DEALING WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE

Wisdom Nugget: "Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."

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Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior which involves the abuse by one partner against another in an intimate relationship such as marriage, cohabitation, dating or within the family. Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical aggression or assault (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, slapping, throwing objects, battery), or threats thereof; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; controlling or domineering; intimidation; stalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation. Domestic violence occurs across the world in various cultures and affects people across societies, irrespective of their economic status, race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It has profound consequences on the lives of children, adults and families because it's the kind of abuse committed by someone that's supposed to love you.

Domestic violence could encompass both physical and emotional abuse. These includes sexual abuse, rape, incest, sexual assault, starvation, verbal and physiological abuse, economic abuse and exploitation, denial of basic education, intimidation and harassment, stalking, hazardous attack such as acid bath with offensive or poisonous substance, damage of property.

Wives and children are the most commonly abused. Men are abused too, but mostly verbally and psychologically. Our text admonishes husbands to love their wives and not be harsh, if you can apply this to your wives, so can you to your children. You'd find it naturally flowing down to them. This also applies to wives towards their husbands. Expressing love goes a long way to curb abuse.

Angela told her story; my real father was very abusive to my mom, my four siblings and me. When I was 11 years old, my younger sister, my three brothers and I were placed in foster care homes, as my mom could not handle this life of abuse and had no other supports to keep her life together. It was my further misfortune that the foster father where my sister and I were placed was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive to all of the children in the home. At one point we had as many as ten children living in this home. I was the cook and the bottle washer, and was just one of many who would work very hard with much scolding and degradation. On one occasion I watched my foster brother get beaten. It was very traumatizing. I thought that I was witnessing a murder! This young man was 9 years old and the reason that he was getting this severe treatment was because he did not know how to eat with a spoon or fork. He had never been taught, and somehow that warranted punishment - as if it were his fault. I watched his under-nourished body as he was thrown violently down a full flight of stairs. Once he landed on the concrete basement floor and just laid there. I thought that he had died. My foster father followed him down the stairs then proceeded to kick him from one end of the basement to the other. He punched this poor lifeless body, then spoke such negative words over this young man and then continued to kick him repeatedly. I was so terrified at what I had witnessed that I ran away to my room so that he would not know how much I had seen that day. Thank God that this young boy managed to survive this terrible beating. The next day, every part of his body was swollen and black and blue. He still had to do all of his chores. This young man later grew up and was abusive to his first wife until she left him. He then remarried another woman and beat her as well. The cycle perpetuated, which is often seen, unless counsel, therapy, education or some other kind of intervention, changes the course of the cycle.

Domestic violence is common and occurs in more homes than you can imagine. Women take in girls as 'house maids' and treat them like slaves. While their children are treated like kings and the 'maids' serve them and is at their service. I find such scenarios amusing because those parents think they're doing their children well, while the fact is that most of these kids end up spoilt and are unable to live independently even after they grow up. Yes, the bible said "train up a child the way he should go." but it didn't say "kill a child before he grows."  Besides, it's beyond the marks and bruises; you could be damaging your victim emotionally for life. You could be creating the worlds' next monster, because abuse does one of two things; it either turns the abused into an abuser or it turns the abused into their shells for the rest of their lives.

Salma Hayek said "There is a subconscious way of taking violence as a way of expression, as normality, and it has a lot of effects in the youth in the way they absorb education and what they hope to get out of life."

Distortion

Wisdom Nugget: “Like a club and a sword and a sharp arrow Is a man who bears false witness against his neighbor.”

False witnessing is still lying. Telling tales that you’re not sure of. Our text says LIKE a club and a sword and a sharp arrow - all weapons. This is how bad false witnessing cuts, as bad as weapons. Let’s look at a few "types" of lying.

Slandering: Some sins are worse than others in terms of damage done. If I steal from you I can return the item. But if I spread lies about you I may not be able to ever undo the far reaching effects. A man spread lies about his pastor, was convicted, repented, and asked him how he could make it right. The pastor told him to get some feather pillows and rip them open, and place one feather on every porch in their community. It seemed strange, but he did what he was told. He went back to the preacher and said he was done. He said, no, you’re not. Go back and pick them all up now. “But I can’t. The wind has taken them who knows where!” The pastor said, “So it is with the words you have spoken about me.” When we slander someone’s reputation we do irreparable damage. And we’ll answer to God for it!

Tale bearing: This person loves to tell things. They share ‘news’. But they don’t care if their facts are correct or not. This is gossip, rumors. Don’t spread it. Try to stop others from doing it. Don’t repeat gossip. "Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people." Next time you’re enjoying listening to someone gossip, remember this fact: Anyone who will gossip TO you, will gossip ABOUT you! Don’t allow your ears to become someone’s personal trash cans. They usually come and say things like “people are saying…” who are people I ask? Put a face to it. It’s just a cowardly way of saying what the person wants to say, putting it off on someone else. Why is it that it’s always the same handful of people who always hear these things? It’s because they send off a signal that says, “I’m willing to listen to any garbage you want to drop off.”

Lying by insinuation: Nothing was really said but suggested, for example saying something like; “Today was a good Sunday, Mike was sober today!” You have suggested something to whoever you’re talking to.

Flattery: This is insincere praise, saying something to someone’s face that you would never say behind their back. Salesmen are often bad about this. “The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.”
Half truths: Not telling the whole story. A parent asks their teen where they are going. “To Andy’s house.” That’s true, but they leave out where they’re going from there. This is why in court you swear to not just tell the truth, but ‘the whole truth.’ Half the truth equals a whole lie.

Exaggeration: Blowing the truth out of proportion. One pastor was brought before the deacons for exaggerating so much. They confronted him. He said they were right. “I’ve cried a barrel of tears over it. We might not have known it. But these are all lies and when told can damage someone’s life for years. If you’re not sure of a tale, then don’t tell it. If you have to tell one, tell it as it happened or as much as you know. Don’t try to add or subtract from the story. Don’t forget “Like a club and a sword and a sharp arrow Is a man who bears false witness against his neighbor.”

Remember our 21 Days of Strictly Truth-telling. Are You Game?   How has it been so far?

Photo credit: The 8 Rule of Truth Bullies. By Kid Mercury

CORPORATE DISTORTION

Wisdom Nugget: "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech."

The shop keeper who uses false weights and measures or a poor quality of material or workmanship to deceive the public is as guilty of sin as the thief who robbed a bank. He's trying to get something more than a legitimate return for his product. He hopes to get an extra something for nothing. And this is a common thing today. People stretch the truth or lie about their products today. The greatest commercial sin today I think, is the practice of false advertising (corporate lying). The consumer is led to believe that the product will make their skin smoother, make him lose weight, make her hair longer or dye her hair permanently. In many cases these statements used in advertising is a blatant lie. The manufacturers know the product will do little or none of the things they said it will do but they go ahead to rob people of their money, rest of mind, happiness and sometimes even their health. Most companies have attained whatever they have today by deception, these are the days of corporate lying. This is the age of supposedly respectable and responsible people - lawyers, business owners, union leaders, government officials, university professors, etc, lying to us without batting an eye.

Think of the tremendous benefit that would come to the public if each company would honestly tell the truth about their product and honestly seek to serve the consumer's real needs. The effect of this would be literally astounding.

A store manager hears his clerk tell a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week." Then the manager drew the clerk aside. "Never," he snarled, "Never, never say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and its coming. Now, what was it she wanted?""Rain," replied the clerk. Hilarious isn't it? That is what most business men are today. They make a fool of themselves trying to make money. But they seem to forget that with time and experience the consumers will discover what a lie their services and products are and stop doing business with them. It's a ripple effect. One consumer will pass the message to others about what the product really is and with time, no one will be knocking at your door anymore.

From our text, if you want your business to see good days ahead, then keep your tongue from evil and lips off deceitful speech. You cannot lie to your customers and expect God to bless your business. He's not that kind of God. Put your honest best into your business, advertise your best and when your customers do business with you and see that you were honest with them, they'll come back again, and they'll be bringing someone else along. If your products have side effects, be honest about the side effect, if it has an expiration date; make it available for your consumers. It is better they acquire it with that knowledge than a false one. They'll never come back to you when they find out you lied. In fact, they'll spread your falsehood and that'll create a path that'll lead to the end of your business. Dorothy Allison said in Bastards out of Carolina - "Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies."

Young people today are learning to steal and lie in an immensely organised fashion. Not only are they stealing articles by the thousands from stores, shops, schools, and even churches, but they regularly organise an intricate system of cheating on tests and exams. It is a very big problem in our society today: cheating. Because it's generally looked on without too much alarm, this practice is really growing at an unprecedented rate. What the young people may not have been told is that cheating is taking a score or grade illegally. It's stealing or lying about one's base of knowledge being covered in a test or an exam. But students do it all the time. They find a way around tests, cheat, and then lie about what they really know. We really should start a move of change in our society today and call a lie what it is, a lie.

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Black Or White?

Wisdom Nugget: "Those that think it permissible to tell white lies soon grow colorblind."
                                                                                                      - Austin O'Malley

It's amazing the length society goes today in order to detect liars. Lie-detecting machines are now used to detect whether or not a suspect is lying. The encyclopedia Britannica also refers to these "Lie detectors also known as polygraphs... is an instrument for recording physiological phenomena such as blood pressure, pulse rate, and respiration of a human subject as he answers questions put to him by an operator. These data are then used as the basis for making a judgment as to whether or not the person is lying."

The lie detector has been used since 1924 for investigations but is still controversial and not admissible in court. Even with this equipment, we still cannot really determine if someone is really telling the truth or not.  Plainly put, it is difficult to find an  acceptable way of always knowing if someone is telling the truth or a lie. This confuses and complicates daily living. We use every kind of moral and physical device to get the truth out of people and half of the time we do not succeed. Think for a moment how easy and simple it'll be to catch and prosecute criminals, if everyone was truthful. Would there even be need for a court of law? All the police have to do is ask "did you burglarize the office, Yes or No?" If the suspect says yes, the sentence is passed. If no, the real criminal is searched for. Wouldn't that be awesome to not have to go through the stress and expenses of a trial? Governments can be set straight if everyone just told the truth. "Are you in office for the people or for yourself, Yes or No?"

The story is told of four high school boys who couldn't resist the temptation to skip morning classes. Each had been smitten with a bad case of spring fever (A feeling of restlessness, excitement, or laziness brought on by the coming of spring). After lunch, they showed up at school and reported to the teacher that their car had had a flat tire. Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a quiz this morning, so take your seats and get out a pencil and paper." Still smiling, she waited as they settled down and got ready for her questions. Then she said, "First question - which tire was flat?" Try to imagine what the boys will write. Do you think one of them would be bold enough to tell the truth? Your best guess is "No" right? Well, so is mine. Do you know why, because we're so used to people lying to us first thing and you know what happens when you tell a lie, you cover it up with another lie.

Austin O'Malley said "A lie has no legs. It requires other lies to support it"
Tell one lie and you are forced to tell others to back it up. Stretching the truth won't make it last any longer.

We really don't realize how prevalent lying has become in our society. We try to cover up by calling it a white lie. It's easy to tell a white lie because, after all, it's for the best of ourselves or for someone we're trying to protect, right? Just to stretch the truth a little bit. To exaggerate, maybe, a bit. You see, lying in our society is very widespread and goes deep into everything everybody does. It's not just about telling about an outright lie, it's also saying one word that may have two meanings so as to mislead somebody. It's also stretching the truth beyond what is.

Always remember that "a righteous man hates lying..." Righteousness is simply living a good moral life. This goes to say that whoever lies is unrighteous; the person lives an immoral life. Examine your life today, do you live morally or immorally?

Photo credit: foundationsofmorality.com

21 Days of Strictly Truth-telling. Are You Game?

Wisdom Nugget: "A man who bears false witness against his neighbor is like a war club, or a sword, or a sharp arrow." 

Imagine a world without lies. Imagine everyone told the truth and no one had the ability to tell a lie. Wouldn't half of the world's problems be gone; if not all?

Imagine a salesperson selling products to you without telling a bit of a lie. Imagine politicians telling us plainly the way things are and sparing us a weave of lies. Imagine companies advertising the real quality of their products and services? Imagine the news giving us all the details without filtering or adjusting it to suit 'political interests', wouldn't the world be a better place? Do you still think there'll be corruption? But alas, almost all of us are guilty of lying at some point in our lives, irrespective of the fact that we claim to have lied for a 'good cause'.The truth is, a lie is a lie, irrespective of your reason for telling  it. Herbert said, "Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby."
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Today, lies are a part of our daily lives.

Mr. Ben executes a contract for "Jay & Jay Enterprises", and submits his quota to the company and he's told "the cheque will be in the mail tomorrow", one month later, Mr. Ben hasn't gotten any mail. Brenda runs into an old friend at the mall but is in a hurry. She is 30 minutes late in picking up her children from school so she takes her old friend's business card and says "I'll call you tomorrow". Brenda walks out of the mall and drops the business card in the nearest bin. Stephanie goes to apply for a job in a company and the secretary to the managing director says "we're not recruiting right now but give me your resume; I'll pass it to my boss and who knows he might have a position for you?" Stephanie leaves her resume with the secretary. Three months later the resume is still on the secretary's desk gathering dust. Ada gets dumped by Femi, two weeks later; she gets a wedding card from him. When she confronts him, he says "No I wasn't dating her when I was with you". Really? So, he's marrying her two weeks after he met her? You walk into a boutique to buy a dress and on the label it's written "one size fits all". Ten minutes later you're in the changing room with the attendant struggling to pull the dress down your torso. So who is "all" referring to? Chloe is lying on the dentist's table, the dentist looks into her eyes and says :"open wide it won't hurt a bit" thirty minutes later Chloe works out from the dentist's with red eyes and a tight throat from screaming in pain. Brad was supposed to meet John by 2pm; by 1:55 he's still at ha ome trying to get dressed. John calls and Brad says "I'm in a cab, almost at the venue of the meeting". Since when is a house movable? A sales representative approaches you and says "please sir, can I have one minute of your time". You generously give a listening ear and ten minutes later the guy is still talking. Most of these lies are a few of the many we tell everyday. Some of these lies are told inadvertently because it has become a habit. Some even call it a necessity. Since when is a lie necessity? On no account should you twist the truth.

"You shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another." Make up your mind today to stop dealing falsely or lying to one another. P

ractice 21 days of telling the truth and nothing but the truth and you'll see it becoming a part of you.

Kindly comment on your experiences with practising 21 days of strictly telling the truth. What have you learned from it? Do you feel constrained or liberated?

Photo credit: The 8 Rule of Truth Bullies. By Kid Mercury