On Gratitude

 Wisdom Nugget: "Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse."

Henry Van Dyke

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Two men were walking through a field one day when they spotted an enraged bull. Instantly they darted toward the nearest fence. The storming bull followed in hot pursuit, and it was soon apparent they wouldn't make it. Terrified, the one shouted to the other, "Put up a prayer, John. We're in for it!" John answered, "I can't. I've never made a public prayer in my life." "But you must!" implored his companion. "The bull is catching up to us." "All right," panted John, "I'll say the only prayer I know, the one my father used to repeat at the table: "O Lord, for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful."

If there is one vice most prevalent today, it is the vice of ingratitude. We receive so much, yet we complain. Our indebtedness to life is enormous and yet we rarely or at least infrequently offer thanks for our many little blessings. In fact, most people are even too ashamed to publicly offer thanks over their meals much less offer thanks over all the other blessings in our  lives. From the time we set out to go to work or school in the morning, we are either grouchy about the bus driver, crabby about the traffic, fussy about the staff who didn't answer our greeting, grumpy about our bad boss or just generally pissed off with the whole world.

We are much like the little boy who was given an orange by a man. The boy's mother asked, "What do you say to the nice man?" The little boy thought and handed the orange back and said, "Peel it." Expressing thankfulness need not be confined to a day or a season; it ought to be an attitude, a daily practice, a culture. Not to do it is to become bad-tempered, irritable, edgy, snappy, sullen, touchy, peevish, petulant, sulky, ill-tempered, irascible and cantankerous. Sounds like recipe for a very ugly look. You are too good looking to look like that. So, "in every thing give thanks..."

Never hold back in showing gratitude for acts of kindness received, no matter how small, Remember the saying: "feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it" - William Arthur Ward.

When To End A Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived; bad company ruins good morals."

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A "FRIEND" is defined as; one attached to another by esteem; or "one that is not hostile" It can also be defined as "one that promotes."

Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

From the little definition and quote about who a friend is above we can quickly deduce that "FRIENDSHIP" is supposed to be a venture of profits only...but from our discussions so far on this subject matter we realize that this isn't always the case and as a result we need to know when to call it quits in a relationship, because friendships can become very toxic and detrimental to our overall existence. The story below illustrates this kind of friendship.

"When I first met her, she had just gone through an ugly break up and had moved out of her boyfriend's home and into an apartment of her own. She had a part time job, a twelve-year-old daughter, and was in financial hell.

She couldn't make ends meet and since she was home schooling her child, was unable to work full time. Even though I wasn't exactly rolling in the dough, I always put a little aside to help her out...I handed her a few dollars for gas or food. I would spend countless hours, listening to her problems, her chaos, her drama. I'd give her unsolicited, but good advice just the same. I invited her over for dinners and to lunches. I took her daughter clothes shopping sometimes.

I felt like she was drowning and I was her only lifesaver. I felt like I had to fix her or, at the very least, be a supportive force in her life. I wanted to see her get back on her feet.

During our six year friendship, she bounced from relationship to relationship, some real and some developed and short-lived on the internet. Eventually, she found a complete loser to fall deeply in love with and each time he cheated on or ignored her, I was there to pick up the pieces.
And then she'd go back to him. I somehow felt responsible for her. Like life had dealt her a bad hand and it was my job to shuffle the deck and deal her a better one. It became stressful to spend time with her. It was emotionally draining and I began to dread her phone calls.

My positive energy was being sucked out by her negativity. No matter how hard I tried to help her, she always had excuses and a big cloud of gloom and doom over her head. I started to feel that gloom and doom. It's as though it was contagious. She was a sinking ship and she was literally dragging me down with her.

I knew I had to cut the strings and over time I began to wean her off of me. Less phone calls, less availability, and, as luck would have it, I moved across the state a few months (later), which made it impossible for us to get together and (gradually) I noticed that the less we spoke, the better I felt. Life suddenly looked brighter and I had a new found sense of freedom. I felt the toxins of a poisonous friendship leaving my body.

When it gets to this point in your relationships, the only wise thing to do is back out, while you still have your sanity in place, for we have heard the wise saying: "wisdom is profitable to direct.".

On Handling Toxic Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived: bad company ruins good morals."

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Years ago, as a boy and very young, I loved travelling to the village for holidays. Things were so difficult for my mum, she made arrangements for me to go and live with my uncle in the village. This meant that he would be responsible for my welfare and all other attendant expenses associated with my education.

However, a couple of months before I was to finally leave for the village, my mum changed her mind. This was after I just returned from a holiday at the village. Her reasons? I'd been contaminated; my moral character had tremendously declined. She complained that I'd picked up upsetting tendencies from my cousins after my last visit, and she couldn't live with that. This marked the end of all plans to relocate to the village. Sadly, it was a trip I had so looked forward to.
Even though I couldn't see what she saw, I look back years after and feel thankful that I hadn't made that journey! It was a good thing my mum had foreseen how much I could have been changed by this exposure, and nipped it in the bud.

There is a very common saying "show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are". There is, I've noticed, a list of very few truths of which this statement comes tops. Like my mum noticed that me, my association with my cousins had negatively influenced me.

In life there are certain people whom should never be allowed into your life, because "bad company ruins good morals."
Many people believe and are of the opinion that had Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown she'd have still been alive today.
Listen to this; Cissy Houston, Whitney's mum, replies in an interview for "Oprah's Next Chapter", which aired recently. In "Remembering Whitney", which was released Tuesday - 2 weeks before the 1st anniversary of Whitney's death - Cissy Houston says she believes Whitney's life may have turned out differently if she'd never met Brown. She went further to say, "I do believe her life would have turned out differently," Cissy Houston continues, "It would have been easier for her to get sober and stay sober. Instead she was with someone who, like her...To me, he never seemed to be a help to her in the way she needed." Cissy Houston blames Brown for the rampant drug use that sent Whitney's career spiralling downward.

Unlike my mum, Cissy Houston couldn't make a decision for Whitney, and this is where we typically find ourselves today, entering relationships that ultimately destroy us.
Hear Senora Roy, "A fake friend can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy."
My advice? Steer clear.

Good Friendships Are Priceless; More Precious Than Gold

Wisdom Nugget: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

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A friend is someone you can call when you mess up and trust that they won't judge you but will give their advice. A friend is someone who remembers that you don't like Onions in your salad. A friend is someone who goes to a boring place with you but makes it all fun. A friend is priceless! Friendship is wonderful but I must add - it is not easy. It requires a whole lot of work.  It requires putting someone first sometimes, it's all about inconvenience most times, it's a risky business. But it is definitely worth it!

A friend is not someone you can buy. Anyone who's in your life because of what they gain from you is not a friend but a leech. A friend enjoys with you when there's money and suffers with you when there's no money. Friends are not people we should joke with; in these times that economy is hitting everyone hard, natural disasters lurking everywhere, wars on the verge of breaking, people are really becoming more and more selfish so if you have a friend who still thinks about you and is still there for you then you should count yourself lucky. Don't play with their feelings; you do not know how many people out there who wished they had that friend you have.

Berlin -- Jesse Owens was sure he would win the long jump at the 1936 Olympic games. The previous year (1935) he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German practicing jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was aware of the German's desire to prove superiority especially over blacks. The German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!" he said to Owens. For the next few moments; the black and the German chatted. Then Luz Long made a suggestion, he said to Owens "since the qualifying distance is only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the take-off board and jump from there, just to play it safe?" Owens did as Long suggested and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long as he was killed in World War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long."

Can you truly say that about any of your friendships and mean it? Is there any friendship you value more than all your wealth put together? Most people will readily do away with friends in the stead of money. Friendship is priceless you can't buy it. Old Fredrick learnt the hard way. He made no friends through his life, all he was concerned about was building his wealth. Alone on his dying bed, he asked the nurse to contract people to cry at his funeral and the nurse replied "all the tears they shed wouldn't change the fact that you died alone with a nurse who sat by you only out of compulsion." You will not realize how priceless a friend is until you're on your death bed alone like old Fredrick. It was too late for him though but it isn't for you. You can still make friends now. Linda Grayson said "there is nothing better than a friend."

As friends, we're gifts to our friends, given to them for a purpose-to make their lives better. Are you fulfilling that purpose in your relationship with your friends? Will your friends miss your absence: are they feeling your help in times of their needs, or are they grieving  at your presence?

When Friendship Becomes An Inconvenience

Wisdom Nugget: "There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

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If you have friends, you'd have realized over the years that maintaining some friendships can be inconveniencing. Not for everyone, but for that particular person. Friendship is thinking about somebody else alongside you, sometimes even before yourself. It's all about sacrifice! Going out of your way to put that person's desire into consideration; you'd rather live alone but have to accommodate a stranded friend. When you'd rather spend your time alone but have to visit a friend who's going through stuff. When you'd rather not go on a trip because your friend your friend needs your presence at their party. You don't want to talk on the phone but have to take that call because it's your friend. The "gospel truth" like some would say is that friendship is inconveniencing but it's a pleasant inconvenience - one that gives you a sense of fulfilment afterwards. What is friendship if you are not willing to make sacrifices for others?

Little John was sent to the local store to get some milk for breakfast the one morning. On his way back it started raining "cats and dogs". Because his home was close he decided to make a dash for it, he was almost at his door when from the corner of his eye, he saw a figure; a little boy on the other side of the road. He looked closely and discovered it was his friend Tommy and he was pulling at his leg. He thought of running into his house after all Tommy hadn't seen him but quickly decided against it and ran over to his friend. It turned out that Tommy's feet was stuck in a hole on the side walk. He hadn't seen it because of the flowing water from the downpour. They tugged at his friend's leg until it was freed. Unfortunately, his ankle was sprained and so he had difficulty walking. Little John decided to help him all the way home and Tommy leaned on him. When little john got back home he explained to his mother what had happened. "Why didn't you leave him after you helped him free his leg? He would have hopped all the way home!" John looked at his mother in disbelief "what kind of friend would that make me mum?"

The whole ordeal with Tommy, was it an inconvenience for little Johnny? Yes it was. Did he regret it? Of course not! It was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Even though he was already home, he decided to stay longer in the rain for his friend. If little John had entered his house when he saw his friend, Tommy will never know that Little John had seen him and their "friendship" would have continued as usual. But in truth, would Little John be a good friend? No he wouldn't. Friendship is not just those inconveniences you make for your friends when they're aware they're also those ones you make behind their backs; one they might never learn about. When everyone is against your friend and trash-talking them; do you defend them? Look the other way? Or join in the trashing? When your friend is going through stuff can they count on you to be there for them? When the whole world has gone out can they trust you to come in? please don't be a friend only when it's convenient. Never enter a friendship with the notion that you won't be hurt. because we're all different people with different characters that are bound to clash.

 Hear Bob Nesta Marley, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

Making friends is really a leap of faith!

"I" Is For Investment: Friendships Require Investments

Wisdom Nugget: Remember when you "Give to others, and you will receive. You will be given much. It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold. You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way you will be given."

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To invest is to "Devote (one's time, effort, or energy) to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result."

Lesson 1: Friendship costs "time, effort, and energy" and if you are not willing to sacrifice these then you are not ready to build serious friendship. Investment also speaks of money put into a venture for profit. So straightaway lets settle this: friendship is like a bank account: you cannot pull out more than you are willing to invest or pay in. And every time you draw more than you deposit into it, your friendship account goes into red and the relationship suffers.

Lesson 2: Friendship is like a Football Game. Every time your friend scores a goal (of kindness) do not rest until you have equalized. You may not be able to do exactly what they did for you because you are not at the same financial level, but just score a goal nevertheless. It's not the size of the act but the size of the heart that matters. Some friends are like goal keepers, they never score any goals (of kindness), they only catch the balls (of kindness) played by others and anytime you stay only at the receiving end of any relationship, soon the other party becomes weary of giving all the time and begins to look for a way out. If I may ask, "what is the latest score between you and your friends lately?" If all you have been doing is conceding goals then its time to equalize. Don't be a looser !
Lesson 3: Every investment must have a "Worthwhile Result" or "Profit." One of the wisdom of life says "In all labour ,there is profit", and that profit must not be money only. It could be mentorship, character, manners, wisdom, encouragement, knowledge etc. but Profit you must get. Any friendship that adds nothing to you is killing you slowly.

However before you look for the profit in the relationship ask yourself, "how much have I invested in it?"

Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a beautiful kingdom. He was happy and so were his people. They worked together to improve the kingdom and brought the king many gifts. The king, in turn, was generous to his people. People all over the world heard of this kingdom and came to visit. They admired the beautiful kingdom and they marvelled at how happy everyone seemed to be. The kingdom grew and prospered. But then something happened. The king grew selfish and wanted more and more. He grew self-indulgent and demanded that the people bring him more and more food and more and more of the good things of life. The king's selfishness made him rich and fat, but the people became poor and miserable. One by one the people left the kingdom, and the kingdom that had been so beautiful and so happy began to fall apart. The king found himself alone in his castle, surrounded by mountains of food and all of the luxuries of life, but outside the kingdom had crumbled and the people had all slipped away. The king who had it all became selfish and wanted to keep it all, but he ended up losing it all.

"D" Is For Daring: Do You Find Friendships Daunting?

Wisdom Nugget: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
                                                                    - Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934.

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Many people do not have friends for the singular reason that they have been hurt too many times. So they decide to stay on their own to avoid being hurt again. As much as I relate with that, I do not think that isolating yourself is a path to a successful life. What can one achieve without a helping hand really? Even if you do achieve it alone, you would die a very lonely person. That's why I say that friendship is indeed a daunting venture. It's a courageous move!

When we make friends we really do not know everything about them, we probably just identified a quality in them and decided to call them friends. But you have not seen every side of them, you do not know if they will stand by you when you're down, you do not know if they'll lend a helping hand when you need one, you do not know if they'll push you on your way to success or down to your failure, you do not know for sure what they're capable of. You just call them 'friend' based on a speculation! Friends have to prove themselves, until they do, it's all a gamble which you should take anyway. Take it, go out there and find a friend. Don't die in loneliness because a joker came into your life, trampled on you and walked away.

Old Sam used to meet with his friend on Thursday afternoons at a café an hour away from his home. They met to play chess games and talk about old times. For six Thursdays consecutively his friend wouldn't show up and every time Sam ran into him he would give an excuse; a new one every time. And the next Thursday Old Sam will walk to the café to wait for his dear old friend who would never show. Sam's wife tried to convince him that his friend had moved on, he was apparently tired of these meetings or had probably made a new friend. But old Sam would always go back despite his wife's attempt to get him to stop. One Thursday after waiting for over one hour, he picked up his coat and decided to leave. An old man walked up to him and said, "this lady must be very important to you. Every Thursday you wait for her and every Thursday she never shows." Old Sam smiled sadly and explained that whom he waited for was no lady but an old friend whom he used to play chess with. "Aha!" He loved to play chess too the old man bellowed. He continued to explain that he always played alone. Old Sam asked why he had never seen him there at the café and the man replied "because you're always too busy looking at your watch and out the window." Old Sam smiled sadly. Would he like to play chess? The man asked. But Sam declined explaining that he had a long walk home and had to set out early. Would Sam meet him next Thursday for a chess game? "Of course" old Sam replied and headed home. Sam told his wife what had happened. His wife asked him if he would go and Sam replied "but of course!" "How do you know he won't stand you up like your old friend has been doing?" his wife asked and Sam replied "I don't know. It's a risk I'm willing to take"

Old Sam is more than willing to risk being stood up again. Do you know why? That's how friendship is cultivated. It's all risk and risk and risk until you begin to trust them. Even after trusting, some friends might still hurt you. Do you then decide to stop having friends? No! It's all a dare! Take it!

There are so many things that you could be, you could learn through a friend you've never met. Don't give up that opportunity simply because you're too afraid to take the dare of developing friendship.
Lasting friendship can occur suddenly like in our nugget. You can never tell where or how you'll meet a friend. Just open your heart to it.

"N" Is for Nurturing: Friendships Need Nurturing

Wisdom nugget: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

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The Merriam Webster Dictionary gives a clear and concise description of what "nurturing implies." Simply put, "It's to supply with nourishment; educate and further the development of."

I've heard a couple of people use the cliché ''in the good old days" Now is the good old days, probably referring to the past or when the friendship was interesting; my sincere question is how about now? Is there a missing link? Is the sparkle that used to be there still intact? All these questions bring to mind the fact that  friendship is a responsibility. Nurturing friendships is a sure way to improving relationships, otherwise the thrills begin to wane and the friendship becomes eroded by the things that had put a strain on it over time.  Undoubtedly, it's not easy to nurture anything; patience is one of the things you need if you will see the fruits you so much desire in  friendship. It may take some real time because individuals are wired differently. Sure, you wouldn't want to give up on your child who really gets choosy about foods and then say ''well I think I've exhausted my food options, now it's time to give up on and focus on something else that's worth my time." You may feel that's the best, but then there are dire consequences.

The truth is that your child stops growing and gets malnourished just because you gave up on nurturing him. It's the same way a husband and wife need to nurture their love for one another because they are friends. Understand the importance of developing friendships and nurturing the friendship. If there is no form of nurturing, the friendship begins to die slowly.

Since her high school years, Dorothy had a passion to become an internationally acclaimed public speaker. Sometimes she read out loud to herself and sometimes to the hearing of "so called" friends. But she had a seemingly great challenge with her pronunciation of words. Sometimes during her reading sessions at school, she would hear outbursts of laughter and then she returns to her seat in shame. It began to take a toll on her health, she felt inadequate and her passion for public speaking began to wane. Two months later, her family had to relocate and that was quite challenging for her. Her greatest concern was how she would cope in her new school. Will she meet with angels as friends this time or with those worse than the former friends? Many unanswered questions.

Interestingly, it was a different ball game all together. Her first day at school was thrilling, it was a quite receptive one for her and she hoped to meet real friends afterwards. One of the days she stood by the window in her room as she gazed into the sky, lost in utter admiration of the stars. Her phone rang and it was her mate at school who got her phone number from the class directory, and asked how she could help her edit the speech she was to deliver in 2 weeks. Dorothy stood amazed for a while and all she could mutter was "ok.ay". Edit what? She thought aloud. Is that some sort of joke? She felt inspired as she got ready for the meeting, she probably couldn't decipher why. The summary was that she helped the girl edit her speech and the girl being an excellent public speaker began to help her with her pronunciation exercises and gradually she began to improve, her confidence grew in stepwise successions. Her new friend encouraged her, and was patient with her as she got better. Each of them played a life changing role; and they both improved just because of the conscious decision to help each other and realizing that everyone had special ability. It was a nurturing experience for both. Dorothy became one of the best valedictorian of her time because she was receptive to nurturing.

Nurturing does a lot for a friendship, but I shall list five of these things.

Nurturing improves, illuminates, educates, renews and transforms.

As Marvin J Ashton says: "Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart. One who looks out for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them"

On Building Enduring Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!"

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These days a lot of young people walk away from friendships and when you ask them why they tell you "some people are just meant to pass through your life". Much as I may agree with this in part. I'm also of the opinion that friends shouldn't get so far apart that they cannot say a word of greeting when they bump into each other. Friendship is enduring, it's lasting, it's not something that you should totally cut off except the person has become a bad influence to you or others around you, otherwise, when you shut the door to a friendship please always keep a window open for you don't know when you might need to use that window. That "some people are just meant to pass through" message does not mean that you should go out there and make enemies. It simply means you should cut down on your level of intimacy; it is not a license to start off world war III! Never forget this "The friendship that can cease has never been real." - Saint Jerome

Now that I've gotten that first point out of the way, let's talk about people you're still friends with. Why are you eager to do away with a friend over an offence? I get that some friends can be so annoying. Some can drive you to the wall till you want to scream. But before you decide to end it ask yourself if they've always been like that or was it a onetime offence? Have you never wronged them? Did they not forgive you? Are they perfect? Can they not go wrong? If you quit a friendship today, who's to say another will never offend you tomorrow ? Be patient with your friend. Endure a while before you make that final decision. Be sure you have run out of options. Don't be a quitter. People will begin to wonder at your credibility if you have a different set of friends every new month. Learn to endure your friends' shortcomings for no man, not even you, is really perfect.

Mike went hiking with a large group of friends. He was ahead of everyone and was enjoying himself until unfortunately his shoes began to hurt. He got overly annoyed with this development; he didn't want to lose his position but the pain caused by his shoe was drawing him backwards so he decided to lose the shoes. His backpack was packed full and he carried a water flask so there was no carrying the shoe on his hands. He finally made up his mind to leave the shoes by a rock and continued on bare feet.

After a while, the sun got really hot and so did the rocks beneath Mike's feet. It got to a point it became so unbearable that he made the tough decision of going back for the shoes, he ran all the way back bumping into his troop as he ran. He got to the rock but didn't find his shoes. He caught up with his troop and asked for who had seen his shoes but nobody had seen it. He felt miserable and had the worst hiking ever as his feet burnt so much that he spent the next few weeks lying in the hospital.
So your friend gives you pain like Mike's shoes, is that a good reason to leave him/her by the rock? The day you need them you might return to find that they're no longer available. Learn to put up with friends even when they give you a crazy pain on your feet. Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!" don't be sour, laugh with your friends, cry with them, suffer with them. Endure. show yourself friendly, that'll make you a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

"E" Is For Encouragement: Friendship Is Encouragement

Wisdom Nugget: "Correction does much, but encouragement does more." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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In the Greek, the word "encourage" means "to call to one's side, to comfort, to console, to strengthen." To encourage is to inspire another with courage. Words of encouragement have a way of working as a panacea for someone hurting, depressed or going through pain. The way it feels if one takes a pain reliever when he/she has a headache or feels pain in any part of the body and after a while, relief from the pain comes is the same way FRIENDSHIP should make us feel. It may seem irrelevant  at the time but a while later, the effect is felt. It may just be the solution to a dying soul.

Encouragement is crucial to edify and nurture others because life can be discouraging at times. So are you a source of encouragement to your friends, family, spouse, children, colleagues etc?

William Arthur Ward said, "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." Encouragement acknowledges the fears that people have as real, and emboldens them despite those fears. A single word of encouragement can illuminate one's life.

During a practice session for the Green Bay Packers, things were not going well for Vince Lombardi's team. Lombardi singled out one big guard for his failure to "put out". It was a hot, muggy day when the coach called his guard aside and levelled his awesome vocal guns on him, as only Lombardi could. "Son, you are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. As a matter of fact, it's all over for you today, go take a shower." The big guard dropped his head and walked into the dressing room. 45 minutes later, when Lombardi walked in, he saw the big guard sitting in front of his locker still wearing his uniform. His head was bowed and he was sobbing quietly. Vince, ever the changeable but always the compassionate warrior, did something of an about face that was also typical of him. He walked over to his football player and put his arms around his shoulder. "Son," he said, "I told you the truth. You are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. However, in all fairness to you, I should have finished the story. Inside of you, son, there is a great football player, and I'm going to stick by your side until the great football player inside of you has a chance to come out and assert himself." With these words, Jerry Kramer straightened up and felt a great deal better. As a matter of fact, he felt so much better he went on to become one of the all-time greats in football and was recently voted the all-time guard in the first 50 years of professional football.

It's okay to correct and point out errors to people; but, it will amaze you how just one act of encouragement can change one's life  for good. Jerry would have become so depressed at what his coach said to him, his sense of confidence could have been shattered and he may have gone on to committing suicide. He must have felt worthless. The things we say or do to our friends, can spur them on to greatness, fulfill destiny or make them give up altogether.We must see the essence of encouraging even the smallest efforts. It could be a smile, a hug,  a note, or even a pat on the back or just saying well done! Encourage someone today. Let your action take the noose off someone's neck.

Wisdom Nugget: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,...but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

"I" Is For Influence: Your Friends Influence You

Wisdom Nugget: "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

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"The first time you say something, it's heard. The second time, it's recognized, and the third time it's learned" - John C. Maxwell

Influence is the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. Someone said once that, "your life will be a sum total of the books you read and the friends you keep."

In any relationship you experience either of the following:
(a) CORRUPTION: "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners, and  "...a companion of fools shall be destroyed."  Or,
(b)  PROMOTION: "He that walks with wise men shall be wise."

If you do not desire the influence someone will bring into your life, then do not make them your friend because, like it or not, FRIENDSHIP IS INFLUENCE. Have you noticed how an individual enters a new neighborhood and after sometime he begins to speak with their accent? That is called "Influence". As long as you fraternize with people, you must gradually begin to dress like them, talk like them, behave like them, and think like him.

As a young boy I grew up in a  poor neighborhood in Warri. Violence, crime and drugs were a very common sight. It was therefore only natural for me to very early in life find myself lost in alcohol and smoking. I knew it was a very dangerous path to follow in life, but it was my reality and I did not know any better. I particularly wondered then why people loved smoking. That stuff was so bitter in my mouth that each time I smoked it was horrible. But I needed to belong and all my friends smoked so who am I to change the rules? How would I flow with my guys if I didn't do what they did? It took a lot for me to be delivered from that gory past.

It was John C. Maxwell that said, "We choose what attitudes we have right now. And it's a continuing choice." It's a choice to influence or be influenced by other peoples attitudes. Every single character we display today are as a result of our interaction at different points in our lives with the so many people we have come across; our parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers etc.

What kind of influence do you want to have on your friends, CORRUPTION or PROMOTION? Understand first that you can only give what you have. So, it behoves on us to conciously and deliberately decide to influence people positively...There are no accidental successes, decide TODAY!

Let some someone be able to make references years after you've parted ways and testify how their lives improved after they met you.

Good Friendships Are Inspiring

Wisdom Nugget: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Source: Photo Pin

According to Charles Spurgeon, there are 4 kinds of friends in your life : those who subtract, those who divide, those who add and those who multiply you. On a broader scale, there are two kinds of friends, those who inspire you and those who expire you.

In the School of Relationship , Lesson 101 says, "Wealth will bring you many friends, but become poor and your friends will leave you. Many people are nice to a generous person. Everyone wants to be friends with someone who gives gifts."

Summary is "Most people will befriend you because of what they hope to gain, not because of what they can give."

These are called "fair weather friends". However Lesson 201 adds that, "Real Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble(adversity)."
Have you been there ?

In fact  CS Lewis submits that, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one !"

Truth is, life often deals us blows such that we feel like failures. At such times, you feel your efforts have been in vain and that you have wasted your time. What does the future hold? You wonder. There is no future, it's so dark you can't see a single ray of hope ... And David said "when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." i.e. at such time you do not need sinking sand; you don't need to sink down the pits of despair. You need a rock (an inspiring friend) that is higher than you (at that time) that can lift you up from your miry clay and "talk you through the storm". Real friends inspire you to do what you, otherwise cannot do. They challenge your possibilities and bring out the best in you. They are quick to say "Yes you can !"
 "I'm so depressed and I can't get any dates," the 300-pound man told his minister. "I've tried everything to lose weight."
"I think I can help," said the minister. "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow at 8 a.m."
Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skin-tight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He huffed and puffed after her. This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost 115 pounds and felt confident that he would catch the woman the next day. That morning he whipped open his front door and found a 300-pound woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."

Gloria Naylor wrote: "we cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over.

Remember: "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

R- RESPECT. FRIENDSHIP IS RESPECT

Wisdom Nugget:A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Source: Photo Pin

The story is told of a father of five who came home with a toy; he summoned his children and asked which one should be given the present. "Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mom and does everything he or she is told to do?" He inquired. There was silence, and then a chorus of voices: "You can play with it daddy!"

Respect is a fast disappearing culture in this century even amongst families. And  it is worse amongst friends . It was  Charles de Gaulle who said, “There can be no prestige without mystery, for familiarity breeds contempt.”

One of the top 3 destroyers of friendships anywhere in the world is the Lack of Respect arising from over-familiarity.  Jason Zebehazy wrote, " Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt. According to this my soulmate should be in Thailand.”

Unfortunately, our friends are not in Thailand or a hundred seas away . In fact, most of our friends are very close-by, and before you know it, we begin to take each other for granted. Gradually we begin to erode the boundaries that defined the relationship in the first place (for EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DEFINED BY BOUNDARIES) and once that happens, the relationship begins to suffer.

For instance, Anna messes up Anita's room and does not bother to fix it. She uses the toilet and does not bother to clean it, wears Anita's clothes and jewelries without permission, intrudes into her privacy at will, borrows from her and does not return or pay back. Sometimes, Anna makes promises with no intention of keeping them; she does not keep appointments and completely disregards and abuses her time.  Problem is, most often, we do not value our friends until we loose them. Never take your friends for granted. They are your greatest wealth.

Frankly, if you want to keep your friends then "show yourself friendly". Respect and honour your friends. Look at what you've got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Richard David Bach said "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.” One Persian Proverb says “He who wants a rose must respect the thorn.” And Nelson Mandela concludes “For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

A Friend Knows All, And Loves You Still

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Source: Photo Pin

Using F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P as an acronym in the next couple of days let me share with you on the Laws of friendship.

F= FOCUS: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN GIVE TO THE FRIENDSHIP, NOT ON WHAT THE FRIENDSHIP CAN GIVE TO YOU. The first law of love is GIVE, not TAKE.

As humans we are all naturally selfish. We all need someone to love us, care for us, encourage us and fight for us. And quite honestly there is nothing wrong with desiring all these, except that, imagine that both you and your friend came into the relationship to TAKE all these and more from the other. Naturally, you will soon be tearing at each other's throat demanding for your own portion of love, care etc. But imagine that you both came to GIVE all that and more. Soon there will be abundance of love, care etc. and because both of you are trying to out give the other, the relationship is constantly enriched and overflowing in love, care etc. The truth, however, is that like life itself, (where to live, you must GIVE OUT carbon dioxide and TAKE IN oxygen) so in friendship we must both give and RECEIVE (not DEMAND) whilst we FOCUS on our  primary responsibility on what we BRING  to the table. To enter a relationship with the goal to TAKE is the almighty formula for disappointments, heart breaks and self pity. You are hanging your joy on a man like you and the arms of flesh will fail you.

Jackie Robinson was the first black to play major league baseball. Breaking baseball's colour barrier, he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then, shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career. The gesture spoke more eloquently than the words: This man is my friend.

As Elbert Hubbard puts it, "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." And Albert Camus adds, "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

Laws Of Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Source: Photo Pin

Friends are the next outer circle of relationships after family members. Unlike family who you did not choose, friends maintain an on-going contact with you because they want to. You go through life's journey together as a family because you all live in the same town and have grown through the years together.

Friendship develops through a common activity - work, school, sports, church, etc. Unless you have a reason to spend time with each other on a regular basis you will never get to know each other well enough. A bonding takes place out of sharing a common experience and seeing how each of you reacts differently to the same circumstances. So what would be the dos and don'ts of good friendship?
Although there are no "exact" rules of friendship, there are some guidelines that can help create more enriching, productive, and long-lasting friendships. Many people treat friendships as if they were somehow less valuable than family or romantic relationships, but actually all friendships have the same capacity to enrich our lives and increase our general happiness. In fact, the good book says "there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother". The rules of friendship are important to being happy whether you seeking a romantic partner or not, and you will be more successful in creating a quality relationship with anyone in your life if you can approach making friends from a position of independence and happiness of your own to start with. However, real friendships are not created by legal, social, or monetary obligations, and instead are usually held together only by mutual interests, respect, love and shared values...Hmmm, did you say SHARED VALUES?

Let me give you a picture of life without shared values or Principles: James Patterson and Peter Kim, in "The Day America Told the Truth", 1991 posted this question: "What are you willing to do for $10,000,000?" Two-thirds of Americans polled would agree to at least one, some to several of the following:
Would abandon their entire family (25%)
Would abandon their church (25%)
Would become prostitutes for a week or more (23%)
Would give up their American citizenships (16%)
Would leave their spouses (16%)
Would withhold testimony and let a murderer go free (10%)
Would kill a stranger (7%)
Would put their children up for adoption (3%)

Compare that to a man of Principle called Daniel: "But Daniel determined that he would not defile himself by eating the king's food or drinking his wine, so he asked the head of the palace staff to exempt him from the royal diet."

HANDLING REJECTION II

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Wisdom Nugget: "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."



It was Sylvester Stallone of the "Rambo" fame who said, "I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat." And Louise Nevelson added, "I think all great innovations are built on rejections." It's amazing how people take rejection when it hits them; some respond with outstanding mind blowing results, while yet others react with devastating consequences. Different strokes for different folks, you might say.

Freddy was a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.  "Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I have a favour to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me. "Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him." "There's something you should know," Freddy continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us." "I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live." "No, I want him to live with us." "Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such disabilities would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."At that point, Freddy hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Freddy had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg

Freddy's parents are like many of us today we find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we expect. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

We can either be victims of, or victors over rejection.

FRIENDS DO NOT (ONLY) LAST A LIFE TIME

Wisdom Nugget: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother

Photo credit: Photopin

Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?

In the few years I have lived, I have seen quite a great deal of unbelievable conduct between supposed friends which is why I strongly hold the view that most FRIENDS DO NOT LAST A LIFE TIME

(1) Ebi just lost the father and soon after the burial she needed badly to pay her school fees and felt the best person to talk to would be the Dad's former best friend. To her utter shock, he demands for sex as a pre-condition for any financial assistance.
(2) Mr Tony and his best friend Tijani who were business partners were at the verge of closing a major deal that would fetch them hundreds of millions, when suddenly Tijani got involved in a ghastly accident on his way to one of the project sites. He died  a few days later and a month after his burial the project is completed and money paid to their company account. The widow of late Mr Tijani got wind that payment had just been made for the job which took her husband's life. She phoned Mr Tony, but he refused to answer her calls.She eventually tracked him down to the office and he lied to her that no payment was ever made. Two years later, she received a pittance from Mr Tony; upposedly her husband's share of the contract money. He said he didn't have to give her anything and wass in fact doing her a Favour.
(3) A heated argument broke out between the driver and this pretty young woman. She would not pay any fare for her young son because she did not have such money. She would rather carry him on her laps. Then she added "After all, since his father died, they haven't given me nothing !" At that point I became curious and wanted to know more. I offered to pay for her son so she could tell me. Her husband had died in war as an Ecomog Peace keeping soldier in Liberia. And when she demanded for his gratuities, her husband's former boss insisted on sleeping with her first. When she refused, the money was finally paid to her father-in-law who refused to give her or any of her kids a dime. Only her first son was in school, courtesy of some kind soldiers in the barracks who had contributed into a purse to help him for he was very bright.


David and Jonathan entered into a covenant of friendship. Many years later both Jonathan and his father Saul were dead and forgotten, but not by David. David woke up one morning, according to our text, and began to look for just any survivors of Saul's family so he could show them kindness, not for their sake but " for Jonathan's sake!" Because David believed that true friendship lasts beyond one's life time; it endures for all time. David discovered Mephibosheth,  restored back to him every property, investment and servant belonging to his late father, and all the benefits due a king's son.

Look for family members of your late covenant (bosom or close friend)  who are in "Lode-bar" (distress and despair) and show them kindness "for your late friend's sake" because friends are not only for life but much more in death. The bad news is we will all die one day and the seeds we sow for others today, (good, bad or ugly) our families shall reap them "good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over."

As the wise saying goes, whatever goes around, comes around. Friends are not for life only but for all time ! Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

And "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted"-Aesop.

Friends Are Not For Life...

Wisdom Nugget: "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

                                                                                                                -Albert Camus

Friends
Photo credit: photopin

We've probably used this very popular phrase about friends before. "Friends are for life". But today I beg to completely disagree with you.

Amongst all the several definitions of who a true friend is that I have read about, William Penn's stands out: "a true friend freely advises, justly assists, readily adventures, boldly takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably."

For want of space, let me take only one item from the above: "DEFENDS COURAGEOUSLY".

A true friend will not keep quiet when someone is gossiping about you. They may not know the details but will not tolerate anyone running you down where they are. They courageously defend you first before they come to find out (from you) whether what they said about you was true . In the law of friendship "silence (when your friend is being defamed) is equal to tacit support for the defamation." You are as guilty as the one who is peddling the story. But DEFENDING COURAGEOUSLY goes beyond gossips.

Everyone knows the fate of women when their husbands die (or when their sons die). Inhuman treatment are sometimes, metted out to helpless and defenseless widows in certain cultures.That was why Jesus said to his mother, "woman, behold thy son!" Then saith he to his trusted friend  "Behold thy mother!" And because the trusted friend, John, understood the coded language of his dear and dying friend Jesus, from that hour he took her unto his own home, to protect, defend and look after her. Remember, soon after this Jesus died. The master's body was lifeless. John's friend and future were buried, but still John didn't leave. Why? Was he waiting for the resurrection? No. As far as he knew, Jesus' lips were forever silent and his hands forever still. He wasn't expecting a Sunday surprise. Then why was he here? You'd think he would have left. Who was to say that the men who crucified Christ wouldn't come after him? The crowds were pleased with one crucifixion; the religious leaders might have called for more. Why didn't John get out of town? Perhaps the answer was pragmatic. Perhaps, he was taking care of Jesus' mother. Or maybe he lingered because he loved his friend Jesus. To others, Jesus was a miracle worker, was a master teacher, to some others, Jesus was the hope of Israel. But to John, he was all of these and more. To John, Jesus was a friend. John had learnt that "You don't abandon a friend - not even when that friend is dead because friends are not for life but for all time".

Did he understand Jesus? No. Nobody fully did. Was he glad Jesus did what he did? No. But did he leave Jesus? No. Our friendship is hypocritical if after our friend died, we did not arise to defend his widow and fight for the upkeep of their children. If we watched our friend's widow humiliated and their children frustrated by a tradition that gave one irresponsible in-law the right to deprive her and her kids of all their late husband and father laboured for and did nothing, then we were never friends in the first place, but wicked, selfish, conscienceless and  opportunistic imposters whose true character had been revealed in the unfortunate event. Our friends' widow and children are still in shock as they observe our indifference, wondering if we were the same people who ate in their home and hung around with their dad.

Friends we should take up our responsibilities, and understand that : "FROM THE DAY OUR FRIEND DIES WE BECAME A FATHER  TO HIS KIDS AND A HUSBAND TO HIS WIDOW"! Not in conjugal terms but in terms of "RESPONSIBILITY TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY".

Let us conclude with the words of  C. JoyBell C "There are still some wonderful people left in this world! They are diamonds in the rough, but they're around! You'll find them when you fall down- they're the ones who pick you up. They will never judge you. But you'll only know them them when you're down! When you get up again, remember who your true friends are!"

 "... there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

Bottomline: riends are not for life, but for all time.

Cultivating Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"

Friendship

Friendship is a powerful aspect of the human existence.  No man is poor who has friends, and no man is rich who does not have friends.  But, of course the meaning of friendship may differ from person to person and culture to culture.  In recent times, people are moving towards social isolation. People now work from their homes; most people shop online; others have their goods delivered at their doors. We now bank online and get enough entertainment on cable. We no longer create opportunities to cultivate social skills; people now live in loneliness and emptiness. But the truth is we are created for friendships. As the popular sage goes, "No man is an island".

A man came home to find his house in disarray, he proceeded to the bedroom to find his wife frantically pulling drawers and throwing things all over the room. "What's going on honey?" he asked "I can't find it," she replied. "Can't find what?" the confused husband asked but the woman didn't reply. She kept on throwing things around. The man walked over to her and gripped her shoulders. "Look at me. Look at me." The woman burst into tears. "Calm down. Take a deep breath, breathe". The woman stopped sobbing and looked into her husband's eyes. "What are you looking for?" he asks calmly. "I can't send holiday greetings to our friends," she said amidst sobs. "Why not? Don't you do that every year?" the husband asked. "No, not that," the wife said in frustration. "I can't find the card list" "the card list?" the still confused husband asks "I don't know who our friends are without it. Do you?" The man looked away thoughtfully and took a beep breath, "well then, send to only our parents, at least we remember who they are."

This might seem funny, but this is what friendship has been reduced to for most people: a name on a list that gets contacted out of tradition once a year.

The sad part is that the people who manage to make friendships are superficial and shallow. We have become too busy to keep true friendships.

 Jeremy Taylor once said, "by friendship you mean the greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable." There's something very powerful about friendships; they not to be taken lightly.

The quoted writer considers those things in life  lasting value, and those things that are passing, empty, or vain.  He makes a list of vain things.  He lists pleasures, money, fame, and many other things, which in the end, are empty and void of lasting value and meaning.  In the end, he lists very few things that are not vain. These are very few things, which have lasting value and benefit.  But one of those things which he sees as having lasting value is friendship. Someone once said that, "the fabric of friendship never gets worn out."

The value of true friendship is everlasting. It's not just calling on them only when in need but also being there for them when they need you. It's not just staying when others stay, but also staying when others leave. It's not just saying what they want to hear but also saying what they don't want to hear.

Keep friends and be loyal to them. Don't die in isolation. We all need friends!

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