On Handling Toxic Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived: bad company ruins good morals."

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Years ago, as a boy and very young, I loved travelling to the village for holidays. Things were so difficult for my mum, she made arrangements for me to go and live with my uncle in the village. This meant that he would be responsible for my welfare and all other attendant expenses associated with my education.

However, a couple of months before I was to finally leave for the village, my mum changed her mind. This was after I just returned from a holiday at the village. Her reasons? I'd been contaminated; my moral character had tremendously declined. She complained that I'd picked up upsetting tendencies from my cousins after my last visit, and she couldn't live with that. This marked the end of all plans to relocate to the village. Sadly, it was a trip I had so looked forward to.
Even though I couldn't see what she saw, I look back years after and feel thankful that I hadn't made that journey! It was a good thing my mum had foreseen how much I could have been changed by this exposure, and nipped it in the bud.

There is a very common saying "show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are". There is, I've noticed, a list of very few truths of which this statement comes tops. Like my mum noticed that me, my association with my cousins had negatively influenced me.

In life there are certain people whom should never be allowed into your life, because "bad company ruins good morals."
Many people believe and are of the opinion that had Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown she'd have still been alive today.
Listen to this; Cissy Houston, Whitney's mum, replies in an interview for "Oprah's Next Chapter", which aired recently. In "Remembering Whitney", which was released Tuesday - 2 weeks before the 1st anniversary of Whitney's death - Cissy Houston says she believes Whitney's life may have turned out differently if she'd never met Brown. She went further to say, "I do believe her life would have turned out differently," Cissy Houston continues, "It would have been easier for her to get sober and stay sober. Instead she was with someone who, like her...To me, he never seemed to be a help to her in the way she needed." Cissy Houston blames Brown for the rampant drug use that sent Whitney's career spiralling downward.

Unlike my mum, Cissy Houston couldn't make a decision for Whitney, and this is where we typically find ourselves today, entering relationships that ultimately destroy us.
Hear Senora Roy, "A fake friend can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy."
My advice? Steer clear.

Identifying Toxic Friendships

 Wisdom Nugget: "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go"
Why? First because they will make your life miserable & secondly because very soon you will start behaving like them because "evil communications corrupt good manners."

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"A friendship is between two peers," says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends. "There has to be balance in a friendship for it to be healthy; not one person whose needs get met and another whose needs are overlooked."

Friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children, health, and even our retirement. "Friendships are important everywhere, and they have positive things to contribute to all areas of your life," says Isaacs. "But that means they can also be toxic in any of these areas as well. A toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal. "Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back,"

You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is constantly mean and abusive.

Below are some signs to identify a toxic friendship.
(1) They always have to be the facilitator when friends get together/interact as a group. If they find out you and another friend have been talking or hanging out, they get angry.
(2) They have to be the first to know everything - and tell everything. God forbid you should tell another friend something first because she happened to call you first!
(3) They have rules to your friendship. When your friend tells you that if she stops being friends with someone, you can't be friends with them either, there's a problem.
(4) They always want to make sure no one looks like a better friend than them.
(5) They are negative about everything! The can always offer up a "but" or reasons why not. If you run a new idea or good news past them, they rain all over your parade. They are critical of everything: from your personal style to your life decisions.
Everything is a constant game of one-upmanship. A little healthy competition between friends is good but if your friend is constantly bragging or "putting on airs" and has to always beat you or be better than you - even to the point of making things up - they've crossed the line of healthy.
(6) You find yourself always spilling your guts to them but their personal life is "Fort Knox". This is a power play. They have all the dirt on you and you're left vulnerable.
(7) They talk bad about all of your mutual friends behind their backs and tell all of their personal business. More than likely, they're doing the same thing to you.
They manipulate people and situations. They lie, they cheat, and they always try to get over. As you watch them scheme and connive, it doesn't occur to you that you've been on the receiving end of this many times- but trust me, you have.
(8) The communication is one-sided (you always call, email, text) and you only hear from them when they want or need something. They always expect you to consider their feelings and think of them first and foremost but they definitely don't do the same.
(9) They replicate behaviors, attributes or other fragments of other people (introjection*). For example, whenever you tell a friend of yours about a new restaurant or great happy hour you tried, she would tell her other friend that SHE went to the restaurant or happy hour. The friend lived in another state so how would she know? Instead of actually going out and getting her own interesting life, she just replicated yours.
(10) They deny their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then ascribe them to others (projection*). Have you ever heard your friend describe the negative traits of another person and the whole time you're marvelling at the irony because your friend does the very things she's complaining about?

(To be continued)