TRUE FRIENDSHIP

"A true friend encourages us, comforts us, supports us like a big easy chair, offering us a safe refuge from the world." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

True Friendship

Bits & Pieces, of January 9, 1992 has the story. When Jan Paderewski was to leave his native Poland to play his first recital in London, he asked an influential compatriot to give him a letter of introduction to a leading figure in Britain's musical world, who might be of assistance should anything go amiss. The letter was handed to him in a sealed envelope. He hoped that everything would proceed smoothly and he would not have to use it. He did not; his debut was a success and no snags developed. Some years later, while going through his papers, Paderewski came upon the letter and opened it. It read: "This will introduce Jan Paderewski, who plays the piano, for which he demonstrates no conspicuous talent."

This is a true story. Some years ago, a young man was shocked to discover that he was passed for a promotion, for which everyone knew

When To End A Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived; bad company ruins good morals."

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A "FRIEND" is defined as; one attached to another by esteem; or "one that is not hostile" It can also be defined as "one that promotes."

Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

From the little definition and quote about who a friend is above we can quickly deduce that "FRIENDSHIP" is supposed to be a venture of profits only...but from our discussions so far on this subject matter we realize that this isn't always the case and as a result we need to know when to call it quits in a relationship, because friendships can become very toxic and detrimental to our overall existence. The story below illustrates this kind of friendship.

"When I first met her, she had just gone through an ugly break up and had moved out of her boyfriend's home and into an apartment of her own. She had a part time job, a twelve-year-old daughter, and was in financial hell.

She couldn't make ends meet and since she was home schooling her child, was unable to work full time. Even though I wasn't exactly rolling in the dough, I always put a little aside to help her out...I handed her a few dollars for gas or food. I would spend countless hours, listening to her problems, her chaos, her drama. I'd give her unsolicited, but good advice just the same. I invited her over for dinners and to lunches. I took her daughter clothes shopping sometimes.

I felt like she was drowning and I was her only lifesaver. I felt like I had to fix her or, at the very least, be a supportive force in her life. I wanted to see her get back on her feet.

During our six year friendship, she bounced from relationship to relationship, some real and some developed and short-lived on the internet. Eventually, she found a complete loser to fall deeply in love with and each time he cheated on or ignored her, I was there to pick up the pieces.
And then she'd go back to him. I somehow felt responsible for her. Like life had dealt her a bad hand and it was my job to shuffle the deck and deal her a better one. It became stressful to spend time with her. It was emotionally draining and I began to dread her phone calls.

My positive energy was being sucked out by her negativity. No matter how hard I tried to help her, she always had excuses and a big cloud of gloom and doom over her head. I started to feel that gloom and doom. It's as though it was contagious. She was a sinking ship and she was literally dragging me down with her.

I knew I had to cut the strings and over time I began to wean her off of me. Less phone calls, less availability, and, as luck would have it, I moved across the state a few months (later), which made it impossible for us to get together and (gradually) I noticed that the less we spoke, the better I felt. Life suddenly looked brighter and I had a new found sense of freedom. I felt the toxins of a poisonous friendship leaving my body.

When it gets to this point in your relationships, the only wise thing to do is back out, while you still have your sanity in place, for we have heard the wise saying: "wisdom is profitable to direct.".

On Handling Toxic Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived: bad company ruins good morals."

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Years ago, as a boy and very young, I loved travelling to the village for holidays. Things were so difficult for my mum, she made arrangements for me to go and live with my uncle in the village. This meant that he would be responsible for my welfare and all other attendant expenses associated with my education.

However, a couple of months before I was to finally leave for the village, my mum changed her mind. This was after I just returned from a holiday at the village. Her reasons? I'd been contaminated; my moral character had tremendously declined. She complained that I'd picked up upsetting tendencies from my cousins after my last visit, and she couldn't live with that. This marked the end of all plans to relocate to the village. Sadly, it was a trip I had so looked forward to.
Even though I couldn't see what she saw, I look back years after and feel thankful that I hadn't made that journey! It was a good thing my mum had foreseen how much I could have been changed by this exposure, and nipped it in the bud.

There is a very common saying "show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are". There is, I've noticed, a list of very few truths of which this statement comes tops. Like my mum noticed that me, my association with my cousins had negatively influenced me.

In life there are certain people whom should never be allowed into your life, because "bad company ruins good morals."
Many people believe and are of the opinion that had Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown she'd have still been alive today.
Listen to this; Cissy Houston, Whitney's mum, replies in an interview for "Oprah's Next Chapter", which aired recently. In "Remembering Whitney", which was released Tuesday - 2 weeks before the 1st anniversary of Whitney's death - Cissy Houston says she believes Whitney's life may have turned out differently if she'd never met Brown. She went further to say, "I do believe her life would have turned out differently," Cissy Houston continues, "It would have been easier for her to get sober and stay sober. Instead she was with someone who, like her...To me, he never seemed to be a help to her in the way she needed." Cissy Houston blames Brown for the rampant drug use that sent Whitney's career spiralling downward.

Unlike my mum, Cissy Houston couldn't make a decision for Whitney, and this is where we typically find ourselves today, entering relationships that ultimately destroy us.
Hear Senora Roy, "A fake friend can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy."
My advice? Steer clear.

Identifying Toxic Friendships

 Wisdom Nugget: "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go"
Why? First because they will make your life miserable & secondly because very soon you will start behaving like them because "evil communications corrupt good manners."

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"A friendship is between two peers," says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends. "There has to be balance in a friendship for it to be healthy; not one person whose needs get met and another whose needs are overlooked."

Friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children, health, and even our retirement. "Friendships are important everywhere, and they have positive things to contribute to all areas of your life," says Isaacs. "But that means they can also be toxic in any of these areas as well. A toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal. "Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back,"

You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is constantly mean and abusive.

Below are some signs to identify a toxic friendship.
(1) They always have to be the facilitator when friends get together/interact as a group. If they find out you and another friend have been talking or hanging out, they get angry.
(2) They have to be the first to know everything - and tell everything. God forbid you should tell another friend something first because she happened to call you first!
(3) They have rules to your friendship. When your friend tells you that if she stops being friends with someone, you can't be friends with them either, there's a problem.
(4) They always want to make sure no one looks like a better friend than them.
(5) They are negative about everything! The can always offer up a "but" or reasons why not. If you run a new idea or good news past them, they rain all over your parade. They are critical of everything: from your personal style to your life decisions.
Everything is a constant game of one-upmanship. A little healthy competition between friends is good but if your friend is constantly bragging or "putting on airs" and has to always beat you or be better than you - even to the point of making things up - they've crossed the line of healthy.
(6) You find yourself always spilling your guts to them but their personal life is "Fort Knox". This is a power play. They have all the dirt on you and you're left vulnerable.
(7) They talk bad about all of your mutual friends behind their backs and tell all of their personal business. More than likely, they're doing the same thing to you.
They manipulate people and situations. They lie, they cheat, and they always try to get over. As you watch them scheme and connive, it doesn't occur to you that you've been on the receiving end of this many times- but trust me, you have.
(8) The communication is one-sided (you always call, email, text) and you only hear from them when they want or need something. They always expect you to consider their feelings and think of them first and foremost but they definitely don't do the same.
(9) They replicate behaviors, attributes or other fragments of other people (introjection*). For example, whenever you tell a friend of yours about a new restaurant or great happy hour you tried, she would tell her other friend that SHE went to the restaurant or happy hour. The friend lived in another state so how would she know? Instead of actually going out and getting her own interesting life, she just replicated yours.
(10) They deny their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then ascribe them to others (projection*). Have you ever heard your friend describe the negative traits of another person and the whole time you're marvelling at the irony because your friend does the very things she's complaining about?

(To be continued)

Good Friendships Are Priceless; More Precious Than Gold

Wisdom Nugget: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

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A friend is someone you can call when you mess up and trust that they won't judge you but will give their advice. A friend is someone who remembers that you don't like Onions in your salad. A friend is someone who goes to a boring place with you but makes it all fun. A friend is priceless! Friendship is wonderful but I must add - it is not easy. It requires a whole lot of work.  It requires putting someone first sometimes, it's all about inconvenience most times, it's a risky business. But it is definitely worth it!

A friend is not someone you can buy. Anyone who's in your life because of what they gain from you is not a friend but a leech. A friend enjoys with you when there's money and suffers with you when there's no money. Friends are not people we should joke with; in these times that economy is hitting everyone hard, natural disasters lurking everywhere, wars on the verge of breaking, people are really becoming more and more selfish so if you have a friend who still thinks about you and is still there for you then you should count yourself lucky. Don't play with their feelings; you do not know how many people out there who wished they had that friend you have.

Berlin -- Jesse Owens was sure he would win the long jump at the 1936 Olympic games. The previous year (1935) he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German practicing jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was aware of the German's desire to prove superiority especially over blacks. The German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!" he said to Owens. For the next few moments; the black and the German chatted. Then Luz Long made a suggestion, he said to Owens "since the qualifying distance is only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the take-off board and jump from there, just to play it safe?" Owens did as Long suggested and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long as he was killed in World War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long."

Can you truly say that about any of your friendships and mean it? Is there any friendship you value more than all your wealth put together? Most people will readily do away with friends in the stead of money. Friendship is priceless you can't buy it. Old Fredrick learnt the hard way. He made no friends through his life, all he was concerned about was building his wealth. Alone on his dying bed, he asked the nurse to contract people to cry at his funeral and the nurse replied "all the tears they shed wouldn't change the fact that you died alone with a nurse who sat by you only out of compulsion." You will not realize how priceless a friend is until you're on your death bed alone like old Fredrick. It was too late for him though but it isn't for you. You can still make friends now. Linda Grayson said "there is nothing better than a friend."

As friends, we're gifts to our friends, given to them for a purpose-to make their lives better. Are you fulfilling that purpose in your relationship with your friends? Will your friends miss your absence: are they feeling your help in times of their needs, or are they grieving  at your presence?

Friendships Require Patience and Perseverance

..."P" is for Patience.
Wisdom Nugget: s iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

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Friends are not two perfect people coming together but two imperfect people with flaws, dysfunctions, different idiosyncrasies, shortcomings and excesses coming together because they sense they have something in common to fulfil a common destiny.

William Penn puts it succinctly, "A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." Albert Schweitzer added "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
Here are two keys to friendship:
First, only two pieces of iron can become friends: one piece of plastic and one piece of iron cannot, Why? Because they cannot feel this magnetic pull towards each other. So before you settle for a friend, ask yourself, can I feel that magnetic pull?

Secondly, Friendship is for sharpening. While it is true that you do not become friends with people for the sole purpose of fixing them, yet we will all attest to the fact that some of the positive changes in our character today was due to the influence of one good friend. They do not come with a hammer and filing machine to say "Boy, I need to sharpen or fix you !". But their love, conduct and lifestyle just begins to sharpen you. Sometimes they may come strong on you because "Open rebuke is better than secret love", but they primarily mould & change you by their love and tact. By the time they are done with you "Every valley would have been filled. Every mountain and hill should be made flat. The crooked roads should be made straight, and the rough ground made smooth." But "sharpening" needs plenty of "Patience" and "Creativity". If you truly care for your friend, you will not be quick to cut them off after you noticed the flaws in them. Rather you feel a sense of duty to help them, realizing that in so many areas, you too need help. Paul puts it aptly when he said, "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into wrong-doing, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived."
When pointing out a mistake by another person, always consider the person's feelings. Milton Berle was dining with his wife, Ruth, in a Hollywood restaurant.  When a waiter put too much pepper on her salad. Mrs. Berle tasted it and said, "Hmm. Needs more salad."

 If you cut off all the friends God brings your way because they have flaws, just remember to see who is judging. Just as others have been patient with you, you also be patient in sharpening others and you will have the joy of seeing a life changed and discover that it was because of your patience and tact.

When Friendship Becomes An Inconvenience

Wisdom Nugget: "There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

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If you have friends, you'd have realized over the years that maintaining some friendships can be inconveniencing. Not for everyone, but for that particular person. Friendship is thinking about somebody else alongside you, sometimes even before yourself. It's all about sacrifice! Going out of your way to put that person's desire into consideration; you'd rather live alone but have to accommodate a stranded friend. When you'd rather spend your time alone but have to visit a friend who's going through stuff. When you'd rather not go on a trip because your friend your friend needs your presence at their party. You don't want to talk on the phone but have to take that call because it's your friend. The "gospel truth" like some would say is that friendship is inconveniencing but it's a pleasant inconvenience - one that gives you a sense of fulfilment afterwards. What is friendship if you are not willing to make sacrifices for others?

Little John was sent to the local store to get some milk for breakfast the one morning. On his way back it started raining "cats and dogs". Because his home was close he decided to make a dash for it, he was almost at his door when from the corner of his eye, he saw a figure; a little boy on the other side of the road. He looked closely and discovered it was his friend Tommy and he was pulling at his leg. He thought of running into his house after all Tommy hadn't seen him but quickly decided against it and ran over to his friend. It turned out that Tommy's feet was stuck in a hole on the side walk. He hadn't seen it because of the flowing water from the downpour. They tugged at his friend's leg until it was freed. Unfortunately, his ankle was sprained and so he had difficulty walking. Little John decided to help him all the way home and Tommy leaned on him. When little john got back home he explained to his mother what had happened. "Why didn't you leave him after you helped him free his leg? He would have hopped all the way home!" John looked at his mother in disbelief "what kind of friend would that make me mum?"

The whole ordeal with Tommy, was it an inconvenience for little Johnny? Yes it was. Did he regret it? Of course not! It was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Even though he was already home, he decided to stay longer in the rain for his friend. If little John had entered his house when he saw his friend, Tommy will never know that Little John had seen him and their "friendship" would have continued as usual. But in truth, would Little John be a good friend? No he wouldn't. Friendship is not just those inconveniences you make for your friends when they're aware they're also those ones you make behind their backs; one they might never learn about. When everyone is against your friend and trash-talking them; do you defend them? Look the other way? Or join in the trashing? When your friend is going through stuff can they count on you to be there for them? When the whole world has gone out can they trust you to come in? please don't be a friend only when it's convenient. Never enter a friendship with the notion that you won't be hurt. because we're all different people with different characters that are bound to clash.

 Hear Bob Nesta Marley, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

Making friends is really a leap of faith!

The Role Of Integrity In Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Walk upright, act right, tell the truth." "Don't hurt your friend, don't blame (backbite) your neighbour; despise the despicable." "Keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, Never take a bribe."

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According to Business Dictionary.com "Integrity is Strict adherence to a moral code, reflected in transparent honesty and complete harmony in what one thinks, says, and does."

Two of the greatest killers of friendship are lies and backbiting.

Consider the role of LIES: If you borrow money from a friend and promise to pay back at a given date but for some reasons beyond your control, couldn't pay back, be honest enough to call him up, explain the current situation and renegotiate a future payment date. If you pretend like nothing is at stake (after all, is he not supposed to be your friend, he should understand) and stop picking his calls, that is the beginning of the end of your friendship. If you keep lying about little things, the day he discovers it is the end of your friendship. Remember what Mark Twain said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Now, look critically at the vice called BACKBITING: The foundation for friendship is "Trust". A true friend is someone you can be vulnerable with and not be afraid. Ralph Waldo Emerson said "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." If therefore I was stupid before you and you made my stupidity the subject of a gossip and whilst pretending to be with me, you back bite me behind, you are a dangerous fellow, not worthy to be called a friend. Someone said "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

Before speaking of any person or sharing stuff about your friend that is controversial THINK! Ask yourself the following questions:

T - Is it true?
H - Is it helpful?
I - Is it inspiring?
N - Is it necessary?
K - Is it kind?

If what you are about to say does not pass those tests, keep your mouth shut!

Once, four preachers met for a friendly gathering. During the conversation one preacher said, "Our people come to us and pour out their hears, confess certain sins and needs. Let's do the same. Confession is good for the soul." In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The second confessed to liking to smoke cigars and the third one confessed to liking to play cards. When it came to the fourth one, he wouldn't confess. The others pressed him saying, "Come now, we confessed ours. What is your secret or vice?" Finally he answered, "It is gossiping and I can hardly wait to get out of here."

Morris Mandel said, "Gossip is the most deadly microbe. It has neither legs nor wings. It is composed entirely of tales, and most of them have stings."

How Inspiring Are Your Friendships?

Wisdom Nugget: "It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."

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The dictionary defines INSPIRE as, "to influence, move, or guide" or  "to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on."

Inspiration is a very vital part of our lives today. If you've lived long enough in life you'd have realized that there are times when you seem not to be certain as to what fork on the road to take; sometimes we feel like just giving up on the journey altogether. It is at points like these that the presence of friends are most needed to influence, or guide us rightly. To enliven or animate our "inanimate-ness" as it were, for our life's steam seem to go out here. Arnold H. Glasow said, "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."

John Newton is best-known as the author of the famous hymn, "Amazing Grace," his life teemed with spiritual fruit. A new biography on his life by Jonathan Aitken gives us a peek into the legacy of the man who said, "I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great Savior." Newton was an author, preacher, and hymn-writer, perhaps his most profound legacy is the fruit of his friendships. Newton was friend to William Cowper. Cowper suffered throughout his life from a terrible depression. But the window of his most productive years opened when he met with Newton. During this time he produced works like, "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood." One biographer noted, "Cowper, throughout [his] life, lacked personal initiative." The encouragement from Newton, however, was enough to spur Cowper to produce some 60 hymns. And when Cowper later sunk into such a depression that he nearly took his own life, it was his friendship with Newton that stopped him. Newton also played a vital role as friend and mentor in the life of William Wilberforce who led the charge to abolish the british slave trade and ultimately slavery itself in England. When Wilberforce came to faith, he turned to Newton for advice. It was Newton who encouraged him not to abandon politics but to use his political skills for good. Newton who encouraged him to take up the cause of abolishing the slave-trade, and it was Newton who encouraged him to persevere when he considered giving up the fight in 1796. Well into his later years, Newton continued to bear fruit in his friendships. He helped bring a young writer by the name of Hannah More to faith. She went on to start the modern Sunday School movement. And he met for breakfast frequently with a young man by the name of William Carey, who would become a missionary to India and a pioneer for the modern mission's movement. Newton would not have considered himself a great saint, but a great sinner used by God. His life reminds us all of the profound impact that deep spiritual friendships can have. And it encourages us. Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

We must live our lives such that we can be great sources of inspiration to those around us who might already be considering "throwing in the towel".

"I" Is For Investment: Friendships Require Investments

Wisdom Nugget: Remember when you "Give to others, and you will receive. You will be given much. It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold. You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way you will be given."

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To invest is to "Devote (one's time, effort, or energy) to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result."

Lesson 1: Friendship costs "time, effort, and energy" and if you are not willing to sacrifice these then you are not ready to build serious friendship. Investment also speaks of money put into a venture for profit. So straightaway lets settle this: friendship is like a bank account: you cannot pull out more than you are willing to invest or pay in. And every time you draw more than you deposit into it, your friendship account goes into red and the relationship suffers.

Lesson 2: Friendship is like a Football Game. Every time your friend scores a goal (of kindness) do not rest until you have equalized. You may not be able to do exactly what they did for you because you are not at the same financial level, but just score a goal nevertheless. It's not the size of the act but the size of the heart that matters. Some friends are like goal keepers, they never score any goals (of kindness), they only catch the balls (of kindness) played by others and anytime you stay only at the receiving end of any relationship, soon the other party becomes weary of giving all the time and begins to look for a way out. If I may ask, "what is the latest score between you and your friends lately?" If all you have been doing is conceding goals then its time to equalize. Don't be a looser !
Lesson 3: Every investment must have a "Worthwhile Result" or "Profit." One of the wisdom of life says "In all labour ,there is profit", and that profit must not be money only. It could be mentorship, character, manners, wisdom, encouragement, knowledge etc. but Profit you must get. Any friendship that adds nothing to you is killing you slowly.

However before you look for the profit in the relationship ask yourself, "how much have I invested in it?"

Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a beautiful kingdom. He was happy and so were his people. They worked together to improve the kingdom and brought the king many gifts. The king, in turn, was generous to his people. People all over the world heard of this kingdom and came to visit. They admired the beautiful kingdom and they marvelled at how happy everyone seemed to be. The kingdom grew and prospered. But then something happened. The king grew selfish and wanted more and more. He grew self-indulgent and demanded that the people bring him more and more food and more and more of the good things of life. The king's selfishness made him rich and fat, but the people became poor and miserable. One by one the people left the kingdom, and the kingdom that had been so beautiful and so happy began to fall apart. The king found himself alone in his castle, surrounded by mountains of food and all of the luxuries of life, but outside the kingdom had crumbled and the people had all slipped away. The king who had it all became selfish and wanted to keep it all, but he ended up losing it all.

"H" Is For Honesty: Friendships Thrive On Honesty

Wisdom nugget: "An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy."

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Honesty is important in friendships; it is the key foundation in trust, and trust should be present in friendship. Sadly, it has become increasingly difficult to trust people because they lack honesty. People have been lied to and swindled so much that everyone is being regarded with suspicion (we take people's words with a pinch of salt).


Hansel lived with her two elder sisters; Brenda and Chloe. They never married so they had lived together for a very long time. One evening Hansel was in the kitchen preparing dinner. She called out to her sisters who were in the living room. "The phone is ringing. Can someone pick it up". Her sisters answered simultaneously "okay". But the phone kept ringing. Hansel wiped her hands on her apron and went to pick up the phone. She looked in on her sisters and found Brenda knitting and Chloe reading a book. She returned to the kitchen and after a while called out again. "There's someone at the front door." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously. After a while the knock continued and Hansel went to answer the door; it was the milk man. Hansel checked in on her sisters again and found that they hadn't moved from their positions. She stood at the door and yelled "OMG the kitchen is on fire." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously each not moving. Hansel matched into the living room, hands akimbo "why do you two never respond to anything I say." "Okay" the two sisters respond simultaneously not looking up. "I asked a question" Hansel cried in frustration. They both looked at her. "Why do you not respond to anything I say?" Hansel repeated and Brenda replied "oh come on honey. I stopped listening to you in 1987."  "when you told us you saw an alien in our front lawn and I almost fell to my death running" Chloe squints "or was it in 1985 when you woke me and told me Brenda was lying dead in her room" "no, no it was in 1982 when she woke me up and told me the house was on fire and I fell down the stairs trying to get away." "We're done listening to you honey, I'm in a wheel chair and Brenda limps because we believed you one too many times"


Have you become like Hansel that everyone no longer listens to? Have you become the kind of person that when they're talking everybody just nods even though they're not listening? People are now so used to your dishonesty that your words no longer hold meaning? But I wonder, if you are not truthful to your friend who then will you be truthful to? It is important that you tell your friends the truth no matter how painfull it is. If they have an ugly character it is your obligation as a friend to be honest with them and spell out the truth. But please don't do it by putting them down. Choose your time, place and words well and talk to them. When you're down be honest and tell your friends so that they can help you by being there for you. When they displease you, let them know. How else will they repent from it?


Someone once said "A friendship with no honesty is like food without salt. tasteless!" an unknown quote put it this way "A friendship that lacks honesty is not friendship, it's just a façade."

"D" Is For Daring: Do You Find Friendships Daunting?

Wisdom Nugget: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
                                                                    - Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934.

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Many people do not have friends for the singular reason that they have been hurt too many times. So they decide to stay on their own to avoid being hurt again. As much as I relate with that, I do not think that isolating yourself is a path to a successful life. What can one achieve without a helping hand really? Even if you do achieve it alone, you would die a very lonely person. That's why I say that friendship is indeed a daunting venture. It's a courageous move!

When we make friends we really do not know everything about them, we probably just identified a quality in them and decided to call them friends. But you have not seen every side of them, you do not know if they will stand by you when you're down, you do not know if they'll lend a helping hand when you need one, you do not know if they'll push you on your way to success or down to your failure, you do not know for sure what they're capable of. You just call them 'friend' based on a speculation! Friends have to prove themselves, until they do, it's all a gamble which you should take anyway. Take it, go out there and find a friend. Don't die in loneliness because a joker came into your life, trampled on you and walked away.

Old Sam used to meet with his friend on Thursday afternoons at a café an hour away from his home. They met to play chess games and talk about old times. For six Thursdays consecutively his friend wouldn't show up and every time Sam ran into him he would give an excuse; a new one every time. And the next Thursday Old Sam will walk to the café to wait for his dear old friend who would never show. Sam's wife tried to convince him that his friend had moved on, he was apparently tired of these meetings or had probably made a new friend. But old Sam would always go back despite his wife's attempt to get him to stop. One Thursday after waiting for over one hour, he picked up his coat and decided to leave. An old man walked up to him and said, "this lady must be very important to you. Every Thursday you wait for her and every Thursday she never shows." Old Sam smiled sadly and explained that whom he waited for was no lady but an old friend whom he used to play chess with. "Aha!" He loved to play chess too the old man bellowed. He continued to explain that he always played alone. Old Sam asked why he had never seen him there at the café and the man replied "because you're always too busy looking at your watch and out the window." Old Sam smiled sadly. Would he like to play chess? The man asked. But Sam declined explaining that he had a long walk home and had to set out early. Would Sam meet him next Thursday for a chess game? "Of course" old Sam replied and headed home. Sam told his wife what had happened. His wife asked him if he would go and Sam replied "but of course!" "How do you know he won't stand you up like your old friend has been doing?" his wife asked and Sam replied "I don't know. It's a risk I'm willing to take"

Old Sam is more than willing to risk being stood up again. Do you know why? That's how friendship is cultivated. It's all risk and risk and risk until you begin to trust them. Even after trusting, some friends might still hurt you. Do you then decide to stop having friends? No! It's all a dare! Take it!

There are so many things that you could be, you could learn through a friend you've never met. Don't give up that opportunity simply because you're too afraid to take the dare of developing friendship.
Lasting friendship can occur suddenly like in our nugget. You can never tell where or how you'll meet a friend. Just open your heart to it.

On Building Enduring Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!"

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These days a lot of young people walk away from friendships and when you ask them why they tell you "some people are just meant to pass through your life". Much as I may agree with this in part. I'm also of the opinion that friends shouldn't get so far apart that they cannot say a word of greeting when they bump into each other. Friendship is enduring, it's lasting, it's not something that you should totally cut off except the person has become a bad influence to you or others around you, otherwise, when you shut the door to a friendship please always keep a window open for you don't know when you might need to use that window. That "some people are just meant to pass through" message does not mean that you should go out there and make enemies. It simply means you should cut down on your level of intimacy; it is not a license to start off world war III! Never forget this "The friendship that can cease has never been real." - Saint Jerome

Now that I've gotten that first point out of the way, let's talk about people you're still friends with. Why are you eager to do away with a friend over an offence? I get that some friends can be so annoying. Some can drive you to the wall till you want to scream. But before you decide to end it ask yourself if they've always been like that or was it a onetime offence? Have you never wronged them? Did they not forgive you? Are they perfect? Can they not go wrong? If you quit a friendship today, who's to say another will never offend you tomorrow ? Be patient with your friend. Endure a while before you make that final decision. Be sure you have run out of options. Don't be a quitter. People will begin to wonder at your credibility if you have a different set of friends every new month. Learn to endure your friends' shortcomings for no man, not even you, is really perfect.

Mike went hiking with a large group of friends. He was ahead of everyone and was enjoying himself until unfortunately his shoes began to hurt. He got overly annoyed with this development; he didn't want to lose his position but the pain caused by his shoe was drawing him backwards so he decided to lose the shoes. His backpack was packed full and he carried a water flask so there was no carrying the shoe on his hands. He finally made up his mind to leave the shoes by a rock and continued on bare feet.

After a while, the sun got really hot and so did the rocks beneath Mike's feet. It got to a point it became so unbearable that he made the tough decision of going back for the shoes, he ran all the way back bumping into his troop as he ran. He got to the rock but didn't find his shoes. He caught up with his troop and asked for who had seen his shoes but nobody had seen it. He felt miserable and had the worst hiking ever as his feet burnt so much that he spent the next few weeks lying in the hospital.
So your friend gives you pain like Mike's shoes, is that a good reason to leave him/her by the rock? The day you need them you might return to find that they're no longer available. Learn to put up with friends even when they give you a crazy pain on your feet. Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!" don't be sour, laugh with your friends, cry with them, suffer with them. Endure. show yourself friendly, that'll make you a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

"E" Is For Encouragement: Friendship Is Encouragement

Wisdom Nugget: "Correction does much, but encouragement does more." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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In the Greek, the word "encourage" means "to call to one's side, to comfort, to console, to strengthen." To encourage is to inspire another with courage. Words of encouragement have a way of working as a panacea for someone hurting, depressed or going through pain. The way it feels if one takes a pain reliever when he/she has a headache or feels pain in any part of the body and after a while, relief from the pain comes is the same way FRIENDSHIP should make us feel. It may seem irrelevant  at the time but a while later, the effect is felt. It may just be the solution to a dying soul.

Encouragement is crucial to edify and nurture others because life can be discouraging at times. So are you a source of encouragement to your friends, family, spouse, children, colleagues etc?

William Arthur Ward said, "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." Encouragement acknowledges the fears that people have as real, and emboldens them despite those fears. A single word of encouragement can illuminate one's life.

During a practice session for the Green Bay Packers, things were not going well for Vince Lombardi's team. Lombardi singled out one big guard for his failure to "put out". It was a hot, muggy day when the coach called his guard aside and levelled his awesome vocal guns on him, as only Lombardi could. "Son, you are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. As a matter of fact, it's all over for you today, go take a shower." The big guard dropped his head and walked into the dressing room. 45 minutes later, when Lombardi walked in, he saw the big guard sitting in front of his locker still wearing his uniform. His head was bowed and he was sobbing quietly. Vince, ever the changeable but always the compassionate warrior, did something of an about face that was also typical of him. He walked over to his football player and put his arms around his shoulder. "Son," he said, "I told you the truth. You are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. However, in all fairness to you, I should have finished the story. Inside of you, son, there is a great football player, and I'm going to stick by your side until the great football player inside of you has a chance to come out and assert himself." With these words, Jerry Kramer straightened up and felt a great deal better. As a matter of fact, he felt so much better he went on to become one of the all-time greats in football and was recently voted the all-time guard in the first 50 years of professional football.

It's okay to correct and point out errors to people; but, it will amaze you how just one act of encouragement can change one's life  for good. Jerry would have become so depressed at what his coach said to him, his sense of confidence could have been shattered and he may have gone on to committing suicide. He must have felt worthless. The things we say or do to our friends, can spur them on to greatness, fulfill destiny or make them give up altogether.We must see the essence of encouraging even the smallest efforts. It could be a smile, a hug,  a note, or even a pat on the back or just saying well done! Encourage someone today. Let your action take the noose off someone's neck.

Wisdom Nugget: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,...but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

"I" Is For Influence: Your Friends Influence You

Wisdom Nugget: "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

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"The first time you say something, it's heard. The second time, it's recognized, and the third time it's learned" - John C. Maxwell

Influence is the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. Someone said once that, "your life will be a sum total of the books you read and the friends you keep."

In any relationship you experience either of the following:
(a) CORRUPTION: "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners, and  "...a companion of fools shall be destroyed."  Or,
(b)  PROMOTION: "He that walks with wise men shall be wise."

If you do not desire the influence someone will bring into your life, then do not make them your friend because, like it or not, FRIENDSHIP IS INFLUENCE. Have you noticed how an individual enters a new neighborhood and after sometime he begins to speak with their accent? That is called "Influence". As long as you fraternize with people, you must gradually begin to dress like them, talk like them, behave like them, and think like him.

As a young boy I grew up in a  poor neighborhood in Warri. Violence, crime and drugs were a very common sight. It was therefore only natural for me to very early in life find myself lost in alcohol and smoking. I knew it was a very dangerous path to follow in life, but it was my reality and I did not know any better. I particularly wondered then why people loved smoking. That stuff was so bitter in my mouth that each time I smoked it was horrible. But I needed to belong and all my friends smoked so who am I to change the rules? How would I flow with my guys if I didn't do what they did? It took a lot for me to be delivered from that gory past.

It was John C. Maxwell that said, "We choose what attitudes we have right now. And it's a continuing choice." It's a choice to influence or be influenced by other peoples attitudes. Every single character we display today are as a result of our interaction at different points in our lives with the so many people we have come across; our parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers etc.

What kind of influence do you want to have on your friends, CORRUPTION or PROMOTION? Understand first that you can only give what you have. So, it behoves on us to conciously and deliberately decide to influence people positively...There are no accidental successes, decide TODAY!

Let some someone be able to make references years after you've parted ways and testify how their lives improved after they met you.

A Friend Knows All, And Loves You Still

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

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Using F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P as an acronym in the next couple of days let me share with you on the Laws of friendship.

F= FOCUS: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN GIVE TO THE FRIENDSHIP, NOT ON WHAT THE FRIENDSHIP CAN GIVE TO YOU. The first law of love is GIVE, not TAKE.

As humans we are all naturally selfish. We all need someone to love us, care for us, encourage us and fight for us. And quite honestly there is nothing wrong with desiring all these, except that, imagine that both you and your friend came into the relationship to TAKE all these and more from the other. Naturally, you will soon be tearing at each other's throat demanding for your own portion of love, care etc. But imagine that you both came to GIVE all that and more. Soon there will be abundance of love, care etc. and because both of you are trying to out give the other, the relationship is constantly enriched and overflowing in love, care etc. The truth, however, is that like life itself, (where to live, you must GIVE OUT carbon dioxide and TAKE IN oxygen) so in friendship we must both give and RECEIVE (not DEMAND) whilst we FOCUS on our  primary responsibility on what we BRING  to the table. To enter a relationship with the goal to TAKE is the almighty formula for disappointments, heart breaks and self pity. You are hanging your joy on a man like you and the arms of flesh will fail you.

Jackie Robinson was the first black to play major league baseball. Breaking baseball's colour barrier, he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then, shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career. The gesture spoke more eloquently than the words: This man is my friend.

As Elbert Hubbard puts it, "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." And Albert Camus adds, "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

Why Some Have No Friends

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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A British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following:
"One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable."
"One who understands our silence."
"A volume of sympathy bound in cloth."
"A watch that beats true for all time and never runs down."

The winning definition read: "A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out."
Looking at the above definitions I am sure you already have an idea why some people don't have friends. Our text says "A man that has friends must show himself friendly..."

Friendship is like a mirror, it reflects back to you what you give to it. Before you accuse others of not being friendly, are you friendly yourself? If you notice your neighbours have not been greeting you lately, ask yourself, "Have I been greeting them lately ?"

 If because of your problems, your face always looks like the Book of Lamentations then you will hope for friends for a long time.
During his days as President, Thomas Jefferson and a group of companions were traveling across the country on horseback. They came to a river which had overflowed its banks because of a recent downpour. The swollen river had washed the bridge away. Each rider was forced to ford the river on horseback, fighting for his life against the rapid currents. The very real possibility of death threatened each rider, which caused a traveler who was not part of their group to step aside and watch. After several had plunged in and made it to the other side, the stranger asked President Jefferson if he would ferry him across the river. The president agreed without hesitation. The man climbed on, and shortly thereafter the two of them made it safely to the other side. As the stranger slid off the back of the saddle onto dry ground, one in the group asked him, "Tell me, why did you select the president to ask this favor of?" The man was shocked, admitting he had no idea it was the president who had helped him. "All I know," he said, "Is that on some of your faces was written the answer 'No,' and on some of them was the answer 'yes.' His was a 'Yes' face."

Please get friendly with someone; we all need somebody. There is no need practicing "ALONENESS" today. There will be plenty of time for that when one day we are finally trapped in our own little coffin, 6 feet below the earth. Lets enjoy the gift of friendship whilst we can.

 Remember "Friends are like good health; you don't realize what a gift they are until you lose them."

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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One of the greatest gifts given to mankind is, The Gift of Friends. We are all products of relationships and as the popular sage goes, "No man is an Island". You cannot be friends with everybody but you must be a friend to somebody. 

Rodney Dangerfield wrote: "Once I told my old man, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't say that - everybody hasn't met you yet."

Leonard Syme, a professor of epidemiology at the University of California at Berkeley, indicates the importance of social ties and social support systems in relationship to mortality and disease rates. He points to Japan as being number one in the world with respect to health and then discusses the close social, cultural, and traditional ties in that country as the reason. He believes that the more social ties, the better the health and the lower the death rate. Conversely, he indicates that the more isolated the person, the poorer the health and the higher the chances of dying. Social ties are good preventative medicines for physical problems and for mental-emotional-behavior problems.

Who therefore is a friend? Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you. Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With them you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities, and in opening them up to friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. They understand. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse them, neglect them, tolerate them. Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all - and underneath - they see, know, and love you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself. (C. Raymond Beran, in Bits & Pieces, September 19, 1991, p. 3-4.)

George Eliot said "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Friendship is reciprocal and you will find a true friend more useful to you in life than your biological brother.

Two men were out hunting in Northern U.S.A. Suddenly one yelled and the other looked up to see a grizzly charging at  them. The first started to frantically put on his tennis shoes and his friend anxiously asked, "What are you doing? Don't you know you can't outrun a grizzly bear?" "I don't have to outrun a grizzly bear. I just have to outrun you".

HANDLING REJECTION II

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Wisdom Nugget: "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."



It was Sylvester Stallone of the "Rambo" fame who said, "I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat." And Louise Nevelson added, "I think all great innovations are built on rejections." It's amazing how people take rejection when it hits them; some respond with outstanding mind blowing results, while yet others react with devastating consequences. Different strokes for different folks, you might say.

Freddy was a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.  "Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I have a favour to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me. "Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him." "There's something you should know," Freddy continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us." "I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live." "No, I want him to live with us." "Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such disabilities would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."At that point, Freddy hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Freddy had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg

Freddy's parents are like many of us today we find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we expect. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

We can either be victims of, or victors over rejection.

FRIENDS DO NOT (ONLY) LAST A LIFE TIME

Wisdom Nugget: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother

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Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?

In the few years I have lived, I have seen quite a great deal of unbelievable conduct between supposed friends which is why I strongly hold the view that most FRIENDS DO NOT LAST A LIFE TIME

(1) Ebi just lost the father and soon after the burial she needed badly to pay her school fees and felt the best person to talk to would be the Dad's former best friend. To her utter shock, he demands for sex as a pre-condition for any financial assistance.
(2) Mr Tony and his best friend Tijani who were business partners were at the verge of closing a major deal that would fetch them hundreds of millions, when suddenly Tijani got involved in a ghastly accident on his way to one of the project sites. He died  a few days later and a month after his burial the project is completed and money paid to their company account. The widow of late Mr Tijani got wind that payment had just been made for the job which took her husband's life. She phoned Mr Tony, but he refused to answer her calls.She eventually tracked him down to the office and he lied to her that no payment was ever made. Two years later, she received a pittance from Mr Tony; upposedly her husband's share of the contract money. He said he didn't have to give her anything and wass in fact doing her a Favour.
(3) A heated argument broke out between the driver and this pretty young woman. She would not pay any fare for her young son because she did not have such money. She would rather carry him on her laps. Then she added "After all, since his father died, they haven't given me nothing !" At that point I became curious and wanted to know more. I offered to pay for her son so she could tell me. Her husband had died in war as an Ecomog Peace keeping soldier in Liberia. And when she demanded for his gratuities, her husband's former boss insisted on sleeping with her first. When she refused, the money was finally paid to her father-in-law who refused to give her or any of her kids a dime. Only her first son was in school, courtesy of some kind soldiers in the barracks who had contributed into a purse to help him for he was very bright.


David and Jonathan entered into a covenant of friendship. Many years later both Jonathan and his father Saul were dead and forgotten, but not by David. David woke up one morning, according to our text, and began to look for just any survivors of Saul's family so he could show them kindness, not for their sake but " for Jonathan's sake!" Because David believed that true friendship lasts beyond one's life time; it endures for all time. David discovered Mephibosheth,  restored back to him every property, investment and servant belonging to his late father, and all the benefits due a king's son.

Look for family members of your late covenant (bosom or close friend)  who are in "Lode-bar" (distress and despair) and show them kindness "for your late friend's sake" because friends are not only for life but much more in death. The bad news is we will all die one day and the seeds we sow for others today, (good, bad or ugly) our families shall reap them "good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over."

As the wise saying goes, whatever goes around, comes around. Friends are not for life only but for all time ! Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

And "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted"-Aesop.