On Handling Toxic Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived: bad company ruins good morals."

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Years ago, as a boy and very young, I loved travelling to the village for holidays. Things were so difficult for my mum, she made arrangements for me to go and live with my uncle in the village. This meant that he would be responsible for my welfare and all other attendant expenses associated with my education.

However, a couple of months before I was to finally leave for the village, my mum changed her mind. This was after I just returned from a holiday at the village. Her reasons? I'd been contaminated; my moral character had tremendously declined. She complained that I'd picked up upsetting tendencies from my cousins after my last visit, and she couldn't live with that. This marked the end of all plans to relocate to the village. Sadly, it was a trip I had so looked forward to.
Even though I couldn't see what she saw, I look back years after and feel thankful that I hadn't made that journey! It was a good thing my mum had foreseen how much I could have been changed by this exposure, and nipped it in the bud.

There is a very common saying "show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are". There is, I've noticed, a list of very few truths of which this statement comes tops. Like my mum noticed that me, my association with my cousins had negatively influenced me.

In life there are certain people whom should never be allowed into your life, because "bad company ruins good morals."
Many people believe and are of the opinion that had Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown she'd have still been alive today.
Listen to this; Cissy Houston, Whitney's mum, replies in an interview for "Oprah's Next Chapter", which aired recently. In "Remembering Whitney", which was released Tuesday - 2 weeks before the 1st anniversary of Whitney's death - Cissy Houston says she believes Whitney's life may have turned out differently if she'd never met Brown. She went further to say, "I do believe her life would have turned out differently," Cissy Houston continues, "It would have been easier for her to get sober and stay sober. Instead she was with someone who, like her...To me, he never seemed to be a help to her in the way she needed." Cissy Houston blames Brown for the rampant drug use that sent Whitney's career spiralling downward.

Unlike my mum, Cissy Houston couldn't make a decision for Whitney, and this is where we typically find ourselves today, entering relationships that ultimately destroy us.
Hear Senora Roy, "A fake friend can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy."
My advice? Steer clear.

Good Friendships Are Priceless; More Precious Than Gold

Wisdom Nugget: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

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A friend is someone you can call when you mess up and trust that they won't judge you but will give their advice. A friend is someone who remembers that you don't like Onions in your salad. A friend is someone who goes to a boring place with you but makes it all fun. A friend is priceless! Friendship is wonderful but I must add - it is not easy. It requires a whole lot of work.  It requires putting someone first sometimes, it's all about inconvenience most times, it's a risky business. But it is definitely worth it!

A friend is not someone you can buy. Anyone who's in your life because of what they gain from you is not a friend but a leech. A friend enjoys with you when there's money and suffers with you when there's no money. Friends are not people we should joke with; in these times that economy is hitting everyone hard, natural disasters lurking everywhere, wars on the verge of breaking, people are really becoming more and more selfish so if you have a friend who still thinks about you and is still there for you then you should count yourself lucky. Don't play with their feelings; you do not know how many people out there who wished they had that friend you have.

Berlin -- Jesse Owens was sure he would win the long jump at the 1936 Olympic games. The previous year (1935) he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German practicing jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was aware of the German's desire to prove superiority especially over blacks. The German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!" he said to Owens. For the next few moments; the black and the German chatted. Then Luz Long made a suggestion, he said to Owens "since the qualifying distance is only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the take-off board and jump from there, just to play it safe?" Owens did as Long suggested and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long as he was killed in World War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long."

Can you truly say that about any of your friendships and mean it? Is there any friendship you value more than all your wealth put together? Most people will readily do away with friends in the stead of money. Friendship is priceless you can't buy it. Old Fredrick learnt the hard way. He made no friends through his life, all he was concerned about was building his wealth. Alone on his dying bed, he asked the nurse to contract people to cry at his funeral and the nurse replied "all the tears they shed wouldn't change the fact that you died alone with a nurse who sat by you only out of compulsion." You will not realize how priceless a friend is until you're on your death bed alone like old Fredrick. It was too late for him though but it isn't for you. You can still make friends now. Linda Grayson said "there is nothing better than a friend."

As friends, we're gifts to our friends, given to them for a purpose-to make their lives better. Are you fulfilling that purpose in your relationship with your friends? Will your friends miss your absence: are they feeling your help in times of their needs, or are they grieving  at your presence?

How Inspiring Are Your Friendships?

Wisdom Nugget: "It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."

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The dictionary defines INSPIRE as, "to influence, move, or guide" or  "to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on."

Inspiration is a very vital part of our lives today. If you've lived long enough in life you'd have realized that there are times when you seem not to be certain as to what fork on the road to take; sometimes we feel like just giving up on the journey altogether. It is at points like these that the presence of friends are most needed to influence, or guide us rightly. To enliven or animate our "inanimate-ness" as it were, for our life's steam seem to go out here. Arnold H. Glasow said, "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."

John Newton is best-known as the author of the famous hymn, "Amazing Grace," his life teemed with spiritual fruit. A new biography on his life by Jonathan Aitken gives us a peek into the legacy of the man who said, "I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great Savior." Newton was an author, preacher, and hymn-writer, perhaps his most profound legacy is the fruit of his friendships. Newton was friend to William Cowper. Cowper suffered throughout his life from a terrible depression. But the window of his most productive years opened when he met with Newton. During this time he produced works like, "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood." One biographer noted, "Cowper, throughout [his] life, lacked personal initiative." The encouragement from Newton, however, was enough to spur Cowper to produce some 60 hymns. And when Cowper later sunk into such a depression that he nearly took his own life, it was his friendship with Newton that stopped him. Newton also played a vital role as friend and mentor in the life of William Wilberforce who led the charge to abolish the british slave trade and ultimately slavery itself in England. When Wilberforce came to faith, he turned to Newton for advice. It was Newton who encouraged him not to abandon politics but to use his political skills for good. Newton who encouraged him to take up the cause of abolishing the slave-trade, and it was Newton who encouraged him to persevere when he considered giving up the fight in 1796. Well into his later years, Newton continued to bear fruit in his friendships. He helped bring a young writer by the name of Hannah More to faith. She went on to start the modern Sunday School movement. And he met for breakfast frequently with a young man by the name of William Carey, who would become a missionary to India and a pioneer for the modern mission's movement. Newton would not have considered himself a great saint, but a great sinner used by God. His life reminds us all of the profound impact that deep spiritual friendships can have. And it encourages us. Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

We must live our lives such that we can be great sources of inspiration to those around us who might already be considering "throwing in the towel".

"I" Is For Investment: Friendships Require Investments

Wisdom Nugget: Remember when you "Give to others, and you will receive. You will be given much. It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold. You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way you will be given."

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To invest is to "Devote (one's time, effort, or energy) to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result."

Lesson 1: Friendship costs "time, effort, and energy" and if you are not willing to sacrifice these then you are not ready to build serious friendship. Investment also speaks of money put into a venture for profit. So straightaway lets settle this: friendship is like a bank account: you cannot pull out more than you are willing to invest or pay in. And every time you draw more than you deposit into it, your friendship account goes into red and the relationship suffers.

Lesson 2: Friendship is like a Football Game. Every time your friend scores a goal (of kindness) do not rest until you have equalized. You may not be able to do exactly what they did for you because you are not at the same financial level, but just score a goal nevertheless. It's not the size of the act but the size of the heart that matters. Some friends are like goal keepers, they never score any goals (of kindness), they only catch the balls (of kindness) played by others and anytime you stay only at the receiving end of any relationship, soon the other party becomes weary of giving all the time and begins to look for a way out. If I may ask, "what is the latest score between you and your friends lately?" If all you have been doing is conceding goals then its time to equalize. Don't be a looser !
Lesson 3: Every investment must have a "Worthwhile Result" or "Profit." One of the wisdom of life says "In all labour ,there is profit", and that profit must not be money only. It could be mentorship, character, manners, wisdom, encouragement, knowledge etc. but Profit you must get. Any friendship that adds nothing to you is killing you slowly.

However before you look for the profit in the relationship ask yourself, "how much have I invested in it?"

Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a beautiful kingdom. He was happy and so were his people. They worked together to improve the kingdom and brought the king many gifts. The king, in turn, was generous to his people. People all over the world heard of this kingdom and came to visit. They admired the beautiful kingdom and they marvelled at how happy everyone seemed to be. The kingdom grew and prospered. But then something happened. The king grew selfish and wanted more and more. He grew self-indulgent and demanded that the people bring him more and more food and more and more of the good things of life. The king's selfishness made him rich and fat, but the people became poor and miserable. One by one the people left the kingdom, and the kingdom that had been so beautiful and so happy began to fall apart. The king found himself alone in his castle, surrounded by mountains of food and all of the luxuries of life, but outside the kingdom had crumbled and the people had all slipped away. The king who had it all became selfish and wanted to keep it all, but he ended up losing it all.

"H" Is For Honesty: Friendships Thrive On Honesty

Wisdom nugget: "An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy."

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Honesty is important in friendships; it is the key foundation in trust, and trust should be present in friendship. Sadly, it has become increasingly difficult to trust people because they lack honesty. People have been lied to and swindled so much that everyone is being regarded with suspicion (we take people's words with a pinch of salt).


Hansel lived with her two elder sisters; Brenda and Chloe. They never married so they had lived together for a very long time. One evening Hansel was in the kitchen preparing dinner. She called out to her sisters who were in the living room. "The phone is ringing. Can someone pick it up". Her sisters answered simultaneously "okay". But the phone kept ringing. Hansel wiped her hands on her apron and went to pick up the phone. She looked in on her sisters and found Brenda knitting and Chloe reading a book. She returned to the kitchen and after a while called out again. "There's someone at the front door." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously. After a while the knock continued and Hansel went to answer the door; it was the milk man. Hansel checked in on her sisters again and found that they hadn't moved from their positions. She stood at the door and yelled "OMG the kitchen is on fire." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously each not moving. Hansel matched into the living room, hands akimbo "why do you two never respond to anything I say." "Okay" the two sisters respond simultaneously not looking up. "I asked a question" Hansel cried in frustration. They both looked at her. "Why do you not respond to anything I say?" Hansel repeated and Brenda replied "oh come on honey. I stopped listening to you in 1987."  "when you told us you saw an alien in our front lawn and I almost fell to my death running" Chloe squints "or was it in 1985 when you woke me and told me Brenda was lying dead in her room" "no, no it was in 1982 when she woke me up and told me the house was on fire and I fell down the stairs trying to get away." "We're done listening to you honey, I'm in a wheel chair and Brenda limps because we believed you one too many times"


Have you become like Hansel that everyone no longer listens to? Have you become the kind of person that when they're talking everybody just nods even though they're not listening? People are now so used to your dishonesty that your words no longer hold meaning? But I wonder, if you are not truthful to your friend who then will you be truthful to? It is important that you tell your friends the truth no matter how painfull it is. If they have an ugly character it is your obligation as a friend to be honest with them and spell out the truth. But please don't do it by putting them down. Choose your time, place and words well and talk to them. When you're down be honest and tell your friends so that they can help you by being there for you. When they displease you, let them know. How else will they repent from it?


Someone once said "A friendship with no honesty is like food without salt. tasteless!" an unknown quote put it this way "A friendship that lacks honesty is not friendship, it's just a façade."

How Priceless Are Your Friendships?

"D" Is For Dear:
Wisdom Nugget: "A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world"
                                                                             - Leo Buscaglia

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David and Jonathan were two great friends, and their relationship is one we are all familiar with. Jonathan loved David as himself. It was quite evident to all how dear they were to each other. People who are fond of each other share lots of things in common. There is usually an overflow of joy when we know there's someone who is near and dear to our heart. Although, that feeling of joy is sometimes taken away by the physical absence of the friend. But physical absence doesn't mean that our friend is emotionally unavailable. We can be thousands of miles away from a friend and still remain dear to them.

Friendship is also not dependent on class or ethnicity. What matters is that you both share a positive interest and truly love each other. That's all it takes to make a friend dear! Consider this in the following story:
As a part of an assignment for a doctoral thesis, a college student spent a year with a group of Navajo Indians on a reservation in the Southwest. As part of his research he lived with one of the Navajo families, sleeping in their hut, eating their food, working with them, & generally living the life of a 20th-century Indian.

The old grandmother of the family spoke no English at all, yet a very close friendship formed between them. They spent a great deal of time sharing a friendship that was meaningful to each, yet unexplainable to anyone else. In spite of the language difference, they shared the common language of love & understood each other. Over the months he learned a few phrases of Navajo, & she picked up a little of the English language.

When it was time for him to return to the campus to complete his thesis, the tribe held a going-away celebration. It was marked by sadness since the young man had become close to the whole village & all would miss him. As he prepared to leave, the old grandmother came to bid him good-bye. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she placed her hands on either side of his face, looked directly into his eyes & said, "I like me best when I'm with you."

Despite the language barrier, the college student was able to make friends who became dear to him and vice versa. All he did was make an impact in their lives so much that it was hard for them to let go when it was time for him to leave. What impact do you leave on your friends? Does out of sight mean out of mind for you? Do you take and take and not give back? Then you are building friendships that are sure to crumble. To build friendships that will remain dear, you have to reciprocate the love your friends shower on you. Distance may be a physical barrier sometimes but that special place still stays green. Keep in touch with those who are dear to you and always let them know how great a company they are.