Identifying Toxic Friendships

 Wisdom Nugget: "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go"
Why? First because they will make your life miserable & secondly because very soon you will start behaving like them because "evil communications corrupt good manners."

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"A friendship is between two peers," says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends. "There has to be balance in a friendship for it to be healthy; not one person whose needs get met and another whose needs are overlooked."

Friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children, health, and even our retirement. "Friendships are important everywhere, and they have positive things to contribute to all areas of your life," says Isaacs. "But that means they can also be toxic in any of these areas as well. A toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal. "Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back,"

You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is constantly mean and abusive.

Below are some signs to identify a toxic friendship.
(1) They always have to be the facilitator when friends get together/interact as a group. If they find out you and another friend have been talking or hanging out, they get angry.
(2) They have to be the first to know everything - and tell everything. God forbid you should tell another friend something first because she happened to call you first!
(3) They have rules to your friendship. When your friend tells you that if she stops being friends with someone, you can't be friends with them either, there's a problem.
(4) They always want to make sure no one looks like a better friend than them.
(5) They are negative about everything! The can always offer up a "but" or reasons why not. If you run a new idea or good news past them, they rain all over your parade. They are critical of everything: from your personal style to your life decisions.
Everything is a constant game of one-upmanship. A little healthy competition between friends is good but if your friend is constantly bragging or "putting on airs" and has to always beat you or be better than you - even to the point of making things up - they've crossed the line of healthy.
(6) You find yourself always spilling your guts to them but their personal life is "Fort Knox". This is a power play. They have all the dirt on you and you're left vulnerable.
(7) They talk bad about all of your mutual friends behind their backs and tell all of their personal business. More than likely, they're doing the same thing to you.
They manipulate people and situations. They lie, they cheat, and they always try to get over. As you watch them scheme and connive, it doesn't occur to you that you've been on the receiving end of this many times- but trust me, you have.
(8) The communication is one-sided (you always call, email, text) and you only hear from them when they want or need something. They always expect you to consider their feelings and think of them first and foremost but they definitely don't do the same.
(9) They replicate behaviors, attributes or other fragments of other people (introjection*). For example, whenever you tell a friend of yours about a new restaurant or great happy hour you tried, she would tell her other friend that SHE went to the restaurant or happy hour. The friend lived in another state so how would she know? Instead of actually going out and getting her own interesting life, she just replicated yours.
(10) They deny their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, and then ascribe them to others (projection*). Have you ever heard your friend describe the negative traits of another person and the whole time you're marvelling at the irony because your friend does the very things she's complaining about?

(To be continued)

Good Friendships Are Priceless; More Precious Than Gold

Wisdom Nugget: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

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A friend is someone you can call when you mess up and trust that they won't judge you but will give their advice. A friend is someone who remembers that you don't like Onions in your salad. A friend is someone who goes to a boring place with you but makes it all fun. A friend is priceless! Friendship is wonderful but I must add - it is not easy. It requires a whole lot of work.  It requires putting someone first sometimes, it's all about inconvenience most times, it's a risky business. But it is definitely worth it!

A friend is not someone you can buy. Anyone who's in your life because of what they gain from you is not a friend but a leech. A friend enjoys with you when there's money and suffers with you when there's no money. Friends are not people we should joke with; in these times that economy is hitting everyone hard, natural disasters lurking everywhere, wars on the verge of breaking, people are really becoming more and more selfish so if you have a friend who still thinks about you and is still there for you then you should count yourself lucky. Don't play with their feelings; you do not know how many people out there who wished they had that friend you have.

Berlin -- Jesse Owens was sure he would win the long jump at the 1936 Olympic games. The previous year (1935) he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German practicing jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was aware of the German's desire to prove superiority especially over blacks. The German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!" he said to Owens. For the next few moments; the black and the German chatted. Then Luz Long made a suggestion, he said to Owens "since the qualifying distance is only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the take-off board and jump from there, just to play it safe?" Owens did as Long suggested and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long as he was killed in World War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long."

Can you truly say that about any of your friendships and mean it? Is there any friendship you value more than all your wealth put together? Most people will readily do away with friends in the stead of money. Friendship is priceless you can't buy it. Old Fredrick learnt the hard way. He made no friends through his life, all he was concerned about was building his wealth. Alone on his dying bed, he asked the nurse to contract people to cry at his funeral and the nurse replied "all the tears they shed wouldn't change the fact that you died alone with a nurse who sat by you only out of compulsion." You will not realize how priceless a friend is until you're on your death bed alone like old Fredrick. It was too late for him though but it isn't for you. You can still make friends now. Linda Grayson said "there is nothing better than a friend."

As friends, we're gifts to our friends, given to them for a purpose-to make their lives better. Are you fulfilling that purpose in your relationship with your friends? Will your friends miss your absence: are they feeling your help in times of their needs, or are they grieving  at your presence?

Friendships Require Patience and Perseverance

..."P" is for Patience.
Wisdom Nugget: s iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

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Friends are not two perfect people coming together but two imperfect people with flaws, dysfunctions, different idiosyncrasies, shortcomings and excesses coming together because they sense they have something in common to fulfil a common destiny.

William Penn puts it succinctly, "A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." Albert Schweitzer added "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
Here are two keys to friendship:
First, only two pieces of iron can become friends: one piece of plastic and one piece of iron cannot, Why? Because they cannot feel this magnetic pull towards each other. So before you settle for a friend, ask yourself, can I feel that magnetic pull?

Secondly, Friendship is for sharpening. While it is true that you do not become friends with people for the sole purpose of fixing them, yet we will all attest to the fact that some of the positive changes in our character today was due to the influence of one good friend. They do not come with a hammer and filing machine to say "Boy, I need to sharpen or fix you !". But their love, conduct and lifestyle just begins to sharpen you. Sometimes they may come strong on you because "Open rebuke is better than secret love", but they primarily mould & change you by their love and tact. By the time they are done with you "Every valley would have been filled. Every mountain and hill should be made flat. The crooked roads should be made straight, and the rough ground made smooth." But "sharpening" needs plenty of "Patience" and "Creativity". If you truly care for your friend, you will not be quick to cut them off after you noticed the flaws in them. Rather you feel a sense of duty to help them, realizing that in so many areas, you too need help. Paul puts it aptly when he said, "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into wrong-doing, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived."
When pointing out a mistake by another person, always consider the person's feelings. Milton Berle was dining with his wife, Ruth, in a Hollywood restaurant.  When a waiter put too much pepper on her salad. Mrs. Berle tasted it and said, "Hmm. Needs more salad."

 If you cut off all the friends God brings your way because they have flaws, just remember to see who is judging. Just as others have been patient with you, you also be patient in sharpening others and you will have the joy of seeing a life changed and discover that it was because of your patience and tact.

When Friendship Becomes An Inconvenience

Wisdom Nugget: "There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

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If you have friends, you'd have realized over the years that maintaining some friendships can be inconveniencing. Not for everyone, but for that particular person. Friendship is thinking about somebody else alongside you, sometimes even before yourself. It's all about sacrifice! Going out of your way to put that person's desire into consideration; you'd rather live alone but have to accommodate a stranded friend. When you'd rather spend your time alone but have to visit a friend who's going through stuff. When you'd rather not go on a trip because your friend your friend needs your presence at their party. You don't want to talk on the phone but have to take that call because it's your friend. The "gospel truth" like some would say is that friendship is inconveniencing but it's a pleasant inconvenience - one that gives you a sense of fulfilment afterwards. What is friendship if you are not willing to make sacrifices for others?

Little John was sent to the local store to get some milk for breakfast the one morning. On his way back it started raining "cats and dogs". Because his home was close he decided to make a dash for it, he was almost at his door when from the corner of his eye, he saw a figure; a little boy on the other side of the road. He looked closely and discovered it was his friend Tommy and he was pulling at his leg. He thought of running into his house after all Tommy hadn't seen him but quickly decided against it and ran over to his friend. It turned out that Tommy's feet was stuck in a hole on the side walk. He hadn't seen it because of the flowing water from the downpour. They tugged at his friend's leg until it was freed. Unfortunately, his ankle was sprained and so he had difficulty walking. Little John decided to help him all the way home and Tommy leaned on him. When little john got back home he explained to his mother what had happened. "Why didn't you leave him after you helped him free his leg? He would have hopped all the way home!" John looked at his mother in disbelief "what kind of friend would that make me mum?"

The whole ordeal with Tommy, was it an inconvenience for little Johnny? Yes it was. Did he regret it? Of course not! It was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Even though he was already home, he decided to stay longer in the rain for his friend. If little John had entered his house when he saw his friend, Tommy will never know that Little John had seen him and their "friendship" would have continued as usual. But in truth, would Little John be a good friend? No he wouldn't. Friendship is not just those inconveniences you make for your friends when they're aware they're also those ones you make behind their backs; one they might never learn about. When everyone is against your friend and trash-talking them; do you defend them? Look the other way? Or join in the trashing? When your friend is going through stuff can they count on you to be there for them? When the whole world has gone out can they trust you to come in? please don't be a friend only when it's convenient. Never enter a friendship with the notion that you won't be hurt. because we're all different people with different characters that are bound to clash.

 Hear Bob Nesta Marley, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

Making friends is really a leap of faith!

The Role Of Integrity In Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Walk upright, act right, tell the truth." "Don't hurt your friend, don't blame (backbite) your neighbour; despise the despicable." "Keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, Never take a bribe."

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According to Business Dictionary.com "Integrity is Strict adherence to a moral code, reflected in transparent honesty and complete harmony in what one thinks, says, and does."

Two of the greatest killers of friendship are lies and backbiting.

Consider the role of LIES: If you borrow money from a friend and promise to pay back at a given date but for some reasons beyond your control, couldn't pay back, be honest enough to call him up, explain the current situation and renegotiate a future payment date. If you pretend like nothing is at stake (after all, is he not supposed to be your friend, he should understand) and stop picking his calls, that is the beginning of the end of your friendship. If you keep lying about little things, the day he discovers it is the end of your friendship. Remember what Mark Twain said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Now, look critically at the vice called BACKBITING: The foundation for friendship is "Trust". A true friend is someone you can be vulnerable with and not be afraid. Ralph Waldo Emerson said "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." If therefore I was stupid before you and you made my stupidity the subject of a gossip and whilst pretending to be with me, you back bite me behind, you are a dangerous fellow, not worthy to be called a friend. Someone said "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

Before speaking of any person or sharing stuff about your friend that is controversial THINK! Ask yourself the following questions:

T - Is it true?
H - Is it helpful?
I - Is it inspiring?
N - Is it necessary?
K - Is it kind?

If what you are about to say does not pass those tests, keep your mouth shut!

Once, four preachers met for a friendly gathering. During the conversation one preacher said, "Our people come to us and pour out their hears, confess certain sins and needs. Let's do the same. Confession is good for the soul." In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The second confessed to liking to smoke cigars and the third one confessed to liking to play cards. When it came to the fourth one, he wouldn't confess. The others pressed him saying, "Come now, we confessed ours. What is your secret or vice?" Finally he answered, "It is gossiping and I can hardly wait to get out of here."

Morris Mandel said, "Gossip is the most deadly microbe. It has neither legs nor wings. It is composed entirely of tales, and most of them have stings."

How Inspiring Are Your Friendships?

Wisdom Nugget: "It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."

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The dictionary defines INSPIRE as, "to influence, move, or guide" or  "to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on."

Inspiration is a very vital part of our lives today. If you've lived long enough in life you'd have realized that there are times when you seem not to be certain as to what fork on the road to take; sometimes we feel like just giving up on the journey altogether. It is at points like these that the presence of friends are most needed to influence, or guide us rightly. To enliven or animate our "inanimate-ness" as it were, for our life's steam seem to go out here. Arnold H. Glasow said, "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."

John Newton is best-known as the author of the famous hymn, "Amazing Grace," his life teemed with spiritual fruit. A new biography on his life by Jonathan Aitken gives us a peek into the legacy of the man who said, "I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great Savior." Newton was an author, preacher, and hymn-writer, perhaps his most profound legacy is the fruit of his friendships. Newton was friend to William Cowper. Cowper suffered throughout his life from a terrible depression. But the window of his most productive years opened when he met with Newton. During this time he produced works like, "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood." One biographer noted, "Cowper, throughout [his] life, lacked personal initiative." The encouragement from Newton, however, was enough to spur Cowper to produce some 60 hymns. And when Cowper later sunk into such a depression that he nearly took his own life, it was his friendship with Newton that stopped him. Newton also played a vital role as friend and mentor in the life of William Wilberforce who led the charge to abolish the british slave trade and ultimately slavery itself in England. When Wilberforce came to faith, he turned to Newton for advice. It was Newton who encouraged him not to abandon politics but to use his political skills for good. Newton who encouraged him to take up the cause of abolishing the slave-trade, and it was Newton who encouraged him to persevere when he considered giving up the fight in 1796. Well into his later years, Newton continued to bear fruit in his friendships. He helped bring a young writer by the name of Hannah More to faith. She went on to start the modern Sunday School movement. And he met for breakfast frequently with a young man by the name of William Carey, who would become a missionary to India and a pioneer for the modern mission's movement. Newton would not have considered himself a great saint, but a great sinner used by God. His life reminds us all of the profound impact that deep spiritual friendships can have. And it encourages us. Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

We must live our lives such that we can be great sources of inspiration to those around us who might already be considering "throwing in the towel".

"I" Is For Investment: Friendships Require Investments

Wisdom Nugget: Remember when you "Give to others, and you will receive. You will be given much. It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold. You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way you will be given."

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To invest is to "Devote (one's time, effort, or energy) to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result."

Lesson 1: Friendship costs "time, effort, and energy" and if you are not willing to sacrifice these then you are not ready to build serious friendship. Investment also speaks of money put into a venture for profit. So straightaway lets settle this: friendship is like a bank account: you cannot pull out more than you are willing to invest or pay in. And every time you draw more than you deposit into it, your friendship account goes into red and the relationship suffers.

Lesson 2: Friendship is like a Football Game. Every time your friend scores a goal (of kindness) do not rest until you have equalized. You may not be able to do exactly what they did for you because you are not at the same financial level, but just score a goal nevertheless. It's not the size of the act but the size of the heart that matters. Some friends are like goal keepers, they never score any goals (of kindness), they only catch the balls (of kindness) played by others and anytime you stay only at the receiving end of any relationship, soon the other party becomes weary of giving all the time and begins to look for a way out. If I may ask, "what is the latest score between you and your friends lately?" If all you have been doing is conceding goals then its time to equalize. Don't be a looser !
Lesson 3: Every investment must have a "Worthwhile Result" or "Profit." One of the wisdom of life says "In all labour ,there is profit", and that profit must not be money only. It could be mentorship, character, manners, wisdom, encouragement, knowledge etc. but Profit you must get. Any friendship that adds nothing to you is killing you slowly.

However before you look for the profit in the relationship ask yourself, "how much have I invested in it?"

Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a beautiful kingdom. He was happy and so were his people. They worked together to improve the kingdom and brought the king many gifts. The king, in turn, was generous to his people. People all over the world heard of this kingdom and came to visit. They admired the beautiful kingdom and they marvelled at how happy everyone seemed to be. The kingdom grew and prospered. But then something happened. The king grew selfish and wanted more and more. He grew self-indulgent and demanded that the people bring him more and more food and more and more of the good things of life. The king's selfishness made him rich and fat, but the people became poor and miserable. One by one the people left the kingdom, and the kingdom that had been so beautiful and so happy began to fall apart. The king found himself alone in his castle, surrounded by mountains of food and all of the luxuries of life, but outside the kingdom had crumbled and the people had all slipped away. The king who had it all became selfish and wanted to keep it all, but he ended up losing it all.

"H" Is For Honesty: Friendships Thrive On Honesty

Wisdom nugget: "An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy."

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Honesty is important in friendships; it is the key foundation in trust, and trust should be present in friendship. Sadly, it has become increasingly difficult to trust people because they lack honesty. People have been lied to and swindled so much that everyone is being regarded with suspicion (we take people's words with a pinch of salt).


Hansel lived with her two elder sisters; Brenda and Chloe. They never married so they had lived together for a very long time. One evening Hansel was in the kitchen preparing dinner. She called out to her sisters who were in the living room. "The phone is ringing. Can someone pick it up". Her sisters answered simultaneously "okay". But the phone kept ringing. Hansel wiped her hands on her apron and went to pick up the phone. She looked in on her sisters and found Brenda knitting and Chloe reading a book. She returned to the kitchen and after a while called out again. "There's someone at the front door." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously. After a while the knock continued and Hansel went to answer the door; it was the milk man. Hansel checked in on her sisters again and found that they hadn't moved from their positions. She stood at the door and yelled "OMG the kitchen is on fire." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously each not moving. Hansel matched into the living room, hands akimbo "why do you two never respond to anything I say." "Okay" the two sisters respond simultaneously not looking up. "I asked a question" Hansel cried in frustration. They both looked at her. "Why do you not respond to anything I say?" Hansel repeated and Brenda replied "oh come on honey. I stopped listening to you in 1987."  "when you told us you saw an alien in our front lawn and I almost fell to my death running" Chloe squints "or was it in 1985 when you woke me and told me Brenda was lying dead in her room" "no, no it was in 1982 when she woke me up and told me the house was on fire and I fell down the stairs trying to get away." "We're done listening to you honey, I'm in a wheel chair and Brenda limps because we believed you one too many times"


Have you become like Hansel that everyone no longer listens to? Have you become the kind of person that when they're talking everybody just nods even though they're not listening? People are now so used to your dishonesty that your words no longer hold meaning? But I wonder, if you are not truthful to your friend who then will you be truthful to? It is important that you tell your friends the truth no matter how painfull it is. If they have an ugly character it is your obligation as a friend to be honest with them and spell out the truth. But please don't do it by putting them down. Choose your time, place and words well and talk to them. When you're down be honest and tell your friends so that they can help you by being there for you. When they displease you, let them know. How else will they repent from it?


Someone once said "A friendship with no honesty is like food without salt. tasteless!" an unknown quote put it this way "A friendship that lacks honesty is not friendship, it's just a façade."

How Priceless Are Your Friendships?

"D" Is For Dear:
Wisdom Nugget: "A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world"
                                                                             - Leo Buscaglia

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David and Jonathan were two great friends, and their relationship is one we are all familiar with. Jonathan loved David as himself. It was quite evident to all how dear they were to each other. People who are fond of each other share lots of things in common. There is usually an overflow of joy when we know there's someone who is near and dear to our heart. Although, that feeling of joy is sometimes taken away by the physical absence of the friend. But physical absence doesn't mean that our friend is emotionally unavailable. We can be thousands of miles away from a friend and still remain dear to them.

Friendship is also not dependent on class or ethnicity. What matters is that you both share a positive interest and truly love each other. That's all it takes to make a friend dear! Consider this in the following story:
As a part of an assignment for a doctoral thesis, a college student spent a year with a group of Navajo Indians on a reservation in the Southwest. As part of his research he lived with one of the Navajo families, sleeping in their hut, eating their food, working with them, & generally living the life of a 20th-century Indian.

The old grandmother of the family spoke no English at all, yet a very close friendship formed between them. They spent a great deal of time sharing a friendship that was meaningful to each, yet unexplainable to anyone else. In spite of the language difference, they shared the common language of love & understood each other. Over the months he learned a few phrases of Navajo, & she picked up a little of the English language.

When it was time for him to return to the campus to complete his thesis, the tribe held a going-away celebration. It was marked by sadness since the young man had become close to the whole village & all would miss him. As he prepared to leave, the old grandmother came to bid him good-bye. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she placed her hands on either side of his face, looked directly into his eyes & said, "I like me best when I'm with you."

Despite the language barrier, the college student was able to make friends who became dear to him and vice versa. All he did was make an impact in their lives so much that it was hard for them to let go when it was time for him to leave. What impact do you leave on your friends? Does out of sight mean out of mind for you? Do you take and take and not give back? Then you are building friendships that are sure to crumble. To build friendships that will remain dear, you have to reciprocate the love your friends shower on you. Distance may be a physical barrier sometimes but that special place still stays green. Keep in touch with those who are dear to you and always let them know how great a company they are. 

"D" Is For Daring: Do You Find Friendships Daunting?

Wisdom Nugget: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
                                                                    - Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934.

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Many people do not have friends for the singular reason that they have been hurt too many times. So they decide to stay on their own to avoid being hurt again. As much as I relate with that, I do not think that isolating yourself is a path to a successful life. What can one achieve without a helping hand really? Even if you do achieve it alone, you would die a very lonely person. That's why I say that friendship is indeed a daunting venture. It's a courageous move!

When we make friends we really do not know everything about them, we probably just identified a quality in them and decided to call them friends. But you have not seen every side of them, you do not know if they will stand by you when you're down, you do not know if they'll lend a helping hand when you need one, you do not know if they'll push you on your way to success or down to your failure, you do not know for sure what they're capable of. You just call them 'friend' based on a speculation! Friends have to prove themselves, until they do, it's all a gamble which you should take anyway. Take it, go out there and find a friend. Don't die in loneliness because a joker came into your life, trampled on you and walked away.

Old Sam used to meet with his friend on Thursday afternoons at a café an hour away from his home. They met to play chess games and talk about old times. For six Thursdays consecutively his friend wouldn't show up and every time Sam ran into him he would give an excuse; a new one every time. And the next Thursday Old Sam will walk to the café to wait for his dear old friend who would never show. Sam's wife tried to convince him that his friend had moved on, he was apparently tired of these meetings or had probably made a new friend. But old Sam would always go back despite his wife's attempt to get him to stop. One Thursday after waiting for over one hour, he picked up his coat and decided to leave. An old man walked up to him and said, "this lady must be very important to you. Every Thursday you wait for her and every Thursday she never shows." Old Sam smiled sadly and explained that whom he waited for was no lady but an old friend whom he used to play chess with. "Aha!" He loved to play chess too the old man bellowed. He continued to explain that he always played alone. Old Sam asked why he had never seen him there at the café and the man replied "because you're always too busy looking at your watch and out the window." Old Sam smiled sadly. Would he like to play chess? The man asked. But Sam declined explaining that he had a long walk home and had to set out early. Would Sam meet him next Thursday for a chess game? "Of course" old Sam replied and headed home. Sam told his wife what had happened. His wife asked him if he would go and Sam replied "but of course!" "How do you know he won't stand you up like your old friend has been doing?" his wife asked and Sam replied "I don't know. It's a risk I'm willing to take"

Old Sam is more than willing to risk being stood up again. Do you know why? That's how friendship is cultivated. It's all risk and risk and risk until you begin to trust them. Even after trusting, some friends might still hurt you. Do you then decide to stop having friends? No! It's all a dare! Take it!

There are so many things that you could be, you could learn through a friend you've never met. Don't give up that opportunity simply because you're too afraid to take the dare of developing friendship.
Lasting friendship can occur suddenly like in our nugget. You can never tell where or how you'll meet a friend. Just open your heart to it.

"N" Is for Nurturing: Friendships Need Nurturing

Wisdom nugget: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

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The Merriam Webster Dictionary gives a clear and concise description of what "nurturing implies." Simply put, "It's to supply with nourishment; educate and further the development of."

I've heard a couple of people use the cliché ''in the good old days" Now is the good old days, probably referring to the past or when the friendship was interesting; my sincere question is how about now? Is there a missing link? Is the sparkle that used to be there still intact? All these questions bring to mind the fact that  friendship is a responsibility. Nurturing friendships is a sure way to improving relationships, otherwise the thrills begin to wane and the friendship becomes eroded by the things that had put a strain on it over time.  Undoubtedly, it's not easy to nurture anything; patience is one of the things you need if you will see the fruits you so much desire in  friendship. It may take some real time because individuals are wired differently. Sure, you wouldn't want to give up on your child who really gets choosy about foods and then say ''well I think I've exhausted my food options, now it's time to give up on and focus on something else that's worth my time." You may feel that's the best, but then there are dire consequences.

The truth is that your child stops growing and gets malnourished just because you gave up on nurturing him. It's the same way a husband and wife need to nurture their love for one another because they are friends. Understand the importance of developing friendships and nurturing the friendship. If there is no form of nurturing, the friendship begins to die slowly.

Since her high school years, Dorothy had a passion to become an internationally acclaimed public speaker. Sometimes she read out loud to herself and sometimes to the hearing of "so called" friends. But she had a seemingly great challenge with her pronunciation of words. Sometimes during her reading sessions at school, she would hear outbursts of laughter and then she returns to her seat in shame. It began to take a toll on her health, she felt inadequate and her passion for public speaking began to wane. Two months later, her family had to relocate and that was quite challenging for her. Her greatest concern was how she would cope in her new school. Will she meet with angels as friends this time or with those worse than the former friends? Many unanswered questions.

Interestingly, it was a different ball game all together. Her first day at school was thrilling, it was a quite receptive one for her and she hoped to meet real friends afterwards. One of the days she stood by the window in her room as she gazed into the sky, lost in utter admiration of the stars. Her phone rang and it was her mate at school who got her phone number from the class directory, and asked how she could help her edit the speech she was to deliver in 2 weeks. Dorothy stood amazed for a while and all she could mutter was "ok.ay". Edit what? She thought aloud. Is that some sort of joke? She felt inspired as she got ready for the meeting, she probably couldn't decipher why. The summary was that she helped the girl edit her speech and the girl being an excellent public speaker began to help her with her pronunciation exercises and gradually she began to improve, her confidence grew in stepwise successions. Her new friend encouraged her, and was patient with her as she got better. Each of them played a life changing role; and they both improved just because of the conscious decision to help each other and realizing that everyone had special ability. It was a nurturing experience for both. Dorothy became one of the best valedictorian of her time because she was receptive to nurturing.

Nurturing does a lot for a friendship, but I shall list five of these things.

Nurturing improves, illuminates, educates, renews and transforms.

As Marvin J Ashton says: "Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart. One who looks out for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them"

On Building Enduring Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!"

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These days a lot of young people walk away from friendships and when you ask them why they tell you "some people are just meant to pass through your life". Much as I may agree with this in part. I'm also of the opinion that friends shouldn't get so far apart that they cannot say a word of greeting when they bump into each other. Friendship is enduring, it's lasting, it's not something that you should totally cut off except the person has become a bad influence to you or others around you, otherwise, when you shut the door to a friendship please always keep a window open for you don't know when you might need to use that window. That "some people are just meant to pass through" message does not mean that you should go out there and make enemies. It simply means you should cut down on your level of intimacy; it is not a license to start off world war III! Never forget this "The friendship that can cease has never been real." - Saint Jerome

Now that I've gotten that first point out of the way, let's talk about people you're still friends with. Why are you eager to do away with a friend over an offence? I get that some friends can be so annoying. Some can drive you to the wall till you want to scream. But before you decide to end it ask yourself if they've always been like that or was it a onetime offence? Have you never wronged them? Did they not forgive you? Are they perfect? Can they not go wrong? If you quit a friendship today, who's to say another will never offend you tomorrow ? Be patient with your friend. Endure a while before you make that final decision. Be sure you have run out of options. Don't be a quitter. People will begin to wonder at your credibility if you have a different set of friends every new month. Learn to endure your friends' shortcomings for no man, not even you, is really perfect.

Mike went hiking with a large group of friends. He was ahead of everyone and was enjoying himself until unfortunately his shoes began to hurt. He got overly annoyed with this development; he didn't want to lose his position but the pain caused by his shoe was drawing him backwards so he decided to lose the shoes. His backpack was packed full and he carried a water flask so there was no carrying the shoe on his hands. He finally made up his mind to leave the shoes by a rock and continued on bare feet.

After a while, the sun got really hot and so did the rocks beneath Mike's feet. It got to a point it became so unbearable that he made the tough decision of going back for the shoes, he ran all the way back bumping into his troop as he ran. He got to the rock but didn't find his shoes. He caught up with his troop and asked for who had seen his shoes but nobody had seen it. He felt miserable and had the worst hiking ever as his feet burnt so much that he spent the next few weeks lying in the hospital.
So your friend gives you pain like Mike's shoes, is that a good reason to leave him/her by the rock? The day you need them you might return to find that they're no longer available. Learn to put up with friends even when they give you a crazy pain on your feet. Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!" don't be sour, laugh with your friends, cry with them, suffer with them. Endure. show yourself friendly, that'll make you a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

"E" Is For Encouragement: Friendship Is Encouragement

Wisdom Nugget: "Correction does much, but encouragement does more." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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In the Greek, the word "encourage" means "to call to one's side, to comfort, to console, to strengthen." To encourage is to inspire another with courage. Words of encouragement have a way of working as a panacea for someone hurting, depressed or going through pain. The way it feels if one takes a pain reliever when he/she has a headache or feels pain in any part of the body and after a while, relief from the pain comes is the same way FRIENDSHIP should make us feel. It may seem irrelevant  at the time but a while later, the effect is felt. It may just be the solution to a dying soul.

Encouragement is crucial to edify and nurture others because life can be discouraging at times. So are you a source of encouragement to your friends, family, spouse, children, colleagues etc?

William Arthur Ward said, "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." Encouragement acknowledges the fears that people have as real, and emboldens them despite those fears. A single word of encouragement can illuminate one's life.

During a practice session for the Green Bay Packers, things were not going well for Vince Lombardi's team. Lombardi singled out one big guard for his failure to "put out". It was a hot, muggy day when the coach called his guard aside and levelled his awesome vocal guns on him, as only Lombardi could. "Son, you are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. As a matter of fact, it's all over for you today, go take a shower." The big guard dropped his head and walked into the dressing room. 45 minutes later, when Lombardi walked in, he saw the big guard sitting in front of his locker still wearing his uniform. His head was bowed and he was sobbing quietly. Vince, ever the changeable but always the compassionate warrior, did something of an about face that was also typical of him. He walked over to his football player and put his arms around his shoulder. "Son," he said, "I told you the truth. You are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. However, in all fairness to you, I should have finished the story. Inside of you, son, there is a great football player, and I'm going to stick by your side until the great football player inside of you has a chance to come out and assert himself." With these words, Jerry Kramer straightened up and felt a great deal better. As a matter of fact, he felt so much better he went on to become one of the all-time greats in football and was recently voted the all-time guard in the first 50 years of professional football.

It's okay to correct and point out errors to people; but, it will amaze you how just one act of encouragement can change one's life  for good. Jerry would have become so depressed at what his coach said to him, his sense of confidence could have been shattered and he may have gone on to committing suicide. He must have felt worthless. The things we say or do to our friends, can spur them on to greatness, fulfill destiny or make them give up altogether.We must see the essence of encouraging even the smallest efforts. It could be a smile, a hug,  a note, or even a pat on the back or just saying well done! Encourage someone today. Let your action take the noose off someone's neck.

Wisdom Nugget: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,...but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

"I" Is For Influence: Your Friends Influence You

Wisdom Nugget: "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

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"The first time you say something, it's heard. The second time, it's recognized, and the third time it's learned" - John C. Maxwell

Influence is the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. Someone said once that, "your life will be a sum total of the books you read and the friends you keep."

In any relationship you experience either of the following:
(a) CORRUPTION: "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners, and  "...a companion of fools shall be destroyed."  Or,
(b)  PROMOTION: "He that walks with wise men shall be wise."

If you do not desire the influence someone will bring into your life, then do not make them your friend because, like it or not, FRIENDSHIP IS INFLUENCE. Have you noticed how an individual enters a new neighborhood and after sometime he begins to speak with their accent? That is called "Influence". As long as you fraternize with people, you must gradually begin to dress like them, talk like them, behave like them, and think like him.

As a young boy I grew up in a  poor neighborhood in Warri. Violence, crime and drugs were a very common sight. It was therefore only natural for me to very early in life find myself lost in alcohol and smoking. I knew it was a very dangerous path to follow in life, but it was my reality and I did not know any better. I particularly wondered then why people loved smoking. That stuff was so bitter in my mouth that each time I smoked it was horrible. But I needed to belong and all my friends smoked so who am I to change the rules? How would I flow with my guys if I didn't do what they did? It took a lot for me to be delivered from that gory past.

It was John C. Maxwell that said, "We choose what attitudes we have right now. And it's a continuing choice." It's a choice to influence or be influenced by other peoples attitudes. Every single character we display today are as a result of our interaction at different points in our lives with the so many people we have come across; our parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers etc.

What kind of influence do you want to have on your friends, CORRUPTION or PROMOTION? Understand first that you can only give what you have. So, it behoves on us to conciously and deliberately decide to influence people positively...There are no accidental successes, decide TODAY!

Let some someone be able to make references years after you've parted ways and testify how their lives improved after they met you.

Good Friendships Are Inspiring

Wisdom Nugget: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

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According to Charles Spurgeon, there are 4 kinds of friends in your life : those who subtract, those who divide, those who add and those who multiply you. On a broader scale, there are two kinds of friends, those who inspire you and those who expire you.

In the School of Relationship , Lesson 101 says, "Wealth will bring you many friends, but become poor and your friends will leave you. Many people are nice to a generous person. Everyone wants to be friends with someone who gives gifts."

Summary is "Most people will befriend you because of what they hope to gain, not because of what they can give."

These are called "fair weather friends". However Lesson 201 adds that, "Real Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble(adversity)."
Have you been there ?

In fact  CS Lewis submits that, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one !"

Truth is, life often deals us blows such that we feel like failures. At such times, you feel your efforts have been in vain and that you have wasted your time. What does the future hold? You wonder. There is no future, it's so dark you can't see a single ray of hope ... And David said "when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." i.e. at such time you do not need sinking sand; you don't need to sink down the pits of despair. You need a rock (an inspiring friend) that is higher than you (at that time) that can lift you up from your miry clay and "talk you through the storm". Real friends inspire you to do what you, otherwise cannot do. They challenge your possibilities and bring out the best in you. They are quick to say "Yes you can !"
 "I'm so depressed and I can't get any dates," the 300-pound man told his minister. "I've tried everything to lose weight."
"I think I can help," said the minister. "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow at 8 a.m."
Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skin-tight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He huffed and puffed after her. This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost 115 pounds and felt confident that he would catch the woman the next day. That morning he whipped open his front door and found a 300-pound woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."

Gloria Naylor wrote: "we cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over.

Remember: "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

R- RESPECT. FRIENDSHIP IS RESPECT

Wisdom Nugget:A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

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The story is told of a father of five who came home with a toy; he summoned his children and asked which one should be given the present. "Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mom and does everything he or she is told to do?" He inquired. There was silence, and then a chorus of voices: "You can play with it daddy!"

Respect is a fast disappearing culture in this century even amongst families. And  it is worse amongst friends . It was  Charles de Gaulle who said, “There can be no prestige without mystery, for familiarity breeds contempt.”

One of the top 3 destroyers of friendships anywhere in the world is the Lack of Respect arising from over-familiarity.  Jason Zebehazy wrote, " Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt. According to this my soulmate should be in Thailand.”

Unfortunately, our friends are not in Thailand or a hundred seas away . In fact, most of our friends are very close-by, and before you know it, we begin to take each other for granted. Gradually we begin to erode the boundaries that defined the relationship in the first place (for EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DEFINED BY BOUNDARIES) and once that happens, the relationship begins to suffer.

For instance, Anna messes up Anita's room and does not bother to fix it. She uses the toilet and does not bother to clean it, wears Anita's clothes and jewelries without permission, intrudes into her privacy at will, borrows from her and does not return or pay back. Sometimes, Anna makes promises with no intention of keeping them; she does not keep appointments and completely disregards and abuses her time.  Problem is, most often, we do not value our friends until we loose them. Never take your friends for granted. They are your greatest wealth.

Frankly, if you want to keep your friends then "show yourself friendly". Respect and honour your friends. Look at what you've got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Richard David Bach said "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.” One Persian Proverb says “He who wants a rose must respect the thorn.” And Nelson Mandela concludes “For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

R Is For Reliability

Wisdom Nugget: "Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat - refreshing!"

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In the real world, there is no such thing as a self-sufficient, super-capable superman, who tied his own boot strap and succeeded by his own personal efforts. We all need someone to succeed. We all need someone to lend us his shoulder for us to climb to our next level. It is called affirmation. No great man could succeed without it. It always takes the affirmation of another great man.

 When was the last time a friend got a job, passed an exam, secured a favour, got a break through or survived a difficult time in life because of you. As Arnold H. Glasow puts it, "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down" Can you keep the secrets of a friend especially after you ceased being friends? Unfortunately in life "The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends." It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said "When friendships are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest things we can know."

The truth, is that "Reliable people are so rare in this world."

When Jan Paderewski was to leave his native Poland to play his first recital in London, he asked an influential compatriot to give him a letter of introduction to a leading figure in Britain's musical world, who might be of assistance should anything go amiss. The letter was handed to him in a sealed envelope. He hoped that everything would proceed smoothly and he would not have to use it. He did not; his debut was a success and no snags developed. Some years later, while going through his papers, he came upon the letter and opened it. It read: "This will introduce Jan Paderewski, who plays the piano, for which he demonstrates no conspicuous talent."

"A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy. Let a man be one thing or the other, and we then know how to meet him." - Aesop.

LOOK INWARD

Wisdom Nugget: " How can you say to your brother, brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye..."

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A faulty vision is dangerous. It makes you see life and people  different perspectives.  You see things in the opposite; you could call a goat a sheep and a sheep a goat when your vision is obscure. The spec in this context could mean fault-finding in others, and this stands the chance of keeping us away from the plan God has for us. A faulty vision is one that does not agree with God's plan, it does not exhibit faith, but is full of pessimism. We tend to call people names when we even do worse than the negative names we have tagged them. For instance we say "he's such a liar" as if we have never lied before.

A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood and the next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbour hanging some washed clothes on the line just outside her window. "That laundry isn't very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to do the laundry properly. Perhaps she needs a better laundry solution." Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbour put up her laundry to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About a month later the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her" The husband replied: "I got up early this morning and cleaned the windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others, depends on how dusty or clean the windows of our vision is; through which we look.

Honestly, we ought to learn to look at people with a heart filled with love. It goes a long way to help us see them in the right light, instead of criticizing and placing tags on them. Most times it's our minds that need purging and therefore have come to change our perception about other people's actions. You see most people say "All lawyers are liars". Some guys say "all girls are cheats". I could go on and on and these misconception may have come to be as a result of certain experiences we must have had in the past. One person's experience cannot make a law; it cannot be deemed applicable at every point or situation. William Temple said, "Our present time is indeed a criticizing and critical time, hovering between the wish, and the inability to believe. Our complaints are like arrows shot up into the air at no target: and with no purpose they only fall back upon our own heads and destroy ourselves."

We should work on ourselves, ensure we look inwards and live correctly,  then can we  say to our neighbour, "there's a speck in your eye. Can I help you take it off?" Wipe your window clean and you'll see how clean your neighbours laundry is. William Blake adds "If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."

A Friend Knows All, And Loves You Still

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

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Using F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P as an acronym in the next couple of days let me share with you on the Laws of friendship.

F= FOCUS: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN GIVE TO THE FRIENDSHIP, NOT ON WHAT THE FRIENDSHIP CAN GIVE TO YOU. The first law of love is GIVE, not TAKE.

As humans we are all naturally selfish. We all need someone to love us, care for us, encourage us and fight for us. And quite honestly there is nothing wrong with desiring all these, except that, imagine that both you and your friend came into the relationship to TAKE all these and more from the other. Naturally, you will soon be tearing at each other's throat demanding for your own portion of love, care etc. But imagine that you both came to GIVE all that and more. Soon there will be abundance of love, care etc. and because both of you are trying to out give the other, the relationship is constantly enriched and overflowing in love, care etc. The truth, however, is that like life itself, (where to live, you must GIVE OUT carbon dioxide and TAKE IN oxygen) so in friendship we must both give and RECEIVE (not DEMAND) whilst we FOCUS on our  primary responsibility on what we BRING  to the table. To enter a relationship with the goal to TAKE is the almighty formula for disappointments, heart breaks and self pity. You are hanging your joy on a man like you and the arms of flesh will fail you.

Jackie Robinson was the first black to play major league baseball. Breaking baseball's colour barrier, he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then, shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career. The gesture spoke more eloquently than the words: This man is my friend.

As Elbert Hubbard puts it, "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." And Albert Camus adds, "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

Laws Of Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

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Friends are the next outer circle of relationships after family members. Unlike family who you did not choose, friends maintain an on-going contact with you because they want to. You go through life's journey together as a family because you all live in the same town and have grown through the years together.

Friendship develops through a common activity - work, school, sports, church, etc. Unless you have a reason to spend time with each other on a regular basis you will never get to know each other well enough. A bonding takes place out of sharing a common experience and seeing how each of you reacts differently to the same circumstances. So what would be the dos and don'ts of good friendship?
Although there are no "exact" rules of friendship, there are some guidelines that can help create more enriching, productive, and long-lasting friendships. Many people treat friendships as if they were somehow less valuable than family or romantic relationships, but actually all friendships have the same capacity to enrich our lives and increase our general happiness. In fact, the good book says "there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother". The rules of friendship are important to being happy whether you seeking a romantic partner or not, and you will be more successful in creating a quality relationship with anyone in your life if you can approach making friends from a position of independence and happiness of your own to start with. However, real friendships are not created by legal, social, or monetary obligations, and instead are usually held together only by mutual interests, respect, love and shared values...Hmmm, did you say SHARED VALUES?

Let me give you a picture of life without shared values or Principles: James Patterson and Peter Kim, in "The Day America Told the Truth", 1991 posted this question: "What are you willing to do for $10,000,000?" Two-thirds of Americans polled would agree to at least one, some to several of the following:
Would abandon their entire family (25%)
Would abandon their church (25%)
Would become prostitutes for a week or more (23%)
Would give up their American citizenships (16%)
Would leave their spouses (16%)
Would withhold testimony and let a murderer go free (10%)
Would kill a stranger (7%)
Would put their children up for adoption (3%)

Compare that to a man of Principle called Daniel: "But Daniel determined that he would not defile himself by eating the king's food or drinking his wine, so he asked the head of the palace staff to exempt him from the royal diet."

Why Some Have No Friends

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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A British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following:
"One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable."
"One who understands our silence."
"A volume of sympathy bound in cloth."
"A watch that beats true for all time and never runs down."

The winning definition read: "A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out."
Looking at the above definitions I am sure you already have an idea why some people don't have friends. Our text says "A man that has friends must show himself friendly..."

Friendship is like a mirror, it reflects back to you what you give to it. Before you accuse others of not being friendly, are you friendly yourself? If you notice your neighbours have not been greeting you lately, ask yourself, "Have I been greeting them lately ?"

 If because of your problems, your face always looks like the Book of Lamentations then you will hope for friends for a long time.
During his days as President, Thomas Jefferson and a group of companions were traveling across the country on horseback. They came to a river which had overflowed its banks because of a recent downpour. The swollen river had washed the bridge away. Each rider was forced to ford the river on horseback, fighting for his life against the rapid currents. The very real possibility of death threatened each rider, which caused a traveler who was not part of their group to step aside and watch. After several had plunged in and made it to the other side, the stranger asked President Jefferson if he would ferry him across the river. The president agreed without hesitation. The man climbed on, and shortly thereafter the two of them made it safely to the other side. As the stranger slid off the back of the saddle onto dry ground, one in the group asked him, "Tell me, why did you select the president to ask this favor of?" The man was shocked, admitting he had no idea it was the president who had helped him. "All I know," he said, "Is that on some of your faces was written the answer 'No,' and on some of them was the answer 'yes.' His was a 'Yes' face."

Please get friendly with someone; we all need somebody. There is no need practicing "ALONENESS" today. There will be plenty of time for that when one day we are finally trapped in our own little coffin, 6 feet below the earth. Lets enjoy the gift of friendship whilst we can.

 Remember "Friends are like good health; you don't realize what a gift they are until you lose them."

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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One of the greatest gifts given to mankind is, The Gift of Friends. We are all products of relationships and as the popular sage goes, "No man is an Island". You cannot be friends with everybody but you must be a friend to somebody. 

Rodney Dangerfield wrote: "Once I told my old man, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't say that - everybody hasn't met you yet."

Leonard Syme, a professor of epidemiology at the University of California at Berkeley, indicates the importance of social ties and social support systems in relationship to mortality and disease rates. He points to Japan as being number one in the world with respect to health and then discusses the close social, cultural, and traditional ties in that country as the reason. He believes that the more social ties, the better the health and the lower the death rate. Conversely, he indicates that the more isolated the person, the poorer the health and the higher the chances of dying. Social ties are good preventative medicines for physical problems and for mental-emotional-behavior problems.

Who therefore is a friend? Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you. Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With them you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities, and in opening them up to friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. They understand. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse them, neglect them, tolerate them. Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all - and underneath - they see, know, and love you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself. (C. Raymond Beran, in Bits & Pieces, September 19, 1991, p. 3-4.)

George Eliot said "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Friendship is reciprocal and you will find a true friend more useful to you in life than your biological brother.

Two men were out hunting in Northern U.S.A. Suddenly one yelled and the other looked up to see a grizzly charging at  them. The first started to frantically put on his tennis shoes and his friend anxiously asked, "What are you doing? Don't you know you can't outrun a grizzly bear?" "I don't have to outrun a grizzly bear. I just have to outrun you".

Your Work Is Your Life

Wisdom Nuggets: "Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies."
                                                                                                                      - Albert Camus

Source: Photo Pin

The sign in the store window read: NO HELP WANTED. As two men passed by, one said to the other, "You should apply - you'd be great."

Cynthia Spence in Homemade, May, 1989 wrote "One researcher has estimated that 50-80% of working Americans are in a job that does not match their abilities and is therefore unfulfilling. That may well be the force behind the statistic that the average worker will change careers two or three times before retirement." If you work 8 to 9 hours daily then 37.5% of your life is spent on that job. And you had better love what you are doing or else your life is already a living hell. Your entire life is calibrated in TIME. When therefore you give 37.5% of your day to a job you are giving it 37.5 % of your life. Every morning as you dress to go to work don't be fooled, this is not a dress rehearsal, this is your life going and nobody but you has the awesome power to make it a living hell or a blissful heaven.

My almighty slogan in my training programs for cooperate executives is, "Either you do what you love or love what you do. Or simply quit!"

I discovered something from my Physical Exercise classes. I hate jogging but I enjoy long quick walks. I dread aerobics but I need it so I do it to be alive. The only exercise that comes natural to me is swimming. For some reasons, I never miss an opportunity to swim, whether I'm home or abroad, but I find myself always forgetting that I have an aerobic class. Because I enjoy swimming, the fun in it has taken away the work in it. Let me recommend the same principle for your job.

Notice when Adam got a job in Eden, he was happy. Eden means pleasure or delight.  Everyone was made to work in their various Edens, i.e. the job that gives the utmost pleasure and delight. It takes the work out of it and occupies you with the fun in it. Interestingly, the most successful people the world over know this is the first principle of success.

Albert Camus said "Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies." And finally  Khalil Gibran posted "Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."

Love What You Do?

Wisdom nuggets: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

                                                                                                            - Confucius

Source: Photo Pin

About six years ago, I was speaking at a luncheon held in the civic auditorium of a city in Oklahoma. I settled myself at my place at the head table. I picked up my fork and noticed that two rose-petaled radishes adorned my salad plate. The radish is an edible root vegetable of the Brassicaceae family, which was domesticated in Europe, in pre-Roman times. They are grown and consumed throughout the world. Someone had taken the time to pretty up two radishes, just for me. Then I noticed that each salad at the head table had two neatly curled radishes. I turned to the lady sitting to my right. "I'm impressed by the radishes" I said.
 "You're impressed by what?" she asked.
"The radishes" I said. "Look, each salad plate at our table has curled radishes."
"Yes," she said, exercising a questioning smile. "They're pretty."
"They're more than pretty," I said. "Someone took special care to do these" "Don't they all have them?" she asked, gazing out at the tables.
I looked and was astonished. Each salad plate was adorned with two curled radishes! "They are curled! That took a lot of time!" "I'm not on the planning committee, but Gertrude is," she replied. She turned to get the attention of Gertrude, three chairs down. "Mrs. George wants to ask you something about the radishes," she whispered.
"The what?" Gertrude mouthed
 "The RA- DI-SHES!" "Is there something wrong with your radishes?" she asked. "No. They are fine. I just thought it was nice to have them all curled."
"Oh, Marietta does those."
 "All of them?" I knew the head count in the room and was astonished. "That's almost eight hundred radishes!"
"Yes, but Marietta wants to do it. Would you like to meet her? She's in the kitchen." So Gertrude and I went into the kitchen, and there we met Marietta, the lady of the radishes.
"Gertrude tells me you curled all those radishes. They're lovely. Each salad looks so...festive."
"I don't mind doing it. It just takes time," Marietta replied.

 I didn't know what more to say so I left.  Later, I spoke, and there was an encouraging response. Afterward, ladies scurried past me with murmured greetings, and a few lingered to speak of God in their lives. When we finished, it was raining heavily so we hurried across the parking lot to the car. Through the rain, I could see a lady, carrying a large polka-dot umbrella that had collapsed on one side waiting by our car. It was Marietta! She was smiling as though we had found her on a sunny day in an especially delightful garden.

 "I had to see you. I heard your speech. It was good!" she said. "I have to go home now." I slipped inside the car. Marietta crouched down close to the window and called to me, "Just remember this. You keep telling people about Jesus, and I'll keep curling the radishes." The rain and my tears splattered the picture of her face as we started to back out of the driveway. Ah, dear Marietta, I haven't forgotten. We are to do our jobs in the love of him who does all things well. LOVE WHAT YOU DO
-Jeanette Clift George, Travel Tips From A Reluctant Traveler, 1987.

Do You Work For A Living?

Wisdom Nuggets: "To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth." - Pearl S. Buck  

I organise training retreats for business executives from various organizations  During these trainings, I often ask trainees this puzzling question: "Why do you work in this organization?" , I always get the same feedback from all of them. Whether they are oil company workers, bankers, civil servants or teachers:
"For a living!" they often reply.

My reply often is, "No job can ever give you a living. Why? Because living is different from existing. No salary can give it to you. So instead of working to earn a living, "Work to earn a giving." Even more interesting was when I facilitated a retreat for Union executives of the most valuable company in the world, Exxon Mobil. I said to them, "No amount of money can pay for your true worth and value. In short the whole world's wealth cannot pay for it."

As the sage once said, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and loose  his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

Since no job is worth your value, you must, therefore, work to be a blessing knowing that you have been blessed (with that job) that you might be a blessing.".

 The sad truth is that people who work for a living scarcely live. They either end up broke or at the best they live Just Over Broke (JOB).

When the company founded by Andrew Carnegie was taken over by the U.S. Steel Corporation in 1901 it acquired as one of its obligations a contract to pay the top Carnegie executive, Charles M. Schwab, the then unheard of minimum sum of $1,000,000. J.P. Morgan of U.S. Steel was in confused about it. The highest salary on record was then $100,000. He met with Schwab, showed him the contract and hesitatingly asked what could be done about it. "This," said Schwab, as he took the contract and tore it up.  That contract had paid Schwab $1,300,000 the year before. "I didn't care what salary they paid me," Schwab later told a Forbes magazine interviewer. "I was not animated by money motives. I believed in what I was trying to do and I wanted to see it brought about. I cancelled that contract without a moment's hesitation. Why do I work? I work for just the pleasure I find in work, the satisfaction there is in developing things, in creating. Also, the associations business begets. The person who does not work for the love of work, but only for money, is not likely to make money nor to find much fun in life."

And Elbert Hubbard concludes "We work to become, not to acquire."