeletons on our streets. We'd probably all be dead. Our wisdom nugget says "...in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you", in everything! It didn't say 'some things'.

Do unto those children what you would have someone do to you. And to women who keep little children as 'house maids' I'd like to say "do unto those children what you would like others to do unto your children." Selah

DEALING WITH CHILD (SEXUAL) ABUSE

Wisdom Nugget: "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

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Child sexual abuse occurs when adults (or older people) use children to fulfil their sexual pleasure.
Of all forms of abuse, child sexual abuse is perhaps the most difficult one for people to deal with. Nobody wants to think or talk about child sexual abuse because sex is considered to be something secret and taboo, not to be talked about. Not talking about sex however, has left children unprotected and adults feeling helpless. And truthfully, children can be sexually abused by anyone. That someone could be their parents, uncles, aunts, cousins and/or priests, even teachers. These trusted people are not incapable of sexually abusing them. There are a number of reasons for this. There are several things that make children especially vulnerable to sexual abuse. One of them is that traditionally, children are taught to respect and obey elders; this makes it difficult for them to say "no" to an adult. In addition, children are dependent on adults for many things including love, affection, protection, food and other basic needs and might want to do anything to make sure they keep getting them.

Brenda remarried two years after she lost her husband. She wanted a 'new daddy' for her four year old daughter, Jenny, and she believed Mike would fit properly into the role. She worked in a bank, so she always left home very early and came back late. Unknown to her, Mike was more interested in her little baby sexually than in being her daddy. He made her do things to him and also did things to her and the child never told anyone because she believed Mike when he said "that's what daddies do" He took pictures of her undressed and made her watch pornographic pictures and videos. Jenny would always cry when her mummy was going to work but Brenda never understood. In school Jenny kept to herself; she wouldn't participate in activities with the other kids. Back home Mike always snuck around trying to molest her even when mummy was fast asleep at night. This went on for years until Mike started physically abusing Brenda and she had to walk out of the marriage, taking Jenny with her. Jenny didn't tell her story until she was twenty-four years old when she went for counseling and had to free herself of the burden by telling her story for the first time.

This is the same story of most children living right under their parents. Some of them are being abused by uncles, neighbours, teachers, etc. and they might never get to tell them out of fear. That's why you have to look out for the signs yourself. It is a parent's responsibility as the adult around them. They might not be your children, but you have an obligation to report any child abuse you detect around you. Karen Adams said, "Child abuse does not go away. But 90% of child abuse is preventable"

We have to realize that children who are sexually abused may never recover from it except they get help. Abuse is damaging! It can change a child's destiny for the worse. That's why we need to help them and save them from paedophiles. We owe them that responsibility. It is a moral obligation. Our text says "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." This is addressed to the fathers in the household and, by extension, to anyone in authority over that child. Those in authority are commanded, not suggested, not to provoke (abuse) a child until he is violently angry or in a rage of frustration.  It's simply saying that people in authority should not abuse any child for any reason. There can never be a good reason to abuse a child.