"E" Is For Encouragement: Friendship Is Encouragement

Wisdom Nugget: "Correction does much, but encouragement does more." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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In the Greek, the word "encourage" means "to call to one's side, to comfort, to console, to strengthen." To encourage is to inspire another with courage. Words of encouragement have a way of working as a panacea for someone hurting, depressed or going through pain. The way it feels if one takes a pain reliever when he/she has a headache or feels pain in any part of the body and after a while, relief from the pain comes is the same way FRIENDSHIP should make us feel. It may seem irrelevant  at the time but a while later, the effect is felt. It may just be the solution to a dying soul.

Encouragement is crucial to edify and nurture others because life can be discouraging at times. So are you a source of encouragement to your friends, family, spouse, children, colleagues etc?

William Arthur Ward said, "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." Encouragement acknowledges the fears that people have as real, and emboldens them despite those fears. A single word of encouragement can illuminate one's life.

During a practice session for the Green Bay Packers, things were not going well for Vince Lombardi's team. Lombardi singled out one big guard for his failure to "put out". It was a hot, muggy day when the coach called his guard aside and levelled his awesome vocal guns on him, as only Lombardi could. "Son, you are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. As a matter of fact, it's all over for you today, go take a shower." The big guard dropped his head and walked into the dressing room. 45 minutes later, when Lombardi walked in, he saw the big guard sitting in front of his locker still wearing his uniform. His head was bowed and he was sobbing quietly. Vince, ever the changeable but always the compassionate warrior, did something of an about face that was also typical of him. He walked over to his football player and put his arms around his shoulder. "Son," he said, "I told you the truth. You are a lousy football player. You're not blocking, you're not tackling, and you're not putting out. However, in all fairness to you, I should have finished the story. Inside of you, son, there is a great football player, and I'm going to stick by your side until the great football player inside of you has a chance to come out and assert himself." With these words, Jerry Kramer straightened up and felt a great deal better. As a matter of fact, he felt so much better he went on to become one of the all-time greats in football and was recently voted the all-time guard in the first 50 years of professional football.

It's okay to correct and point out errors to people; but, it will amaze you how just one act of encouragement can change one's life  for good. Jerry would have become so depressed at what his coach said to him, his sense of confidence could have been shattered and he may have gone on to committing suicide. He must have felt worthless. The things we say or do to our friends, can spur them on to greatness, fulfill destiny or make them give up altogether.We must see the essence of encouraging even the smallest efforts. It could be a smile, a hug,  a note, or even a pat on the back or just saying well done! Encourage someone today. Let your action take the noose off someone's neck.

Wisdom Nugget: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,...but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Good Friendships Are Inspiring

Wisdom Nugget: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

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According to Charles Spurgeon, there are 4 kinds of friends in your life : those who subtract, those who divide, those who add and those who multiply you. On a broader scale, there are two kinds of friends, those who inspire you and those who expire you.

In the School of Relationship , Lesson 101 says, "Wealth will bring you many friends, but become poor and your friends will leave you. Many people are nice to a generous person. Everyone wants to be friends with someone who gives gifts."

Summary is "Most people will befriend you because of what they hope to gain, not because of what they can give."

These are called "fair weather friends". However Lesson 201 adds that, "Real Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble(adversity)."
Have you been there ?

In fact  CS Lewis submits that, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one !"

Truth is, life often deals us blows such that we feel like failures. At such times, you feel your efforts have been in vain and that you have wasted your time. What does the future hold? You wonder. There is no future, it's so dark you can't see a single ray of hope ... And David said "when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." i.e. at such time you do not need sinking sand; you don't need to sink down the pits of despair. You need a rock (an inspiring friend) that is higher than you (at that time) that can lift you up from your miry clay and "talk you through the storm". Real friends inspire you to do what you, otherwise cannot do. They challenge your possibilities and bring out the best in you. They are quick to say "Yes you can !"
 "I'm so depressed and I can't get any dates," the 300-pound man told his minister. "I've tried everything to lose weight."
"I think I can help," said the minister. "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow at 8 a.m."
Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skin-tight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He huffed and puffed after her. This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost 115 pounds and felt confident that he would catch the woman the next day. That morning he whipped open his front door and found a 300-pound woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."

Gloria Naylor wrote: "we cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over.

Remember: "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

A Friend Knows All, And Loves You Still

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

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Using F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P as an acronym in the next couple of days let me share with you on the Laws of friendship.

F= FOCUS: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN GIVE TO THE FRIENDSHIP, NOT ON WHAT THE FRIENDSHIP CAN GIVE TO YOU. The first law of love is GIVE, not TAKE.

As humans we are all naturally selfish. We all need someone to love us, care for us, encourage us and fight for us. And quite honestly there is nothing wrong with desiring all these, except that, imagine that both you and your friend came into the relationship to TAKE all these and more from the other. Naturally, you will soon be tearing at each other's throat demanding for your own portion of love, care etc. But imagine that you both came to GIVE all that and more. Soon there will be abundance of love, care etc. and because both of you are trying to out give the other, the relationship is constantly enriched and overflowing in love, care etc. The truth, however, is that like life itself, (where to live, you must GIVE OUT carbon dioxide and TAKE IN oxygen) so in friendship we must both give and RECEIVE (not DEMAND) whilst we FOCUS on our  primary responsibility on what we BRING  to the table. To enter a relationship with the goal to TAKE is the almighty formula for disappointments, heart breaks and self pity. You are hanging your joy on a man like you and the arms of flesh will fail you.

Jackie Robinson was the first black to play major league baseball. Breaking baseball's colour barrier, he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then, shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career. The gesture spoke more eloquently than the words: This man is my friend.

As Elbert Hubbard puts it, "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." And Albert Camus adds, "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

Laws Of Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

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Friends are the next outer circle of relationships after family members. Unlike family who you did not choose, friends maintain an on-going contact with you because they want to. You go through life's journey together as a family because you all live in the same town and have grown through the years together.

Friendship develops through a common activity - work, school, sports, church, etc. Unless you have a reason to spend time with each other on a regular basis you will never get to know each other well enough. A bonding takes place out of sharing a common experience and seeing how each of you reacts differently to the same circumstances. So what would be the dos and don'ts of good friendship?
Although there are no "exact" rules of friendship, there are some guidelines that can help create more enriching, productive, and long-lasting friendships. Many people treat friendships as if they were somehow less valuable than family or romantic relationships, but actually all friendships have the same capacity to enrich our lives and increase our general happiness. In fact, the good book says "there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother". The rules of friendship are important to being happy whether you seeking a romantic partner or not, and you will be more successful in creating a quality relationship with anyone in your life if you can approach making friends from a position of independence and happiness of your own to start with. However, real friendships are not created by legal, social, or monetary obligations, and instead are usually held together only by mutual interests, respect, love and shared values...Hmmm, did you say SHARED VALUES?

Let me give you a picture of life without shared values or Principles: James Patterson and Peter Kim, in "The Day America Told the Truth", 1991 posted this question: "What are you willing to do for $10,000,000?" Two-thirds of Americans polled would agree to at least one, some to several of the following:
Would abandon their entire family (25%)
Would abandon their church (25%)
Would become prostitutes for a week or more (23%)
Would give up their American citizenships (16%)
Would leave their spouses (16%)
Would withhold testimony and let a murderer go free (10%)
Would kill a stranger (7%)
Would put their children up for adoption (3%)

Compare that to a man of Principle called Daniel: "But Daniel determined that he would not defile himself by eating the king's food or drinking his wine, so he asked the head of the palace staff to exempt him from the royal diet."

Why Some Have No Friends

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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A British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following:
"One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable."
"One who understands our silence."
"A volume of sympathy bound in cloth."
"A watch that beats true for all time and never runs down."

The winning definition read: "A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out."
Looking at the above definitions I am sure you already have an idea why some people don't have friends. Our text says "A man that has friends must show himself friendly..."

Friendship is like a mirror, it reflects back to you what you give to it. Before you accuse others of not being friendly, are you friendly yourself? If you notice your neighbours have not been greeting you lately, ask yourself, "Have I been greeting them lately ?"

 If because of your problems, your face always looks like the Book of Lamentations then you will hope for friends for a long time.
During his days as President, Thomas Jefferson and a group of companions were traveling across the country on horseback. They came to a river which had overflowed its banks because of a recent downpour. The swollen river had washed the bridge away. Each rider was forced to ford the river on horseback, fighting for his life against the rapid currents. The very real possibility of death threatened each rider, which caused a traveler who was not part of their group to step aside and watch. After several had plunged in and made it to the other side, the stranger asked President Jefferson if he would ferry him across the river. The president agreed without hesitation. The man climbed on, and shortly thereafter the two of them made it safely to the other side. As the stranger slid off the back of the saddle onto dry ground, one in the group asked him, "Tell me, why did you select the president to ask this favor of?" The man was shocked, admitting he had no idea it was the president who had helped him. "All I know," he said, "Is that on some of your faces was written the answer 'No,' and on some of them was the answer 'yes.' His was a 'Yes' face."

Please get friendly with someone; we all need somebody. There is no need practicing "ALONENESS" today. There will be plenty of time for that when one day we are finally trapped in our own little coffin, 6 feet below the earth. Lets enjoy the gift of friendship whilst we can.

 Remember "Friends are like good health; you don't realize what a gift they are until you lose them."

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP

Wisdom Nugget:  "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

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One of the greatest gifts given to mankind is, The Gift of Friends. We are all products of relationships and as the popular sage goes, "No man is an Island". You cannot be friends with everybody but you must be a friend to somebody. 

Rodney Dangerfield wrote: "Once I told my old man, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't say that - everybody hasn't met you yet."

Leonard Syme, a professor of epidemiology at the University of California at Berkeley, indicates the importance of social ties and social support systems in relationship to mortality and disease rates. He points to Japan as being number one in the world with respect to health and then discusses the close social, cultural, and traditional ties in that country as the reason. He believes that the more social ties, the better the health and the lower the death rate. Conversely, he indicates that the more isolated the person, the poorer the health and the higher the chances of dying. Social ties are good preventative medicines for physical problems and for mental-emotional-behavior problems.

Who therefore is a friend? Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you. Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With them you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities, and in opening them up to friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. They understand. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse them, neglect them, tolerate them. Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all - and underneath - they see, know, and love you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself. (C. Raymond Beran, in Bits & Pieces, September 19, 1991, p. 3-4.)

George Eliot said "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Friendship is reciprocal and you will find a true friend more useful to you in life than your biological brother.

Two men were out hunting in Northern U.S.A. Suddenly one yelled and the other looked up to see a grizzly charging at  them. The first started to frantically put on his tennis shoes and his friend anxiously asked, "What are you doing? Don't you know you can't outrun a grizzly bear?" "I don't have to outrun a grizzly bear. I just have to outrun you".

HANDLING REJECTION II

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Wisdom Nugget: "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."



It was Sylvester Stallone of the "Rambo" fame who said, "I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat." And Louise Nevelson added, "I think all great innovations are built on rejections." It's amazing how people take rejection when it hits them; some respond with outstanding mind blowing results, while yet others react with devastating consequences. Different strokes for different folks, you might say.

Freddy was a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.  "Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I have a favour to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me. "Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him." "There's something you should know," Freddy continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us." "I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live." "No, I want him to live with us." "Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such disabilities would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."At that point, Freddy hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Freddy had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg

Freddy's parents are like many of us today we find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we expect. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

We can either be victims of, or victors over rejection.

FRIENDS DO NOT (ONLY) LAST A LIFE TIME

Wisdom Nugget: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother

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Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?

In the few years I have lived, I have seen quite a great deal of unbelievable conduct between supposed friends which is why I strongly hold the view that most FRIENDS DO NOT LAST A LIFE TIME

(1) Ebi just lost the father and soon after the burial she needed badly to pay her school fees and felt the best person to talk to would be the Dad's former best friend. To her utter shock, he demands for sex as a pre-condition for any financial assistance.
(2) Mr Tony and his best friend Tijani who were business partners were at the verge of closing a major deal that would fetch them hundreds of millions, when suddenly Tijani got involved in a ghastly accident on his way to one of the project sites. He died  a few days later and a month after his burial the project is completed and money paid to their company account. The widow of late Mr Tijani got wind that payment had just been made for the job which took her husband's life. She phoned Mr Tony, but he refused to answer her calls.She eventually tracked him down to the office and he lied to her that no payment was ever made. Two years later, she received a pittance from Mr Tony; upposedly her husband's share of the contract money. He said he didn't have to give her anything and wass in fact doing her a Favour.
(3) A heated argument broke out between the driver and this pretty young woman. She would not pay any fare for her young son because she did not have such money. She would rather carry him on her laps. Then she added "After all, since his father died, they haven't given me nothing !" At that point I became curious and wanted to know more. I offered to pay for her son so she could tell me. Her husband had died in war as an Ecomog Peace keeping soldier in Liberia. And when she demanded for his gratuities, her husband's former boss insisted on sleeping with her first. When she refused, the money was finally paid to her father-in-law who refused to give her or any of her kids a dime. Only her first son was in school, courtesy of some kind soldiers in the barracks who had contributed into a purse to help him for he was very bright.


David and Jonathan entered into a covenant of friendship. Many years later both Jonathan and his father Saul were dead and forgotten, but not by David. David woke up one morning, according to our text, and began to look for just any survivors of Saul's family so he could show them kindness, not for their sake but " for Jonathan's sake!" Because David believed that true friendship lasts beyond one's life time; it endures for all time. David discovered Mephibosheth,  restored back to him every property, investment and servant belonging to his late father, and all the benefits due a king's son.

Look for family members of your late covenant (bosom or close friend)  who are in "Lode-bar" (distress and despair) and show them kindness "for your late friend's sake" because friends are not only for life but much more in death. The bad news is we will all die one day and the seeds we sow for others today, (good, bad or ugly) our families shall reap them "good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over."

As the wise saying goes, whatever goes around, comes around. Friends are not for life only but for all time ! Remember "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

And "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted"-Aesop.

Friends Are Not For Life...

Wisdom Nugget: "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

                                                                                                                -Albert Camus

Friends
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We've probably used this very popular phrase about friends before. "Friends are for life". But today I beg to completely disagree with you.

Amongst all the several definitions of who a true friend is that I have read about, William Penn's stands out: "a true friend freely advises, justly assists, readily adventures, boldly takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably."

For want of space, let me take only one item from the above: "DEFENDS COURAGEOUSLY".

A true friend will not keep quiet when someone is gossiping about you. They may not know the details but will not tolerate anyone running you down where they are. They courageously defend you first before they come to find out (from you) whether what they said about you was true . In the law of friendship "silence (when your friend is being defamed) is equal to tacit support for the defamation." You are as guilty as the one who is peddling the story. But DEFENDING COURAGEOUSLY goes beyond gossips.

Everyone knows the fate of women when their husbands die (or when their sons die). Inhuman treatment are sometimes, metted out to helpless and defenseless widows in certain cultures.That was why Jesus said to his mother, "woman, behold thy son!" Then saith he to his trusted friend  "Behold thy mother!" And because the trusted friend, John, understood the coded language of his dear and dying friend Jesus, from that hour he took her unto his own home, to protect, defend and look after her. Remember, soon after this Jesus died. The master's body was lifeless. John's friend and future were buried, but still John didn't leave. Why? Was he waiting for the resurrection? No. As far as he knew, Jesus' lips were forever silent and his hands forever still. He wasn't expecting a Sunday surprise. Then why was he here? You'd think he would have left. Who was to say that the men who crucified Christ wouldn't come after him? The crowds were pleased with one crucifixion; the religious leaders might have called for more. Why didn't John get out of town? Perhaps the answer was pragmatic. Perhaps, he was taking care of Jesus' mother. Or maybe he lingered because he loved his friend Jesus. To others, Jesus was a miracle worker, was a master teacher, to some others, Jesus was the hope of Israel. But to John, he was all of these and more. To John, Jesus was a friend. John had learnt that "You don't abandon a friend - not even when that friend is dead because friends are not for life but for all time".

Did he understand Jesus? No. Nobody fully did. Was he glad Jesus did what he did? No. But did he leave Jesus? No. Our friendship is hypocritical if after our friend died, we did not arise to defend his widow and fight for the upkeep of their children. If we watched our friend's widow humiliated and their children frustrated by a tradition that gave one irresponsible in-law the right to deprive her and her kids of all their late husband and father laboured for and did nothing, then we were never friends in the first place, but wicked, selfish, conscienceless and  opportunistic imposters whose true character had been revealed in the unfortunate event. Our friends' widow and children are still in shock as they observe our indifference, wondering if we were the same people who ate in their home and hung around with their dad.

Friends we should take up our responsibilities, and understand that : "FROM THE DAY OUR FRIEND DIES WE BECAME A FATHER  TO HIS KIDS AND A HUSBAND TO HIS WIDOW"! Not in conjugal terms but in terms of "RESPONSIBILITY TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY".

Let us conclude with the words of  C. JoyBell C "There are still some wonderful people left in this world! They are diamonds in the rough, but they're around! You'll find them when you fall down- they're the ones who pick you up. They will never judge you. But you'll only know them them when you're down! When you get up again, remember who your true friends are!"

 "... there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

Bottomline: riends are not for life, but for all time.

Cultivating Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"

Friendship

Friendship is a powerful aspect of the human existence.  No man is poor who has friends, and no man is rich who does not have friends.  But, of course the meaning of friendship may differ from person to person and culture to culture.  In recent times, people are moving towards social isolation. People now work from their homes; most people shop online; others have their goods delivered at their doors. We now bank online and get enough entertainment on cable. We no longer create opportunities to cultivate social skills; people now live in loneliness and emptiness. But the truth is we are created for friendships. As the popular sage goes, "No man is an island".

A man came home to find his house in disarray, he proceeded to the bedroom to find his wife frantically pulling drawers and throwing things all over the room. "What's going on honey?" he asked "I can't find it," she replied. "Can't find what?" the confused husband asked but the woman didn't reply. She kept on throwing things around. The man walked over to her and gripped her shoulders. "Look at me. Look at me." The woman burst into tears. "Calm down. Take a deep breath, breathe". The woman stopped sobbing and looked into her husband's eyes. "What are you looking for?" he asks calmly. "I can't send holiday greetings to our friends," she said amidst sobs. "Why not? Don't you do that every year?" the husband asked. "No, not that," the wife said in frustration. "I can't find the card list" "the card list?" the still confused husband asks "I don't know who our friends are without it. Do you?" The man looked away thoughtfully and took a beep breath, "well then, send to only our parents, at least we remember who they are."

This might seem funny, but this is what friendship has been reduced to for most people: a name on a list that gets contacted out of tradition once a year.

The sad part is that the people who manage to make friendships are superficial and shallow. We have become too busy to keep true friendships.

 Jeremy Taylor once said, "by friendship you mean the greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable." There's something very powerful about friendships; they not to be taken lightly.

The quoted writer considers those things in life  lasting value, and those things that are passing, empty, or vain.  He makes a list of vain things.  He lists pleasures, money, fame, and many other things, which in the end, are empty and void of lasting value and meaning.  In the end, he lists very few things that are not vain. These are very few things, which have lasting value and benefit.  But one of those things which he sees as having lasting value is friendship. Someone once said that, "the fabric of friendship never gets worn out."

The value of true friendship is everlasting. It's not just calling on them only when in need but also being there for them when they need you. It's not just staying when others stay, but also staying when others leave. It's not just saying what they want to hear but also saying what they don't want to hear.

Keep friends and be loyal to them. Don't die in isolation. We all need friends!

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