When To End A Friendship

Wisdom Nugget: "Do not be deceived; bad company ruins good morals."

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A "FRIEND" is defined as; one attached to another by esteem; or "one that is not hostile" It can also be defined as "one that promotes."

Hear Albert Schweitzer, "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

From the little definition and quote about who a friend is above we can quickly deduce that "FRIENDSHIP" is supposed to be a venture of profits only...but from our discussions so far on this subject matter we realize that this isn't always the case and as a result we need to know when to call it quits in a relationship, because friendships can become very toxic and detrimental to our overall existence. The story below illustrates this kind of friendship.

"When I first met her, she had just gone through an ugly break up and had moved out of her boyfriend's home and into an apartment of her own. She had a part time job, a twelve-year-old daughter, and was in financial hell.

She couldn't make ends meet and since she was home schooling her child, was unable to work full time. Even though I wasn't exactly rolling in the dough, I always put a little aside to help her out...I handed her a few dollars for gas or food. I would spend countless hours, listening to her problems, her chaos, her drama. I'd give her unsolicited, but good advice just the same. I invited her over for dinners and to lunches. I took her daughter clothes shopping sometimes.

I felt like she was drowning and I was her only lifesaver. I felt like I had to fix her or, at the very least, be a supportive force in her life. I wanted to see her get back on her feet.

During our six year friendship, she bounced from relationship to relationship, some real and some developed and short-lived on the internet. Eventually, she found a complete loser to fall deeply in love with and each time he cheated on or ignored her, I was there to pick up the pieces.
And then she'd go back to him. I somehow felt responsible for her. Like life had dealt her a bad hand and it was my job to shuffle the deck and deal her a better one. It became stressful to spend time with her. It was emotionally draining and I began to dread her phone calls.

My positive energy was being sucked out by her negativity. No matter how hard I tried to help her, she always had excuses and a big cloud of gloom and doom over her head. I started to feel that gloom and doom. It's as though it was contagious. She was a sinking ship and she was literally dragging me down with her.

I knew I had to cut the strings and over time I began to wean her off of me. Less phone calls, less availability, and, as luck would have it, I moved across the state a few months (later), which made it impossible for us to get together and (gradually) I noticed that the less we spoke, the better I felt. Life suddenly looked brighter and I had a new found sense of freedom. I felt the toxins of a poisonous friendship leaving my body.

When it gets to this point in your relationships, the only wise thing to do is back out, while you still have your sanity in place, for we have heard the wise saying: "wisdom is profitable to direct.".

Good Friendships Are Priceless; More Precious Than Gold

Wisdom Nugget: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

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A friend is someone you can call when you mess up and trust that they won't judge you but will give their advice. A friend is someone who remembers that you don't like Onions in your salad. A friend is someone who goes to a boring place with you but makes it all fun. A friend is priceless! Friendship is wonderful but I must add - it is not easy. It requires a whole lot of work.  It requires putting someone first sometimes, it's all about inconvenience most times, it's a risky business. But it is definitely worth it!

A friend is not someone you can buy. Anyone who's in your life because of what they gain from you is not a friend but a leech. A friend enjoys with you when there's money and suffers with you when there's no money. Friends are not people we should joke with; in these times that economy is hitting everyone hard, natural disasters lurking everywhere, wars on the verge of breaking, people are really becoming more and more selfish so if you have a friend who still thinks about you and is still there for you then you should count yourself lucky. Don't play with their feelings; you do not know how many people out there who wished they had that friend you have.

Berlin -- Jesse Owens was sure he would win the long jump at the 1936 Olympic games. The previous year (1935) he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches - a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German practicing jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was aware of the German's desire to prove superiority especially over blacks. The German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!" he said to Owens. For the next few moments; the black and the German chatted. Then Luz Long made a suggestion, he said to Owens "since the qualifying distance is only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the take-off board and jump from there, just to play it safe?" Owens did as Long suggested and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long as he was killed in World War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long."

Can you truly say that about any of your friendships and mean it? Is there any friendship you value more than all your wealth put together? Most people will readily do away with friends in the stead of money. Friendship is priceless you can't buy it. Old Fredrick learnt the hard way. He made no friends through his life, all he was concerned about was building his wealth. Alone on his dying bed, he asked the nurse to contract people to cry at his funeral and the nurse replied "all the tears they shed wouldn't change the fact that you died alone with a nurse who sat by you only out of compulsion." You will not realize how priceless a friend is until you're on your death bed alone like old Fredrick. It was too late for him though but it isn't for you. You can still make friends now. Linda Grayson said "there is nothing better than a friend."

As friends, we're gifts to our friends, given to them for a purpose-to make their lives better. Are you fulfilling that purpose in your relationship with your friends? Will your friends miss your absence: are they feeling your help in times of their needs, or are they grieving  at your presence?

Friendships Require Patience and Perseverance

..."P" is for Patience.
Wisdom Nugget: s iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

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Friends are not two perfect people coming together but two imperfect people with flaws, dysfunctions, different idiosyncrasies, shortcomings and excesses coming together because they sense they have something in common to fulfil a common destiny.

William Penn puts it succinctly, "A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." Albert Schweitzer added "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
Here are two keys to friendship:
First, only two pieces of iron can become friends: one piece of plastic and one piece of iron cannot, Why? Because they cannot feel this magnetic pull towards each other. So before you settle for a friend, ask yourself, can I feel that magnetic pull?

Secondly, Friendship is for sharpening. While it is true that you do not become friends with people for the sole purpose of fixing them, yet we will all attest to the fact that some of the positive changes in our character today was due to the influence of one good friend. They do not come with a hammer and filing machine to say "Boy, I need to sharpen or fix you !". But their love, conduct and lifestyle just begins to sharpen you. Sometimes they may come strong on you because "Open rebuke is better than secret love", but they primarily mould & change you by their love and tact. By the time they are done with you "Every valley would have been filled. Every mountain and hill should be made flat. The crooked roads should be made straight, and the rough ground made smooth." But "sharpening" needs plenty of "Patience" and "Creativity". If you truly care for your friend, you will not be quick to cut them off after you noticed the flaws in them. Rather you feel a sense of duty to help them, realizing that in so many areas, you too need help. Paul puts it aptly when he said, "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into wrong-doing, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived."
When pointing out a mistake by another person, always consider the person's feelings. Milton Berle was dining with his wife, Ruth, in a Hollywood restaurant.  When a waiter put too much pepper on her salad. Mrs. Berle tasted it and said, "Hmm. Needs more salad."

 If you cut off all the friends God brings your way because they have flaws, just remember to see who is judging. Just as others have been patient with you, you also be patient in sharpening others and you will have the joy of seeing a life changed and discover that it was because of your patience and tact.

When Friendship Becomes An Inconvenience

Wisdom Nugget: "There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

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If you have friends, you'd have realized over the years that maintaining some friendships can be inconveniencing. Not for everyone, but for that particular person. Friendship is thinking about somebody else alongside you, sometimes even before yourself. It's all about sacrifice! Going out of your way to put that person's desire into consideration; you'd rather live alone but have to accommodate a stranded friend. When you'd rather spend your time alone but have to visit a friend who's going through stuff. When you'd rather not go on a trip because your friend your friend needs your presence at their party. You don't want to talk on the phone but have to take that call because it's your friend. The "gospel truth" like some would say is that friendship is inconveniencing but it's a pleasant inconvenience - one that gives you a sense of fulfilment afterwards. What is friendship if you are not willing to make sacrifices for others?

Little John was sent to the local store to get some milk for breakfast the one morning. On his way back it started raining "cats and dogs". Because his home was close he decided to make a dash for it, he was almost at his door when from the corner of his eye, he saw a figure; a little boy on the other side of the road. He looked closely and discovered it was his friend Tommy and he was pulling at his leg. He thought of running into his house after all Tommy hadn't seen him but quickly decided against it and ran over to his friend. It turned out that Tommy's feet was stuck in a hole on the side walk. He hadn't seen it because of the flowing water from the downpour. They tugged at his friend's leg until it was freed. Unfortunately, his ankle was sprained and so he had difficulty walking. Little John decided to help him all the way home and Tommy leaned on him. When little john got back home he explained to his mother what had happened. "Why didn't you leave him after you helped him free his leg? He would have hopped all the way home!" John looked at his mother in disbelief "what kind of friend would that make me mum?"

The whole ordeal with Tommy, was it an inconvenience for little Johnny? Yes it was. Did he regret it? Of course not! It was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Even though he was already home, he decided to stay longer in the rain for his friend. If little John had entered his house when he saw his friend, Tommy will never know that Little John had seen him and their "friendship" would have continued as usual. But in truth, would Little John be a good friend? No he wouldn't. Friendship is not just those inconveniences you make for your friends when they're aware they're also those ones you make behind their backs; one they might never learn about. When everyone is against your friend and trash-talking them; do you defend them? Look the other way? Or join in the trashing? When your friend is going through stuff can they count on you to be there for them? When the whole world has gone out can they trust you to come in? please don't be a friend only when it's convenient. Never enter a friendship with the notion that you won't be hurt. because we're all different people with different characters that are bound to clash.

 Hear Bob Nesta Marley, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

Making friends is really a leap of faith!

"H" Is For Honesty: Friendships Thrive On Honesty

Wisdom nugget: "An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy."

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Honesty is important in friendships; it is the key foundation in trust, and trust should be present in friendship. Sadly, it has become increasingly difficult to trust people because they lack honesty. People have been lied to and swindled so much that everyone is being regarded with suspicion (we take people's words with a pinch of salt).


Hansel lived with her two elder sisters; Brenda and Chloe. They never married so they had lived together for a very long time. One evening Hansel was in the kitchen preparing dinner. She called out to her sisters who were in the living room. "The phone is ringing. Can someone pick it up". Her sisters answered simultaneously "okay". But the phone kept ringing. Hansel wiped her hands on her apron and went to pick up the phone. She looked in on her sisters and found Brenda knitting and Chloe reading a book. She returned to the kitchen and after a while called out again. "There's someone at the front door." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously. After a while the knock continued and Hansel went to answer the door; it was the milk man. Hansel checked in on her sisters again and found that they hadn't moved from their positions. She stood at the door and yelled "OMG the kitchen is on fire." "Okay" her sisters answered simultaneously each not moving. Hansel matched into the living room, hands akimbo "why do you two never respond to anything I say." "Okay" the two sisters respond simultaneously not looking up. "I asked a question" Hansel cried in frustration. They both looked at her. "Why do you not respond to anything I say?" Hansel repeated and Brenda replied "oh come on honey. I stopped listening to you in 1987."  "when you told us you saw an alien in our front lawn and I almost fell to my death running" Chloe squints "or was it in 1985 when you woke me and told me Brenda was lying dead in her room" "no, no it was in 1982 when she woke me up and told me the house was on fire and I fell down the stairs trying to get away." "We're done listening to you honey, I'm in a wheel chair and Brenda limps because we believed you one too many times"


Have you become like Hansel that everyone no longer listens to? Have you become the kind of person that when they're talking everybody just nods even though they're not listening? People are now so used to your dishonesty that your words no longer hold meaning? But I wonder, if you are not truthful to your friend who then will you be truthful to? It is important that you tell your friends the truth no matter how painfull it is. If they have an ugly character it is your obligation as a friend to be honest with them and spell out the truth. But please don't do it by putting them down. Choose your time, place and words well and talk to them. When you're down be honest and tell your friends so that they can help you by being there for you. When they displease you, let them know. How else will they repent from it?


Someone once said "A friendship with no honesty is like food without salt. tasteless!" an unknown quote put it this way "A friendship that lacks honesty is not friendship, it's just a façade."

"N" Is for Nurturing: Friendships Need Nurturing

Wisdom nugget: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

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The Merriam Webster Dictionary gives a clear and concise description of what "nurturing implies." Simply put, "It's to supply with nourishment; educate and further the development of."

I've heard a couple of people use the cliché ''in the good old days" Now is the good old days, probably referring to the past or when the friendship was interesting; my sincere question is how about now? Is there a missing link? Is the sparkle that used to be there still intact? All these questions bring to mind the fact that  friendship is a responsibility. Nurturing friendships is a sure way to improving relationships, otherwise the thrills begin to wane and the friendship becomes eroded by the things that had put a strain on it over time.  Undoubtedly, it's not easy to nurture anything; patience is one of the things you need if you will see the fruits you so much desire in  friendship. It may take some real time because individuals are wired differently. Sure, you wouldn't want to give up on your child who really gets choosy about foods and then say ''well I think I've exhausted my food options, now it's time to give up on and focus on something else that's worth my time." You may feel that's the best, but then there are dire consequences.

The truth is that your child stops growing and gets malnourished just because you gave up on nurturing him. It's the same way a husband and wife need to nurture their love for one another because they are friends. Understand the importance of developing friendships and nurturing the friendship. If there is no form of nurturing, the friendship begins to die slowly.

Since her high school years, Dorothy had a passion to become an internationally acclaimed public speaker. Sometimes she read out loud to herself and sometimes to the hearing of "so called" friends. But she had a seemingly great challenge with her pronunciation of words. Sometimes during her reading sessions at school, she would hear outbursts of laughter and then she returns to her seat in shame. It began to take a toll on her health, she felt inadequate and her passion for public speaking began to wane. Two months later, her family had to relocate and that was quite challenging for her. Her greatest concern was how she would cope in her new school. Will she meet with angels as friends this time or with those worse than the former friends? Many unanswered questions.

Interestingly, it was a different ball game all together. Her first day at school was thrilling, it was a quite receptive one for her and she hoped to meet real friends afterwards. One of the days she stood by the window in her room as she gazed into the sky, lost in utter admiration of the stars. Her phone rang and it was her mate at school who got her phone number from the class directory, and asked how she could help her edit the speech she was to deliver in 2 weeks. Dorothy stood amazed for a while and all she could mutter was "ok.ay". Edit what? She thought aloud. Is that some sort of joke? She felt inspired as she got ready for the meeting, she probably couldn't decipher why. The summary was that she helped the girl edit her speech and the girl being an excellent public speaker began to help her with her pronunciation exercises and gradually she began to improve, her confidence grew in stepwise successions. Her new friend encouraged her, and was patient with her as she got better. Each of them played a life changing role; and they both improved just because of the conscious decision to help each other and realizing that everyone had special ability. It was a nurturing experience for both. Dorothy became one of the best valedictorian of her time because she was receptive to nurturing.

Nurturing does a lot for a friendship, but I shall list five of these things.

Nurturing improves, illuminates, educates, renews and transforms.

As Marvin J Ashton says: "Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart. One who looks out for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them"

On Building Enduring Friendships

Wisdom Nugget: Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!"

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These days a lot of young people walk away from friendships and when you ask them why they tell you "some people are just meant to pass through your life". Much as I may agree with this in part. I'm also of the opinion that friends shouldn't get so far apart that they cannot say a word of greeting when they bump into each other. Friendship is enduring, it's lasting, it's not something that you should totally cut off except the person has become a bad influence to you or others around you, otherwise, when you shut the door to a friendship please always keep a window open for you don't know when you might need to use that window. That "some people are just meant to pass through" message does not mean that you should go out there and make enemies. It simply means you should cut down on your level of intimacy; it is not a license to start off world war III! Never forget this "The friendship that can cease has never been real." - Saint Jerome

Now that I've gotten that first point out of the way, let's talk about people you're still friends with. Why are you eager to do away with a friend over an offence? I get that some friends can be so annoying. Some can drive you to the wall till you want to scream. But before you decide to end it ask yourself if they've always been like that or was it a onetime offence? Have you never wronged them? Did they not forgive you? Are they perfect? Can they not go wrong? If you quit a friendship today, who's to say another will never offend you tomorrow ? Be patient with your friend. Endure a while before you make that final decision. Be sure you have run out of options. Don't be a quitter. People will begin to wonder at your credibility if you have a different set of friends every new month. Learn to endure your friends' shortcomings for no man, not even you, is really perfect.

Mike went hiking with a large group of friends. He was ahead of everyone and was enjoying himself until unfortunately his shoes began to hurt. He got overly annoyed with this development; he didn't want to lose his position but the pain caused by his shoe was drawing him backwards so he decided to lose the shoes. His backpack was packed full and he carried a water flask so there was no carrying the shoe on his hands. He finally made up his mind to leave the shoes by a rock and continued on bare feet.

After a while, the sun got really hot and so did the rocks beneath Mike's feet. It got to a point it became so unbearable that he made the tough decision of going back for the shoes, he ran all the way back bumping into his troop as he ran. He got to the rock but didn't find his shoes. He caught up with his troop and asked for who had seen his shoes but nobody had seen it. He felt miserable and had the worst hiking ever as his feet burnt so much that he spent the next few weeks lying in the hospital.
So your friend gives you pain like Mike's shoes, is that a good reason to leave him/her by the rock? The day you need them you might return to find that they're no longer available. Learn to put up with friends even when they give you a crazy pain on your feet. Chuck Swindoll said "If you turn sour, your circle of friends will get smaller and smaller until it is a circle of one - you!" don't be sour, laugh with your friends, cry with them, suffer with them. Endure. show yourself friendly, that'll make you a friend that sticks closer than a brother.